I only want to be the one in your frame.

A photo shown to me during a date.

A small, grainy image displayed on a flip phone. In the center was a woman I didn't know. I hate to say it, but she wasn't nearly as cute as me. Why is this girl in the photos on his phone? I blatantly pressed my lips into a thin line.

“What’s that photo?” I asked him.

“I took this at work, but this girl is hilarious. Isn't she super ugly? This face.”

He showed me the photo and happily told me about something that had made him burst out laughing at work. I don't even remember what the story was about anymore. I'm not interested in stories about other girls. But his face, as he talked so happily, was sparkling and cute. That just made me even more annoyed. Besides, he doesn't seem to realize that there are stories that aren't funny if you weren't there. To me, that story wasn't funny at all. Honestly, I couldn't laugh.

“I get that it’s funny, but couldn't you have avoided taking a picture of her making a weird face? I feel bad for her. She’s a girl, after all. Making fun of her for being ugly and taking a picture of it...”
I pouted even more.

“Why are you mad? She didn't mind, and she thought it was funny too. I even showed her the photo.”

She?
What’s with that level of intimacy? It really pisses me off. This isn't the kind of thing you talk about on a date. I don't want to hear about other girls. Besides, I dressed up today and my makeup is perfect. Shouldn't the first thing you say be “You look cute”? It’s unbelievable that you wouldn't mention that.

“Hmm.”
For now, I replied, sounding bored.

My pride won't let me get jealous and angry over a girl who isn't even cute. So, I won't get explicitly angry, but I'm not having fun. I'm sorry, but I don't have the broad-mindedness to look at a girl I don't know and laugh, saying, “That’s funny.” Sorry for being such a narrow-minded girlfriend.

Perhaps realizing he had spoiled my mood, he said, “Yeah, yeah,” and put his phone in his pocket.

📱

He was sitting on the sofa and took his smartphone out of his pocket. The flip phone had changed into a large smartphone over the course of 20 years. Our relationship as lovers had also changed. Now, he is my husband.

Looking at my husband from behind the sofa, I caught a glimpse of the lock screen in his hand.

On a screen much larger than the one from those days, there was today's date and the current time. And a photo of my husband's favorite idol smiling. Even though the resolution was high, her skin was so clear you couldn't see a single pore. I glanced at it sideways and confirmed the face of my husband's favorite idol. I muttered “Hmm” to myself. Not my type. A cute girl. I prefer beautiful-looking women, so I guess my husband and I don't share the same taste in women.

Seeing the face of the girl on my husband's phone screen reminded me of how I used to be jealous of girls I didn't know. I don't know the passcode to my husband's smartphone. Perhaps there are many more photos of girls in his phone besides the one on his lock screen.

I could forgive the lock screen because it was a screenshot of his favorite idol. But if this were a photo he had taken himself by pointing his camera at someone, I might not be able to forgive it. If there were photos of girls I don't know in my husband's camera roll, I would definitely go and fold his phone. Just like a flip phone. Thinking about that, I quietly convinced myself that it's better not to know things I don't want to know. I won't ask “Who is that girl?” and I won't lay a finger on my husband's phone.

But I want you to keep me as the only woman in your frame forever. I stared intently at the crown of my husband's head.

I am participating in Jun Ikematsu's #JealousyFestival.
Apparently, if you add the #FeedbackRequested hashtag, you can even get feedback!
I look forward to it!

After reading Nami Saito's essay in Fujin Koron, I developed a strange urge to write, thinking that jealousy is actually cute, so I dug up and wrote about an episode of jealousy from my own life.

It's amazing how she can write about jealousy so cutely!
Even though I tried writing about it, my jealousy wasn't cute at all. It must be a difference in character. In the end, that feeling of jealousy back then was because the girl who ended up in my husband's frame wasn't wearing makeup, wasn't putting effort into her style, and I was just thinking, 'Why is that girl getting her picture taken!' It's a woman's heart, or perhaps something else entirely.

Honestly, I thought I wasn't the type to get jealous much, but when I dug deeper, I realized I might actually be. I feel like this was a good opportunity to face my jealousy once again. But honestly, jealousy is a hassle. Since it's a waste of time to worry about it, I think I tend to shift my focus to something else so that I don't dwell on it even if I do feel jealous.

I thought that people who face their jealousy, properly process it, and move forward are cool, admirable, and perhaps even a little cute.