To You in the Library: Episode 8

[Synopsis]
In the days spent at the library, the distance between Akane and Nagi gradually closes.
Casual conversations, sudden smiles.

Each one of them shakes Akane's heart.
But within Nagi, there is still a past that cannot be touched.

"I'm writing this for that person."
Without being able to confirm the meaning of those words.
Meanwhile, her relationship with Ren also continues in an ambiguous state.

A distance where she can neither get closer nor pull away.
In the midst of this, Nagi develops a fever, and Akane is taken by Nozomi to visit Nagi's room.

The signs of Nagi's "life" that she sees for the first time.
Thoughts piled up on the bookshelf.

And the quiet time just for the two of them.
The warmth of Nagi's hand reaching out, and Nagi's words, "I was happy."
That night, a feeling takes shape within Akane.

—I want to be loved by this person.
＊



[Episode 8] The Meaning of 'Sorry'



　The sky after the rainy season stretched far into the distance.　It was three days after Nagi's fever broke that Akane met him at the library for the first time in a while.　With summer vacation approaching, a restless atmosphere began to drift through the campus. At the end of lectures, she could hear groups gathering and talking about travel plans from all around. Akane walked the usual path to the library, listening to the buzz behind her.

　When she opened the door, she knew immediately. Nagi was there.

　At his usual seat by the window. With his notebook open and a pen in hand, he was there as if no days had passed at all. But to Akane, that figure looked a little more radiant than usual. There are things you can see because there was a void. She thought that was what it meant.

　Akane walked over and placed her bag at the corner seat. As she went to pull out her chair, Nagi looked up.

　Their eyes met.

　It was an instant. But that instant felt strangely long. Usually, the time until one of them looked away was a bit shorter. Today, for some reason, they both hesitated for a moment before slowly looking away.

　"...Nagi-kun... your fever, it's gone, right?"

　Akane said as she put down her bag. Her voice was slightly high-pitched.

　"Yeah."

　Nagi said only that and returned his gaze to his notebook.

　"I'm relieved."

　When Akane said that, Nagi said "Thank you" in a small voice.

　Akane sat in her chair and took a book out of her bag. She hadn't finished reading Nagi's third work yet. But she hadn't brought that book today. Without even realizing it herself, she had been putting off the timing to return it to Nagi.

　She opened the book and followed the words. But they wouldn't enter her head.

　She couldn't settle down because of the presence next to her. It was a while later that she realized Nagi was the same. Usually, Nagi kept his pen moving, but today his hand stopped from time to time. Just when she thought it had stopped, it would start moving again. That rhythm was different from usual.

　Nagi was there, not meeting her eyes.

　Whether it was intentional or accidental, she couldn't tell. But every time Akane went to look up, Nagi would always look away a little bit sooner. It was a way of keeping distance—chasing but never catching up.

　But she felt the distance between their chairs was closer than usual. It might have been her imagination. But the sense of distance was too certain to be just her imagination, and Akane felt that closeness without being able to judge whether she had moved closer or Nagi had.

　She was conscious of it.

　It was the same for Akane.

　She couldn't pretend that the day he grabbed her arm at Nagi's house hadn't happened. Nagi's hand, which had reached out even while he was unsteady with a fever-flushed face. Today, that hand was next to her again. There was only a slight distance between that hand running across the notebook and Akane's book.

　Akane turned the page. She hadn't read a single character.

　The closing announcement played.

　As she packed her things, Akane glanced at Nagi's profile. Nagi's movements were a little slow. Was he conscious of her, or was his health not yet fully recovered? It could be taken either way.

　The two of them headed for the exit and went outside. The summer night air wrapped warmly around their bodies.

　They walked side by side on the way home.

　It was silence. But it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. It was a silence filled with things that couldn't be put into words, in a space without words. The sound of cicadas reached them from afar. A road with streetlights at equal intervals. Nagi was next to Akane.

　She didn't know what to talk about. But she also felt that they didn't have to talk.

　She realized it just before the intersection.

　Their hands touched.

　Just a little, the tips of their fingers. The hands that swayed naturally as they walked slightly overlapped because of their respective strides. She thought it was her imagination. It happens that you bump into someone while walking. With anyone. The moment she thought that, Nagi's hand firmly grasped Akane's.

