On Nights and Sleep

There are nights when I want to sleep but cannot. In my case, that happens more often than not.
Anxiety wells up naturally after nine o'clock at night. The thought, "Will I be able to sleep tonight?" invites restlessness, which in turn drives sleepiness away.

Days of changing medications

I have tried countless sleeping pills so far. Myslee, Dayvigo, Quviviq, Lunesta. Among them, 10mg of Myslee worked the best, and the fluffy sense of relief that came when it started to take effect was comforting. However, I have a history of habitual OD. Myslee was no exception; I used it too much, developed a tolerance, and stopped being able to sleep. Now, I am monitoring my progress with Lunesta and Brotizolam.

Sleepless nights

Even so, there are nights when I cannot sleep. If I pick up my smartphone, I only become more alert, so I leave it on the desk and just stare at the ceiling. The room is filled only with the rhythmic sound of the air conditioner. The socket where the ceiling light used to be remains, and that small, dark point strangely intensifies my sense of loneliness. It felt as if the night, long as eternity, was testing me.

Medication works better when you don't worry about it

Nights when the medication works are different. Before I know it, I drift off to sleep and welcome the morning. I am both saved and pushed around by that contrast. Recently, I have been trying something different. I stopped going to bed immediately after taking my medication and instead spend 30 minutes lying on the living room sofa. When I move to bed at the moment my eyelids feel heavy, I find that I am able to sleep more often.

Conclusion

The dilemma that the more you try to sleep, the less you can. There are nights when I envy people who do not have this struggle. But thinking that there are others facing medication and sleep in the same way brings me a little bit of comfort.

May a quiet and peaceful night come to everyone struggling with medication and sleep.