The 'Solution Trap' That Kind Teachers Fall Into: How to Face a Student Told to 'Die' by Her Mother

Children with Worries

Adolescent children carry various worries.

I often receive requests for advice not only from children in my own class, but also from children in neighboring classes and other grades.

Some teachers might find that troublesome, but I basically listen to any child's concerns. That is because it is a great learning experience for a teacher.

However, 'listening to a child's concerns' is not that simple. There are things that you must be very careful about precisely because you are a teacher.

As a young teacher, what do you think those things are?

A girl who was told to 'die' by her mother

'Um... Mr. Nakano...' A faint voice called out, and the classroom door opened slightly while I was preparing for tomorrow's lessons in the empty classroom after school.

'Oh, Saki. What's wrong?'

Saki is a girl from the next class. She is a responsible child who even serves as a club president, but she carries a heavy burden. She came to me two days ago, so I listened to her then.

Today, her eyes are filled with tears. (Something must have happened...)

'Did something happen with your mother again?'

...Yes... Teacher, are you busy?

'No, I'm fine. It's okay, come in. Shall we talk over here?'

...Yes.

'Last night, she told me, "You idiot, just die!"'

'What!? Why did that happen?'

'I was studying for a test yesterday... and my mom came home drunk late at night... She started complaining about her workplace in a loud voice, saying, "Saki, listen to me!"'

'I see... and then?'

'I wanted to study, so I said, "That's enough, isn't it?" and she got really angry, saying, "Why can't you listen to your mother!" and then...'

'I see. That must have been tough. It was painful for you, wasn't it?'

'I really... I just want to leave home.'

What should a teacher do?

Saki is an only child from a single-parent household, and she has constant trouble with her mother.

Her mother has an elegant air and a wonderful smile, but according to Saki, once she gets home, she changes into a different person, shouting and spewing venom.

There are constant fights between mother and daughter at home, and it seems they have even thrown dishes and gotten into physical altercations.

'Lately, maybe because things aren't going well at work, she's been saying abusive things to me more often.'

'I don't want to fight anymore, so I've been thinking about living at my grandparents' house (which is nearby)... but when I say that, she tells me, "Then don't ever come back."'

'My grandparents try to warn my mom... but then that just leads to another terrible fight...'

This is how Saki pleads with me.

Every time she says something, there is a long silence.

However, I dare not say anything.

I just look her in the eye, listen, and nod.

So, we both remain silent for a while.

'...Mr. Nakano, what should I do?'

When she asks that,

I see. So... what do you think is the best thing to do?

I urge them on.

I do not state my own opinion.

Even if I were to state my own opinion, it would not be her opinion.

The reason I listen to her is that by talking to someone else, she can organize her own thoughts.

If I were to give any advice, it would add new information, leading to confusion rather than clarity.

That is why, when a child comes to me for advice, I commit myself to

'not giving advice'.

I stick to that.

Wait until positive words emerge

After talking for a while, Saki said the following:

'I want to go to my grandparents' house, but... if I do, my mom might be left alone and get even worse...'

'My mom seems to be having a hard time at work right now, so... maybe I should try listening to her a little longer...'

'I think I'll only go to my grandparents' house if it looks like we're about to have a real fight.'

Perhaps because she had said so much of what she wanted to say, her words gradually became more positive.

'Oh, come to think of it, I think I talked to you about whether or not to go to my grandparents' house before, Mr. Nakano. I'm saying the same thing again. Haha.'

Finally, her expression began to brighten.

Only when we reach this stage do I share what I am thinking.

'Yeah, but Saki, even though you're struggling, you're still able to think about your mother. That's admirable.'

'Mr. Nakano, I'm not admirable! I'm okay because I have you to listen to me, but for my mom, I'm the only one who listens to her...'

'Ah, I see. You're right. Your mother is lucky to have such a good daughter.'

'Mr. Nakano, please keep listening to me a lot more as my “father” from now on. Please!'

Think about the reason a child comes for advice from the child's perspective

Teachers are generally kind people.

When a child is troubled and comes for advice, teachers want to help them somehow, so they give them all sorts of advice.

Do this, do that, and so on.

That comes from a teacher's kindness and is by no means a bad thing.

However, the reason a child goes out of their way to consult a teacher is

because they 'want someone to listen to them.'

It is not because they want a teacher's advice.

For a while after I became a teacher, I did not understand that.

I was more focused on presenting solutions than on listening to what they had to say.

Instead, I should focus on the child's story.

Devote yourself to 'listening'.

Solving the problem is not the teacher's job.

The essence of a teacher's job is

to 'listen until the child solves it themselves'.

Once I became able to do that a little, children started coming to me for advice more often.

In Saki's case, if you include the times I listened to her in the hallway, I have already counseled her over twenty times.

That is why I think she looks up to me like a real father.

When a child who was troubled and teary-eyed leaves with a bright expression after talking to me, I feel an indescribable sense of happiness.

It is true that if you counsel many children like that, it takes time, and drawing out a child's true feelings is quite difficult.

But since I went to the trouble of becoming a teacher, I want to be there for a child's worries as much as I can.

I believe that is where the true meaning of a teacher's job satisfaction lies.

Do you, as a young teacher, feel the same way?