　Akane reflexively looked up at Nagi's face. Her heart jumped all at once. The area around her ears grew hot.

　Nagi was walking while looking straight ahead. His expression didn't change. An unsociable profile was just there. Nagi squeezed her hand, which he was holding, once more, firmly.

　He didn't say anything. But he was saying it.

　To Akane, it felt like a confession. A confession without words, but a certain one.

　The two of them walked all the way to the station holding hands just like that. In silence. Without saying anything. Words weren't needed. If they put it into words, something might change, and neither of them wanted that.

　They stopped in front of the ticket gate.

　Nagi didn't let go of her hand. They faced each other. Akane looked up at Nagi.

　"Akane."

　Nagi called her name. Even though it was the same voice as always, it sounded with a different weight only tonight.

　Akane gasped.

　"...Yeah."

　"No, sorry, see you tomorrow."

　Their hands quietly let go.

　Akane looked into Nagi's eyes for a while. It was a face that had started to say something and then stopped. That expression was very painful to Akane.

　"...Yeah, see you tomorrow."

　Nagi nodded and turned his back.

　As Akane passed through the ticket gate, she ruminated on those words.

　Sorry.

　Why did he apologize? Was it a "sorry" for holding hands? Was it a "sorry" for swallowing the words he had started to say? Or was it a "sorry" for the fact that he hadn't sorted things out within himself yet?

　It could be taken as any of them. She couldn't decide on any of them.

　On the train, Akane kept looking at her palm. Feeling as if Nagi's warmth still remained, she repeated clenching and opening it. Her heart was terribly shaken. Happy, painful, scared—all of it was rushing in at once.

　Sorry. What are you sorry for?

　A question without an answer flowed away beyond the night train window.

　The next morning, when Akane was walking on campus, she heard a voice from behind.

　"Akane-san!"

　When she turned around, Nozomi came jogging over while waving her hand. Softly, that scent of peach melba drifted over. Today she was wearing a dress, which looked great under the sun.

　It had been since that day she was taken to visit Nagi. Today, too, Nozomi was as bright as ever.

　"Sorry about the other day! Calling you out so suddenly." Nozomi apologized properly, though without looking particularly guilty.

　"So, how was it?"

　She stared at Akane with a smirk. Those eyes were eyes that knew everything.

　"How was it, well... oh, thanks for preparing the porridge. I was surprised that everything was prepared, Nozomi-san, you're amazing."

　"Hmm, is that all?"

　"What do you mean 'is that all'?"

　Akane's face turned red. Nozomi wasn't a bad person. She knew she was actually a person who was almost too kind. But this person acted while seeing through everything. She knew from the beginning that the urgent business of that day was a lie.

　"No, I'm just meddlesome and impatient... it's nothing!"

　Nozomi laughed and shook her head. Then she looked straight at Akane.

　"I love Nagi. He is truly a precious person to me from the bottom of my heart. I also know Nagi's clumsiness. That's why I decided to support Nagi's happiness. Isn't this also a wonderful love?"

　She chuckled and walked away quickly, saying, "See you later!"

　Leaving behind the faint scent of peach melba.

　Akane couldn't move as she watched her back.

　A person with a strength and radiance she didn't have. A person who, even if rejected or hurt, could still look forward and act for the happiness of the person she loved. It was too beautiful, and it looked almost dazzling to the current Akane.

　Support Nagi's happiness.

　Those words slowly sank into Akane. Akane didn't properly understand the meaning of what Nozomi said. At this time—

　That afternoon, Akane contacted Hinata.
　When she sent a message saying, "Let's talk a little," she got a reply immediately. "Waiting in the cafeteria," it said.

　When they saw each other for the first time in a while, Hinata looked a little thinner. But her expression was calm, and the eyes looking at Akane were the same Hinata as always. When they sat side by side, words somehow got stuck.

　"Hinata, you know."

　"I'm sorry."

　Their voices overlapped.

　Akane looked at Hinata. Hinata also looked at Akane. There was a slight pause, and they started laughing at the same time.

　"I'll say it first," Hinata said. "I was dragging on about Ren-kun, only thinking about myself, and wasn't supporting you at all, Akane. I'm sorry."

