I couldn't stop crying after writing a 'letter to myself' and having a narrator read it aloud
Have you ever written a letter to yourself?
I hadn't.Perhaps most people don't have many opportunities to write letters to themselves. I'm not very diligent with myself, and I'm the type of person who finds things like "messages to myself" embarrassing (laughs).
As someone with low self-esteem, I was never good at practicing things like "self-care" or "valuing myself."
Looking back now, I realized it was because I wasn't accepting myself.
But this time, by writing a letter to myself, I truly felt, "Shouldn't someone like me write a 'letter to myself'...?".
That is how much of a major discovery and change of heart I experienced.
From here on, I will write about the realizations I had after writing a letter to myself and having a professional narrator read it aloud. I have also published the content of my "letter to myself" as it is, both for the sake of the narration I received and as a reference for those who might want to try writing their own "letter to themselves" (laughs).
Through a connection on note, I had a professional narrator read my letter
As a writer, I write for "someone" every day. It was December, and I was clacking away at my keyboard, trying not to be caught by the approaching deadlines.
At that moment, I suddenly opened note for a change of pace.
Then, the following article recruiting monitors popped right into my view.
The article was written as follows.
I hope to provide the experience of 'having a letter you wrote yourself read by someone else, and listening to it.' By having someone else read it, I think you might be able to feel what you value and the words directed at yourself from a fresh, slightly more objective perspective.
I will provide it as an audio file, so please listen to it repeatedly if you like, and I would be happy if you could find courage and energy not from 'someone else's words,' but from 'words you directed at yourself.'
I truly felt that it was such a wonderful project and sentiment.
At the same time, I realized that I had never written a "letter to myself" before.
Actually, I had a previous connection with the author of the article, professional narrator Watanabe-san, as I was in charge of writing for her website. I remember being very happy when she said, "After seeing your writing, I definitely wanted to work with Saori-san,"after seeing my essays on note.
The circumstances of how we met and what happened at that time are summarized here.
When I had a meeting with Watanabe-san at that time, I felt that she was someone who values people and can empathize with their thoughts. She is also someone with numerous achievements as a narrator. Her daily essays on note are also rich in sensibility, warm, and resonate with the heart.
Having someone like that read a letter to myself is an opportunity I would never have in my entire life.
Above all, I felt like I needed this right now.I also wanted to align my head and heart so I can move further along my own path next year.
“I definitely want you to read this!” Before I knew it, I had opened the application form.
That is how I ended up writing a 'letter to myself'.
When I tried to write a 'letter to myself,' self-denial emerged
Well then. When I tried to write my first-ever 'letter to myself,' feelings of unease began to surface.
“I have more things to reflect on this year, after all...”
“I haven't really achieved any results, and I haven't been trying hard enough, have I?”
“It's embarrassing, after all.”
And so on—a flood of self-denial and self-criticism came pouring out.
This is because there were many opportunities to reflect and feel down this year. Words of gratitude or positive messages for myself just wouldn't come to mind.
The reason I couldn't write was that I hadn't been 'speaking positively to myself'
“I can't write...” I sat blankly in front of my computer for a while. Even though I am a 'writer,' after all. Here, the criticism of my 'unable-to-write self' popped up again, and I hurriedly chased it away.
When I stopped blaming myself and thought, 'Why can't I write?', I realized painfully that it was because 'I don't usually speak positively to myself.' I lacked 'kind words' for myself.
Perhaps I am not the only one.
After all, from the time we are children, we are often taught to 'try harder' and 'if you work hard, you will gain more of such-and-such.' Of course, I have received many benefits from that, and it is not wrong.
But... was that really what I wanted? I wondered, how long do I have to keep trying?
It is what I always think when I find myself acting for someone else's sake and ending up exhausted like a worn-out rag.
However, I decided to take this opportunity to 'cherish myself a little more and become a kinder person!' and turned back to my computer. Because this is my goal for next year—no, for the rest of my life.
I was able to write once I imagined my 'guardian spirit'
Here, after much trial and error, I came up with a killer technique.
“That's it. I should try writing as if I were my own 'guardian spirit'!” I thought, maybe I could write if I looked at myself objectively?
What would my guardian spirit say, the one who has been watching over the 'me' who is trying to write her first-ever letter in front of the computer today, ever since the day I was born into this world...
I'm sure there are plenty of things to pick apart or criticize (lol), but I believe that, all things considered, they wish for my happiness and are watching over me.
This approach worked well, and my pen moved smoothly. I thought, 'Oh, I actually worked pretty hard this year, didn't I?' The phrase 'be kind to yourself,' which never quite felt right, finally clicked and made perfect sense.
If you'd like, please feel free to use this method when writing a letter to yourself (lol).
I felt that you don't have to write a lot; even just a few lines focused intently on yourself is what's important.
I listened to the narration that arrived, and I couldn't stop the tears.
After successfully sending the 'letter to myself' to Mr. Watanabe, I spent the rest of the day feeling warm and calm. Strangely, I felt,'It's okay to just be myself.'I was able to think that.
Perhaps it was because I secured time to face myself. There was also a warm reply from Mr. Watanabe, and I felt excited about the narration that would arrive soon.
A few weeks later, the narration, carefully crafted by Mr. Watanabe, arrived.
I turned on the play button with excitement. Then, it sounded like words from 'someone who knows me well.'
▼ The actual narration received is below (I have received permission from Mr. Watanabe)
As I listened, a 'different version of myself' with a calm smile came to mind. Even though they were my own words, it didn't feel like it. My vision blurred, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my cheeks one after another.
I felt that the voice reached deep parts of myself that I hadn't felt just by writing the letter.
