What a man who is told 'You're a nice guy, but I don't feel a spark' should do

"I don't dislike you. But I just can't see you as a man."

I have heard this one sentence from women hundreds of times.

You were kind.
You were sincere.
You listened well.

And yet, in the end, you cannot become a romantic interest.
And the man who gets rejected usually doesn't realize what went wrong or what he should have done.

I have worked as a therapist for women's sex work for three years.
I have interacted with over 1,000 women so far.
I have also trained male therapists.

This time, I will talk about what a man who is told 'You're a nice guy, but I don't feel a spark' should do.

What you lack is not kindness

First, let me introduce a misunderstanding that many men tend to have.

"Personality is important," "I like kind people."
That is what women say.
Even in the National Fertility Survey (2021), the conditions sought in a marriage partner were "personality" and "character" at the top for both men and women, while "appearance" was ranked lower.

However, even if you believe this and aim to be a kind man, you will not become popular.

In an American speed dating experiment (Eastwick & Finkel, 2008), the "ideal conditions" stated in advance and the partners they actually wanted to see again after dating almost never matched.
This means that the conditions one says and the people one is actually attracted to are completely different.

It was exactly the same in women's sex work.
The most polite and sincere therapist is the one who gets the fewest repeat customers.
That is an everyday occurrence, and I have seen it dozens, hundreds of times.

You should discard the idea of using kindness as a weapon in romance right now.
Because what you are lacking is not kindness or sincerity.

A spark is the attraction as a member of the opposite sex

Then, what is lacking?

Psychologist Fletcher and colleagues divided what women look for in a partner into three categories (Fletcher et al., 1999).

・Kindness and sincerity (attraction as a person)
・Attraction as a member of the opposite sex
・Status and economic power

A nice guy has perfect scores in kindness and sincerity.
But he has almost no attraction as a member of the opposite sex.

A spark is this attraction as a member of the opposite sex.
It is not kindness or humor.
"Whether or not I can see this person as a man."
That is all it is.

And these two are completely different things.
No matter how much you appeal to your kindness, your attraction as a member of the opposite sex will not increase at all.

Even in psychology, a sense of security and passion are treated as separate emotions (Sternberg, 1986).
Even if a nice guy continues to provide kindness, he cannot become a romantic interest.
Even if he does, it's only to the extent of being a 'kind friend'.

Why nice guys are not seen 'as men'

The reason is clear.
Nice guys treat the other person with care 'as a person'.
But they don't see them 'as a woman'.
And that is always understood.
This is what is commonly called 'being nice to everyone'.

Listen carefully.
Do not deny them.
Help them if they are in trouble.

Certainly, these are all correct actions.
However, there is absolutely no vibe that says 'I am conscious of you as a woman' in those actions.
Then, the woman will interpret it like this.
'This person does not see me as the opposite sex'.

People do not see someone as the opposite sex if that person does not see them as the opposite sex.
A woman who is not treated as a woman will not treat you as a man.

Even in the world of female-oriented sex work, the most harmless men are the ones who leave the least impression.
There is no harm.
It is reassuring.
But nothing happens.
The heart is not moved.

A man who cannot move a woman's heart will not become a romantic interest, no matter how nice he is.

How to convey 'I see you as a woman'

Attractiveness as the opposite sex means showing an attitude that says 'I see you as a woman'.
No special techniques are needed.

First, change how you compliment.
'You're kind' is a compliment for a person. You can say that to anyone.
'That outfit looks good on you. You're cute' is a compliment that shows you see her as a woman.
Just by being able to say the latter, you become a man who is attracted to as the opposite sex, rather than just a man who is liked as a person.

Second, do not hide your romantic interest.
Nice guys try to completely erase their romantic interest.
Because they don't want to be disliked.
However, if you erase all romantic interest, the woman will judge that 'you are not interested in me'.
The correct answer is not to erase it.
It is important to show it just a little.

Be a gentleman usually. But in a sudden moment, look at her with a man's eyes.
That gap becomes the realization that she is being seen as a woman.

Third, stop just going along with things.
The kindness of reading the room and saying 'anywhere is fine' comes from weakness.
The kindness of taking the lead by saying 'Let's go here. There is a shop I want to go to with you' comes from strength.

It is the latter that makes a woman's heart race.
Show your strength as a man by taking the lead.

It does not mean throwing away kindness

There are men who always get this wrong.
They think, 'So, should I aggressively hit on her?' or 'Should I be pushy sexually?'
This is completely different.

Kindness and sincerity are the foundation of a relationship.
The moment you throw this away, you just become a sleazy guy.
A sleazy guy might be able to create a spark in the moment, but it is hard to create a sense of security.
Even if you can have a one-night stand, you won't become the main partner.

You must not throw away kindness.
It is necessary as a premise.
On top of that, you should gradually show your attractiveness as the opposite sex.

It means something completely different when a man with a foundation shows a hint of romantic interest versus a man without a foundation showing it.
The former becomes a gap, while the latter just ends up as a shallow guy.

You need to understand this.

A relationship cannot be built on comfort alone or excitement alone.

Let me explain just in case. A man who only has appeal as a member of the opposite sex will end up in a physical-only relationship. That is because while there is excitement, there is no trust.

A man who is only kind will end up as a 'nice guy.' That is because while he is trustworthy, there is no spark.

You should understand that a romantic relationship only works when there is both comfort and appeal as a member of the opposite sex. Having only one or the other is not enough.

A nice guy is already halfway to winning.

Finally, I want to tell the nice guys out there. You may look like you are at a disadvantage, but you are actually standing in the most favorable position.

It takes years for a player to build trust. However, a nice guy can start acquiring appeal as a member of the opposite sex starting tomorrow. That is because the foundation is already complete.

Change your compliments to ones that praise her as a woman. Instead of hiding your intentions, show them just a little bit. Instead of always going along with her, try taking the lead just once.

With just that, you will start to change from being 'a nice guy, but...'

Kindness is only half of a romantic relationship. The moment you acquire the other half, you will become a man who gets chosen.

Once you can project that 'male gaze' not through words but through the atmosphere, women will start to become conscious of you without you saying a thing. I cover that in my paid magazine, 'The Textbook of Attraction Vol. 1: The Non-Verbal Master Guide.'

If you are interested, please take a look.

Thank you for reading until the end. If you found this helpful,
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Sakura | Translator of Female Psychology