The Unfreedom Within Freedom: The Inner Conflict I Realized After Becoming Unemployed

When I was working as a full-time employee, I was always living on the edge of my physical and mental limits.
Back then, I had so many things I wanted to do, like "I want to travel," "I want to live a mindful life," and "I want to do some gardening."
—Those "things I wanted to do" kept bubbling up.


But now that I've quit my job and am unemployed...

Even though I should have free time,
I don't feel like going anywhere. I don't feel like doing anything.
I used to think, "I'll go on a trip" or "I'll refresh myself," but

now that I'm actually unemployed,
"Is it okay for an unemployed person like me to go on a trip?"
"Is it okay for an unemployed person to indulge themselves?"

I've started putting the brakes on myself like that.


I can't help but compare myself to others.
People who are working, people raising children, people enjoying their retirement...
Compared to those who seem to be living their lives to the fullest,
I feel miserable, wondering "What am I doing?" and I've become afraid of meeting people.

But recently, I've realized something.

The fact that I "don't have a place I want to go" means, conversely,

that "I am currently in a period of searching for what I really want."The flow of my emotions is just different from when I had motives like traveling as a reward for being tired from work or giving myself time for working hard.

When you're unemployed, you also need a lot of energy to start something.
I don't have confidence in myself because I'm not working,
and even if I want to do something, I might feel afraid of human relationships,
or I might not be able to take that first step.


But I think that's actually very natural.


The "me who wants to do something but can't" is
feeling many things, feeling lost, and

[ Proof that I am living seriously ]

Right now, I am in the middle of searching for "what I want to do" and "how I want to live."

Even if I don't rush, and even if it looks like I'm standing still,
I'm sure that deep in my heart, I am moving forward properly.

"There is value in me even now, when I don't know what I want to do."

I started this note because I wanted to be able to think that way.

I hope this reaches those who are struggling in the same way, even if just a little.