　"That's not true."

　"It is. When you were at your most messed up, I was holding onto my own feelings and couldn't listen to you properly."

　Akane tried to shake her head, but stopped. Since Hinata was being honest, she thought she also had to face her honestly.

　"I'm the one who's sorry for not noticing your feelings, Hinata. Even though I told you everything about Ren-kun and Nagi-kun. I didn't think about how much you were suffering."

　"Akane, you're not at fault."

　"But I wanted to notice sooner."

　Hinata lowered her eyes for a moment, then looked up.

　"I haven't seen Ren-kun lately. That person is the type to distance himself from people when he's hurt."

　"That might be true."

　"Even if you rejected him, I wasn't planning on approaching him," Hinata said slowly. "But, while my feelings were growing stronger. I just wanted to be honest about that."

　Akane listened in silence. Each of Hinata's words fell into her heart carefully.

　"I'm thinking, 'I don't want to get hurt,'" Hinata continued. "The more I like someone, the more the possibility of getting hurt increases."

　"Me too."

　The words came out naturally.

　"I also don't want to get hurt. I know for sure that I like Nagi-kun. But I still don't know Nagi-kun's feelings. Even though he held my hand, he said 'sorry,' and I don't know the meaning of that either."

　Hinata looked at Akane.

　"It's scary to get hurt, isn't it?"

　"It's scary."

　The two of them looked at each other's faces. And laughed. They could laugh even though they felt like crying. They could laugh, but it was somehow painful.

　"Why is love so painful?"

　When Akane said that deeply, Hinata suddenly stood up.

　"Eradicate love!"

　The voice echoed in the cafeteria.

　It was so sudden that Akane burst out laughing a beat late. Surrounding students turned around wondering what was going on. Hinata looked a little regretful that she had said it at full volume, but when Akane started laughing, she joined in.

　"What is that, that's the best."

　"It just slipped out."

　"Hinata, you're the best."

　While their laughter wouldn't subside, a low voice came from behind.

　"You guys look like you're having fun."

　When Akane and Hinata turned around at the same time, Ren was standing there.

　Hinata's smile froze in an instant. Her cheeks turned red. Ren didn't seem to notice that, and was directing a gentle smile at the two of them.

　"It's been a while," Akane said, and Ren said, "Has it?" in a slightly evasive way.

　He looked like the usual composed Ren, but to Akane, he looked a little tired. It might have been her imagination. But something in the depths of his eyes was different from before.

　"Let's have lunch together as the three of us again."

　Ren said that, raised his hand, and left.

　As the three of us. Akane thought about the meaning of those words. Did he say that because Hinata was there, or was it a declaration that they would continue to connect as friends? She didn't know Ren's true intentions.

　Hinata was following Ren with her eyes. That profile was quiet and looked a little lonely.

　She really likes him, Akane thought. Even though Hinata liked Ren this much, she hadn't noticed it all this time. She felt truly sorry that she hadn't noticed.

　"Hinata."

　"What?"

　"Try facing Ren-kun properly."

　Hinata looked at Akane. She had a surprised face.

　"You're saying that, Akane?"

　Akane gave a bitter smile and continued.

　"I can't choose Ren-kun. That's clear. That's why I can say it to you, Hinata."

　Hinata didn't say anything for a while. Then, she slowly looked down.

　"...It's scary."

　"I know."

　"Even though I know I'll get hurt, I like him."

　"That's the painful part of love."

　The two of them were silent for a while. The buzz of the cafeteria continued in the distance.

　One evening, when she went to the library, Nagi was there.

　When Akane put her bag down and sat in her chair, she saw a figure at the library entrance. When she looked up, Ren was standing there.

　When their eyes met, he smiled. It was his usual smile. A natural, soft smile with the same temperature for everyone.

　Ren walked slowly toward them. Akane felt her heart jump a little. Nagi was next to her. Ren recognized Nagi. He had clearly said he knew where Akane's feelings were headed. Why did he come? Tension ran through Akane.

　When Ren came to the side of Akane's seat, he crouched down and met her eyes.

　"Can we talk for a bit? Outside."

　Akane hesitated. She felt Nagi's gaze. She couldn't confirm if Nagi was looking at her or just reading a book.

