A ZINE Dedicated to My Mother

"Mom, I made a book!"

Early February. I decided to make a small booklet called a ZINE for my mother to read. I started in the middle of the month, and just the other day, the ZINE was finally finished. I was finally ready to deliver it to her. The content of the ZINE consisted of a selection of articles I felt confident about from my note blog. My heart was racing, hoping that my book-loving mother would be pleased.

I sat in front of my mother, feeling as if I were about to give a presentation. Or perhaps it was more like the expression I used to have when handing in my report card. I looked away from her slightly, trying not to let her see how nervous I was. I caught a glimpse of her in the corner of my eye. It felt strangely embarrassing. I felt as if I had returned to my elementary school days.

My mother took the ZINE I handed her. She glanced at the cover, then flipped it open. She then leafed through the pages to check the contents.

"Oh, this is the kind of thing you have to read properly, isn't it?"

Her tone sounded a bit blunt. When I looked at her face, she was squinting at the small print. Adding a brief "Thank you," she quietly placed the thin ZINE she was holding onto a shelf without a sound.

── Maybe she won't read it after all.

That thought crossed my mind for a split second.
Maybe the print was too small. She has presbyopia, after all. Still, she did accept it saying she would "read" it, so I decided not to expect any feedback and just wait patiently for her to read it.

Having not received any feedback on the spot, I hunched my shoulders slightly and left my parents' house.

📕📘📙‪

On my way home, I remembered something from a few years ago.

It was when I visited my parents' house without notice.
When I opened the front door, there were shoes I didn't recognize neatly lined up. Are there guests? I hesitated for a moment to go inside. From the back of the room, my mother's crisp voice called out, "Come on in!" As if drawn by her voice, I stepped inside.

"Hello there! Oh, is this your daughter? Is she the older sister? Or the younger one?"
"Hello! Long time no see! I'm the eldest daughter!"

The person in the living room was my mother's best friend.

"She's the older one. What brings you here today?"
After smiling at her friend, my mother turned her gaze toward me. Her expression was vibrant. It was a little different from the motherly face she always shows us. She looked somehow younger. While I was a bit bewildered by the strangely different atmosphere, I opened my mouth to speak.

"I brought you a souvenir."
"Thank you! Would you like to stay for some tea?"
"I don't want to be a bother, so I'll head home after I drop off my bags."

I waved my hand in front of my face and smiled. Then, I cast my eyes down at the table. There, things I recognized were laid out. Wait, is that...? I squinted to get a better look.

"Oh, this? It was so well-made, so I was just showing it to them."

It was a handmade booklet I had made a long time ago, featuring my photos and poems.

My face suddenly felt hot.
"Oh, I see," I replied calmly, but the sound of my heartbeat throbbed in my ears. I never expected her to show it to anyone! My expression remained the same as always, but my heart couldn't hide its surprise and began to race.

Back when I was obsessed with taking photos and writing poems, I had used a bookbinding service website to create a booklet as a memento. When I finished it, I was so happy with how it turned out that I printed two copies—one for myself and one for my parents' house—and gave one to my mother. At the time, I thought she didn't seem interested at all...!

I had thought that this time was the first time I had ever made a ZINE with the intention of having my mother read it, but memories from the past came flooding back, reminding me that that had actually been my first ZINE.

Even back then, she didn't seem that interested when she received it, but since she was showing it off to others, perhaps she was actually happy about it.
However, it must have been difficult for her friend to know what to say when suddenly shown a self-published booklet made by a friend's child. Feeling a bit sorry for my mother's friend, I left my parents' house.

— And the next day —

My phone buzzed.
A message from my mother.

My mother had read the ZINE I gave her yesterday and sent me her thoughts. My heart felt warm.

I'm so happy! I can't believe she read it so quickly!

If she enjoyed it, then I'm happy too.
I felt like I had just received a "flower mark" stamp.

Perhaps my mother might show my ZINE to someone else again. Honestly, that's embarrassing. But I think I'll make another ZINE and give it to my mother.

↓ You can check the background of why I decided to make a ZINE and the articles I referred to when making it here.

This time, referring to the articles mentioned above,

I think I could have been a bit more particular about the paper quality and such, but the significance lies in having created it! So, this concludes my first ZINE creation. I have a few ideas for ZINEs I'd like to make, so I think I'll make more!

I am participating in the project 'Your "First XX" "Last XX" note' by Chichukaiseikiko-san.

This time, I thought I had made a ZINE for the first time and presented it to my mother, but when I think about it, it wasn't my first time! However, since this one has long text, I don't think I'll show it to anyone, but I felt that if I did show it to someone, it might be a bit embarrassing. What is embarrassing about it? Even though I'm getting used to it, if someone I know in real life saw it, would it be the account name that's embarrassing? Probably. People would be like, 'Who is Leon Saruogi?' right? Doesn't it sound a bit chuunibyou?