Perhaps it was because I felt it not just as information through words, but through sound and sensation.
Also, listening to the individual message from Mr. Watanabe that was included separately from the narration made me cry even more uncontrollably.'I felt the young Saori,' 'Thank you.'At those words.
At that moment,Ah, it's okay for me to be alive,I was able to think.
I felt as if I had been saved from the darkness of guilt, helplessness, and worthlessness that would well up at unexpected times for no apparent reason.
I realized that I was actually working hard because I wanted to be acknowledged by myself. It wasn't someone else, but ultimately myself, after all.
That's what I realized.
That is why I understood that anyone else's 'praise' or 'evaluation' didn't remain and had faded away. I also realized that perhaps I had been entering a 'must work harder, must grow more' mode to fill that void, repeating a painful, vicious cycle.
For the first time, I was able to apologize to my past self and express my gratitude.
Through the letter,I was finally able to apologize to my past self and express my gratitude.
Then, I felt like I had connected with the self that had been separated. I realized that I had been struggling because I wasn't connected to myself.I realized that I had been struggling because I wasn't connected to myself.
When the tears streaming down my cheeks finally dried, I was finally able to understand it in my heart. I had suffered from depression in the past, and although I felt I had learned a lot about the heart, I felt like I understood it in a new way now.
From that moment on, the weight I had been carrying suddenly felt lighter. Now, I feel like I can listen to my 'senses' more than before, and the bond of trust with myself has grown stronger.
I wrote this because I thought there might be others out there today who are feeling the same way and suffering.
The year is almost over. Why don't you try writing a 'letter to yourself' too? To yourself, who manages to survive the day one way or another, despite everything.
At the end of this article, I will post the contents of the letter I wrote this time. This is because I'm sure those writing a letter for the first time might feel a little confused, just like I did. I hope it serves as a reference.
Finally, thank you so much, Watanabe-san, for giving me this opportunity.
I'm so glad I've been writing on note. I look forward to writing about my own realizations and discoveries again next year.
▼Watanabe-san's Official Website
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▼The 'Letter to Myself' I wrote this time
To Saori in 2023
I am writing a letter to you for the first time in my life. I have written many things for other people, but this is the first time I've written to you. This opportunity came about because of the connection you made by writing on note, so life is truly interesting.
First of all, thank you for your hard work this past year.
It has been a year since you became a freelancer, and you put a lot of effort into your work.
You took on new challenges even though it had been less than a year since giving birth, thinking, 'I'll do my best for my clients and readers!' You have always had a tendency to get completely absorbed in things when you're passionate, for better or worse.
I wish you could be a bit more skillful and take breaks, but you always give everything your all.
But thanks to those actions and the people you met, you received more work offers, and strangely enough, this year you had many opportunities to work on articles about 'people's experiences.' You are slowly getting closer to what you want to do, aren't you?
You also fought hard every day for your children.
You talked with nursery school and school teachers about your eldest son's development, and you were sleep-deprived from taking care of your second son, who still needs constant watching. You were sometimes tired and unstable, but that is exactly why you learned the importance of consulting with those around you. It is thanks to your children that you, who are clumsy, were able to think, 'I will stop trying to carry everything alone.'
However, if you get too tired, you won't be able to do anything, so I want you to take more time to rest next year. You were in poor health quite often this year, weren't you?
I want you to stop being swayed by the expectations and speculations of others and listen more to the voice of the 'me' closest to you.
This is my biggest request from the current me.
Also, I don't want you to blame yourself every time something happens. It's okay to blame yourself, but you should just use it for the next time.
I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for being positive and moving forward even a millimeter every day, even while being scared, failing, and having things not go well.
Compared to the past, when you would just sleep and couldn't move, thinking 'I can't do this anymore,' that is huge progress. Anyone can find the optimal path if they don't give up.
From now on, I want you to stop ignoring the 'voice' of you, who is closest to you, and move forward instead of listening to 'someone else.'
You wanted to live by cherishing yourself and your family, who are closest to you, first, without being bound by external 'correct answers,' right?
The things and experiences you wanted as a child can be fulfilled by you as an adult.
This summer, you went on a solo trip for the first time in years, feeling nervous, and it was fun, wasn't it? Moreover, when you wrote about that experience, you were surprised to receive more reactions than expected. But that was the moment you realized that you truly love the experience of conveying important realizations and learning to others.
I want you to increase those kinds of unexpected experiences next year. Because then, the people around you will naturally become happy too. So, I want you to follow your curiosity and move more when you think something looks fun.
And yes, there might be people who drift away or leave.
If you don't believe in yourself, then who will believe in you?
You already know that a life where you hate yourself is truly boring and the most painful thing.
And above all, I'm sorry for ignoring 'you' so much until now.
I wrote a lot of things, but it is also my fault that I became someone who 'pushes themselves too hard.'
It is undoubtedly 'me' who, since childhood, didn't let you do what you wanted, didn't let you say what you wanted to say, and arbitrarily gave up and set limits.
It would be good if you could first tell people you trust, and yourself, more often that 'it was painful and sad.'
Knowing you, I'm sure there will be times in the future when you will hate yourself or feel discouraged. There might be days when you feel like you're going to lose to your past self.
While receiving support from those around you, please walk your one and only path with confidence. You might want to try trusting people more instead of being afraid of them. I'm sure everyone is kind.
If you do that, you should be able to laugh from the heart more by this time next year.
Thank you for surviving today, one way or another.
いいなと思ったら応援しよう！
最後までお読みいただき嬉しいです♪ありがとうございます！これからも心を込めて執筆していきます。