　"Today is..."

　"It'll be over soon."

　Something like impatience was mixed into Ren's voice. It was a little different from the usual composed Ren. Akane was curious about that, so she stood up.

　"...Yeah."

　Her eyes went to Nagi for an instant. Nagi was looking at his notebook without looking up.

　When they went outside, summer light was shining in from the corridor window. Ren leaned against the wall and crossed his arms.

　"Sorry, for the suddenness."

　"No. What's wrong?"

　Ren was silent for a while. Ren, who usually had words flowing out smoothly, was searching for words. Just that made Akane a little nervous.

　"About Hinata..."

　Akane stopped moving.

　"Hinata told me she liked me. But, she said she didn't think I would like her back. I could only say 'sorry'."

　"...I see."

　"Hinata was crying, but I think she'll be okay. She's strong."

　Ren's voice was calm. But something remained in the depths of his eyes. A quiet pain for having hurt her.

　"That's not all," Ren looked at Akane. Straight on. "I told Hinata that I haven't given up on Akane yet. So I thought it would be unfair if I didn't tell Akane too."

　Akane's chest tightened.

　"I like you, Akane. Always. That hasn't changed."

　The summer light stretched further into the corridor.

　Akane looked at Ren's face. Ren didn't look away. Those eyes were honest, without any hidden agenda, and that was exactly why her chest hurt.

　"Ren-kun..."

　"You don't have to answer. I just wanted to tell you that today."

　Ren smiled a little. It was a much more natural smile than before.

　"Well then."

　"...Yeah."

　Saying that, Ren started walking down the corridor. He didn't look back. That back was straight and looked a little lonely.

　Akane stood there for a while.

　She knew Ren's feelings were still with her. It wasn't that she disliked Ren. That was true. But when asked if she liked him, she couldn't give an answer. Her feelings for Nagi were too clear, and she couldn't see anything else well.

　When she returned to the library, Nagi was still sitting in the same posture. When Akane sat in her seat, Nagi glanced at her. He didn't say anything. Akane didn't say anything either. She just opened her book.

　But she felt that Nagi's gaze was directed toward her a little more than usual. It might have been her imagination. But she also felt it wasn't.

　That night, she got a message from Hinata.

　Can you talk for a bit?

　Akane called immediately. After two rings, Hinata answered.

　"Akane."

　Her voice was a little hoarse.

　"Hinata, are you okay?"

　"Yeah. I cried, but I'm okay now."

　Akane waited for Hinata's words.

　"I got properly rejected by Ren-kun."

　"Hinata..."

　Silence continued for a while. She could hear Hinata's quiet breathing.

　"I'm going to give up properly. It might take time, though," Hinata's voice was trembling, but it had a core. "So you, Akane, do things properly with Fukase-kun."

　Akane's eyes grew hot.

　"Hinata, thank you."

　"You'll regret it if you're not honest."

　"...Yeah, you're right."

　After hanging up, Akane looked at the ceiling.

　It was good that Hinata was strong. It was good that Hinata was honest. Because she put her feelings into words, Akane felt that her own outline had become a little clearer.

　Do things properly with Fukase-kun.

　Hinata's words were repeated in her chest.

　The next day, Nagi suddenly said.

　"Won't you come to my place today?"

　In the silence of the library, only those words echoed loudly.

　"Eh, your place? Your place is, um, that, how should I say..."

　Her face was going to turn bright red again.

　"I won't do anything."

　"Eh, no, it's not like that."

　For an instant, she remembered Nozomi, who had teased her. She knew Nagi had said that line on purpose.

　She knew she was turning red as if she had been set on fire. Nagi laughed out loud. This was the first time for this.

　"No way, that's terrible!"

　She had raised her voice in the library. Attention from around them gathered. The two of them hunched over at the same time. When they looked at each other like that, they shook their shoulders and laughed together.

　Akane was surprised that they had become two people who could laugh innocently like this. After a breath, Nagi said again.

　"No, I really want you to come today."

　He had serious eyes.

　"...Yeah, I understand."

　Akane made up her mind. Today, she might find out.

　The meaning of that "sorry."

