There is no way to know a future where the yakisoba no one ate runs out

In the future I had imagined, there were no children.

I became convinced of this during a childcare internship in middle school.I was not good with children, and children were not good with me.At the nursery school I visited as part of the class, I was all alone.

The children were squealing and frolicking at the arrival of the rare visitors. My female classmates, the moment they saw them, let out cries of "So cute!" and jumped right into the group of children. They formed a happy circle, saying things like "Wait, wait!", "Gotcha!", and "Peek-a-boo!"

Meanwhile, I couldn't find a way to join in and sat formally in the corner of the playroom. No one came near the handmade play-kitchen set I had made out of cardboard. The children avoided me so skillfully that I had the illusion that they saw me as a wall, or rather, that they didn't even see my existence at all.

Children are very sharp; they know who will play with them and they choose accordingly.They are never fooled by fake toys. After all, that girl currently surrounded by children doesn't even have a toy. She has nothing. I believe she wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. I think she will be.

The childcare workers were moving around busily, and they didn't seem to have any time to spare for someone like me, sitting all alone in the playroom with a handmade frying pan over a fire. Sizzle, sizzle. I put my embarrassment and loneliness over the fire and just waited for time to pass. In the corner of the playroom, I slowly tore up newspaper and cooked it. The newspaper yakisoba piled up, never reaching anyone's hands.

I think the idea that all girls love children is a fantasy. I was surprised by children who suddenly screamed, confused when a child I didn't know peered into my face, and had no idea what to do even when I saw a child crying.

I didn't understand them.
I didn't understand children.
Because I didn't understand, I was afraid.

I thought that even if I got married in the future, I would pass on having children. I couldn't successfully picture myself raising a child.

⌛︎20 years later—⌛︎

A 2-year-old on my lap. A 10-year-old on my right. A 7-year-old on my left.
Right now, three children are surrounding me.

All three start talking at once.
"Mom, read me a book!"
"Mom, check my homework!"
"Mom, can you turn on the TV?"

I answer everyone at the same time.
"Not yet, the TV. Once upon a time, there lived an old man and an old woman. This problem, your addition is wrong. The old man went to the mountains to gather firewood, don't turn on the TV? I'm doing my homework. The old woman went to the river to wash clothes. That's right, I forgot to hang out the laundry. Yeah, it's correct. 100 points. Okay, okay, I'll read the rest now."

It's like this.
How things ended up this way is a mystery.

Twenty years ago, in that nursery room, I held three beings that I thought were 'scary because I didn't understand them.' It is actually scary that my state of mind has changed 180 degrees.

I learned that children scream when they are happy.
I learned that they peek at your face because they are interested.
I learned that if they are crying, you should just hug them.

Twenty years ago, no one would come near me even when I was sizzling and shaking the frying pan, but now, even if I warn them to 'stay back because it's dangerous,' someone is always clinging to my feet while I hold the pan. I'm afraid I'll burn them. No matter how much yakisoba I make, it's never enough.

I am standing now in a future I never imagined.
Having turned the beings I thought were scary because I didn't understand them into ones I love.

Not knowing is scary.
I used to think the future was scary because it was unknown.

But I learned that the unknown can turn into something precious, so I've come to believe that no matter what kind of future comes, I'll be okay.

#A future I never imagined