To the me who was terrified of making friends when moving to Tokyo

At the time, my biggest worry about moving to Tokyo alone from the countryside for university was whether or not I would be able to make friends.

I was never good at making friends to begin with.

Every time we had a class shuffle, I was terrified that groups would form without me knowing, so I was desperate to get into any group I could.
Even when I did get into one, I would worry on my own that I didn't actually fit in, and I was the kind of child who would go home and cry every day.

If I felt that way even with class shuffles in a school I was familiar with, it was bound to be even scarier in a place I didn't know like Tokyo.

Strangely, I felt I could manage the first time living alone and the confusing university credit system, but I was only afraid of being miserable and alone without any friends.

***

Leaving my fears behind, the days from moving to Tokyo until enrollment flew by.
Since it was my first time even riding a plane alone, everything was so fresh that perhaps I didn't have time to think too deeply.

The fear I had hoped would just disappear returned as if on cue the day before enrollment. I learned that a so-called "LINE group for incoming students" already existed.

--How is it possible to create a LINE group before enrollment?? Where do you even meet?? It's scary.

I honestly don't remember how I, who didn't have a single friend in the area, found out about that LINE group, and it might have been a dream. Since my new home was a student apartment complex, maybe I heard a rumor, or perhaps I was just being paranoid out of sheer terror.

Regardless, my anxiety about being left out grew, and I thought with panic, "I'm already behind, if I don't make friends on the first day of school, it's over!!"

***

And so, on the day of enrollment, I was in an unnaturally high-tension state and spoke to the person sitting next to me immediately. With an outgoing smile that made me wonder if that was really me.

I feel like it probably went well at the time. But, as a person, I was still a failure.

The worst part was that when I met one of them again a few days later, I didn't remember them.

I was bad at remembering people's faces and names. Thinking back now, I think I wasn't really looking at people because my head was full of anxiety. That's why, even though I was the one who started the conversation, I didn't remember the other person well.

Besides, the energy I had when I first spoke to them was far from my usual self, so I didn't know how to act when I was suddenly spoken to when I wasn't in that state.

Even now, I think I was truly rude to them.
And so, in the end, I just spun my wheels at that time, and as I had feared, I couldn't make friends there... just as I had blamed myself, it was bound to turn out that way.

***

Three years later, I happened to run into the person who had been sitting next to me on the day of enrollment. This time, strangely, I remembered their face and name. I don't remember why we met again on the large campus. But we went to a cafe together, the conversation flowed, and we exchanged LINE contacts again.

I was happy. Honestly, because I didn't think they would remember me. Having grown up a little by then, I didn't spin my wheels as much as I used to, and even if our relationship didn't continue after that, I was very satisfied and grateful just to have had a fun conversation together.

However, that became the catalyst, and in the end, she and I have stayed in touch even now, seven years after becoming working adults.
Even though we live in different regions and are physically far apart, we share the little things that happen to us and have fun talking. She is an irreplaceable friend who has stayed with me even into adulthood.

I thought I had spun my wheels so much, but it was a connection that wouldn't have happened without that.

***

Even now, some time after becoming an adult, I often find myself trying to present a version of myself that is larger than life because I am afraid of being disliked by others. I also often end up holding a self-reflection meeting alone after a gathering.

However, if the current me could meet my past self, I think I would be able to say this with a little more peace of mind.

"I know you can't see the future right now, but that spinning of your wheels might actually work out well in the end."

Even if I said that to my past self, I would probably still feel anxious or blame myself for my shortcomings, but now, for some reason, I feel like I want to watch over even that part of myself with warmth.

---
#StoryOfMovingToTokyo I won an award!