　If that was a word to reject her—

　That one word remained in a much deeper place than she had thought. If he regretted holding hands. If that was just a momentary whim—

　The hand that had squeezed back firmly at that time,
　She couldn't help but think that it might have a different meaning now.

　Akane felt the depths of her chest go cold.

　The two of them headed to Nagi's apartment. They took the train and walked to the apartment just a short walk from the station. They walked side by side quietly. She knew her heart was beating in the depths of her chest.

　The entrance she had come to that day too. The door opened, and Nagi let her in. They got on the elevator and proceeded to Nagi's room.

　"Sit down," Nagi recommended the sofa.

　When she sat down saying "Thank you," he put ice in a glass and poured tea for her.

　"I thought you were worried, Akane. I wanted to talk today."

　Nagi started.

　While she was wondering what he wanted to talk about, Nagi took out a small box. When he opened the lid, there were several photos inside. He placed one of them on the table.

　It was a photo of three people laughing at the summer sea. A slightly younger Nagi, a beautiful and tall girl, and another boy with refined features. Nagi was captured with a generous smile she had never seen before.

　Akane didn't know that Nagi could smile like this.

　"The girl in the middle was my girlfriend."

　She had felt that way from the moment she saw it, but hearing it in words again made her chest ache.

　"We always hung out as three. I loved her and that guy next to her..."

　Nagi's words stopped. She somehow guessed.

　"I fell in love with her, confessed, and we started dating, and that guy was happy for us too, but... well, that's how it is."

　Akane didn't know what to say.

　"I didn't know for quite a long time... it's just that I encountered them when I went to her house."

　It was an awkward way of putting it.

　"I broke up with her, but in the end, she and that guy continued dating, and it became known throughout the school."

　He continued while shaking his voice a little.

　"It wasn't just losing my girlfriend and my best friend, it felt like I had lost everything. Since then, I guess, I started to dislike many things, and I couldn't open my heart."

　It felt like he had finally managed to talk it all out.

　"I wanted to tell you, Akane."

　"...Thank you for telling me."

　Akane wanted to hug Nagi. But her body wouldn't move. She felt that everything about Nagi until now had connected. Why he was sensitive toward Ren. Why something disappeared from Nagi's face every time he saw Akane standing next to Ren.

　If Nagi liked her, she couldn't let him carry the same wound twice.

　Akane gathered her courage and asked.

　"Do you still like her, since you have the photo?"

　She became anxious that her answer would be rejected. She also thought she shouldn't have said it. After a short pause, Nagi opened his mouth.

　"Not anymore."

　Only that one word came back.

　Is that because you came to like me?

　The words echoed only in her heart. She didn't have the courage to say those words out loud yet.

　But Akane knew that Nagi's heart was changing.

　The two of them looked at the photo on the table in silence. That smile at the summer sea. The place where Nagi had once smiled. The weight of the time that had passed far away from there was quietly there.

　Akane looked at Nagi. Nagi was looking at the photo. That profile overlapped with the smile in that summer photo, and Akane's chest tightened.

　A person who was hurt is trying to like someone again. That someone might be her.

　She was scared. But she didn't want to run away.

　A quiet time flowed in the room. Outside the window, the summer wind was shaking the trees. The photo on the table was still there. But she felt that this atmosphere tonight was starting to create something different from the time in that photo.

　Akane wrapped her glass with both hands and listened to the sound of the ice melting.

　She didn't ask the meaning of "sorry" tonight.

　She felt she understood without asking. She might just be thinking she understood. But Akane certainly felt it. The meaning of the words he had started to say and then swallowed in front of the ticket gate was connecting with Nagi's words tonight, and was quietly taking shape.

　As she was leaving, while putting on her shoes at the entrance, Nagi said.

　"It's gotten dark, so I'll see you to the station."

　They left the apartment and walked in the night breeze. The streetlights illuminated their feet, and cicadas were chirping in the distance. A summer night walking with Nagi.

　I didn't know yet at this time—that everything would start moving right after this.

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🎧 There is an image song for this story.

That time in the library,
That silence, that distance.

It is a song called '{One More Step}'.

After you finish reading,
I would be happy if you could remember it one more time along with the music.

▶ Click here for the image song 'One More Step'
Music by IZU (Produced on Suno)