What I think now, after being told 'It must be nice to be single' over and over

Hello,
this is Akito Sarashina.

I have returned
from a business trip to Hiroshima.

On the Shinkansen ride back,
a family with small children
sat in the seats behind me.

They were quite lively (lol).

In the midst of that, something suddenly came to mind.

The day I stopped getting angry at being told 'It must be nice to be single'

'It must be nice for you, being single.'

I have been told this phrase several times before.

You can use your time and money for yourself.
You've never raised a child.
You don't know how hard child-rearing is, do you?

These are words thrown at me as if they were obvious, in that kind of context.

To be honest, I used to get quite angry in the past.

Because the times I was told that were
after I had divorced and 'failed at marriage'.

It wasn't like I became single because I wanted to,
nor had I decided from the start not to have a family.

Even so, words spoken under the premise that
'single = easy'
or 'single = having plenty of resources'
felt like they were
completely ignoring my circumstances and my past.

When I looked into cases like this,
I found that it has been established
as marriage harassment.

I didn't know that (laughs).

There is nothing more troublesome than words spoken with good intentions.

However, looking back on it now,
I don't think the people who threw those words at me
had any strong malicious intent.

In fact, in many cases, they were well-intentioned.

"It's nice that you're free"
"I'm envious of you"

I was sometimes told things like that.

But when I think about the background from which those words emerge,
oftena lack of breathing roomcan be seen through them.

Work, family, raising children.
A reality that doesn't go as planned.
A home environment that cannot be called harmonious.

Amidst all that,
perhaps it was just something that slipped out
when they looked at someone in a different position than themselves.

In other words,
it seems that while those words appeared to be about 'my life',
they were actually just reflecting
the situation of the person saying them.

The reason I stopped getting angry

There is something I realized recently.

Even when I am on the receiving end of similar words,
my heart is not as shaken as it used to be.

I don't get angry,
and I don't feel like arguing back either.

That is not because I have become stronger,
nor because I have become thick-skinned.

I simply believe it is because
the position of 'marriage' within myself has become clear
.

Marriage is neither a 'correct answer' nor an 'incorrect answer'

Being married doesn't make you superior.
Being single doesn't make you inferior.

A life with a family,
a life lived alone,
it's not a matter of which is better or worse.

Each has its own
joys and its own hardships.

That simple truth,
I feel I have finally been able to accept for myself.

So now,
even when someone else's values are thrust upon me,
I can accept them simply as an 'event'.

I don't deny them,
nor do I overly affirm them.

'Oh, that's how this person feels right now.'
I've become able to just leave it at that.

To avoid being swayed by the words of others

When you are deeply hurt
by a casual remark from someone else,

it is often not just because the other person used strong words, but also because
your own values have not yet fully solidified.

How do I want to live?
What do I want to cherish?
How do I view marriage?

If those things are vague,
other people's words will pierce your heart directly.

But,
once you have your own core,
other people's values become 'just one opinion'.

They might be right,
or they might be wrong.

That is all there is to it.

When told 'It must be nice to be single'

When I am told 'It must be nice to be single',
sometimes it makes me feel uneasy deep inside.

But, there is one thing I want to make clear there.

You don't have to let other people's words take the wheel of your life.

No matter what the other person is carrying,
no matter what dissatisfaction or lack of composure they are hiding,
you don't need to shoulder those circumstances yourself.

Because of someone's remark,
your choices don't suddenly become the right answer,
nor do they become a failure.

Whether you are married or single,
it is you yourself who is living your life.

That is precisely why
you should quietly solidify your own standards
for 'marriage' and 'happiness'.

The moment that axis is formed,
the words 'I envy you for being single'
cease to be an 'attack'.

They become just an opinion.
They become just an assumption.
They become just a remark that lets slip the other person's own situation.

And you, you won't stop there.
You won't be swayed.
You will stop reacting more than necessary.

Simply put,

you stop caring about the heckling from the sidelines.

Those who have protected a family have that weight. Those who have lived as singles have that loneliness and responsibility. Neither should be compared on the same playing field.

Are you living your chosen life with proper responsibility? That is all that matters.

That is why I want to keep a distance where we can respect each other's lives.

#ReflectionNote #ThinkingAboutDiversity