If you can get her to say, 'I didn't realize two hours had passed,' you'll get a second date.

"I didn't realize two hours had passed."
If you can get her to say this on a date, you'll get a second one.

When a woman leaves a date, she generally feels one of two things.

"I didn't realize two hours had passed. That was fun," or
"I had to listen to him for two hours straight. I'm exhausted."

Even though it's the same two hours, the outcome ends up being the exact opposite.
And most people assume this difference comes down to how interesting the conversation was.

But honestly, that's completely wrong.
The only difference is who was doing the talking.

I'll say this upfront: this isn't about LINE messages.
This is about the conversation once you've met in person.

I used to work as a therapist for a women's adult service for over three years, interacting with more than 1,000 women.
Why was I, someone who isn't even particularly good at conversation, constantly told that I was "easy to talk to"?

In this piece, I want to talk about the reason for that.

"Not asking questions" is what people hate the most.

Looking at the internet and listening to the voices of my female clients, I heard these things a lot.

"It's really exhausting to go along with someone who talks one-sidedly for two hours."
"He barely asked me any questions. I felt like he wasn't looking at me at all."

This isn't limited to romance; it's generally how people feel about those who talk one-sidedly, whether at work or among friends.

And the people who worry about not being able to keep a conversation going are the ones who plan topics before the date.
Checking the news, Googling lists of questions, preparing interesting stories, and so on.

I really understand the feeling.
Silence becomes scary, doesn't it?
You get worried if you don't say something.

But the more you decide on what to talk about, the more the time you spend together feels like an interview.
Going through questions in order, thinking about the next topic before the other person has even finished answering.
That's what makes the woman think, "I don't want to see him again."

Honestly, you don't need any preparation for a first date.
Whether in customer service or my private life, I have never prepared at all.
If I had to say, I just briefly review the LINE or messages we exchanged before meeting.

The protagonist of the conversation

I'll say it again: the reason conversation doesn't continue isn't because you lack topics.

I want you to think about when you feel like you're having fun.
Most people should find it fun when they are the ones talking.
Things they like, things they love, hobbies, complaints about work, and so on.
Isn't it most fun when you're talking to someone?

Isn't it more exhausting to listen to someone else's story than to tell your own?
Isn't it boring?

In fact, research results suggest that when people talk about themselves, the reward system in their brain is activated.

Also, a separate Harvard speed-dating study showed that those who led to a second date weren't the ones who were good at talking, but the ones who asked many questions.

Even if you prefer listening, you should keep in mind that most people find it most enjoyable when they are talking about themselves.

So, when a woman says, 'I didn't realize I'd been talking for two hours,' it means she was the protagonist of those two hours the whole time.

Being told 'that was fun' isn't because your story was interesting.
It's because she was able to talk comfortably.

Besides, if you make yourself the protagonist of the conversation, you'll run out of topics depending on the other person.
Because, depending on the listener, you can keep the other person talking as much as you want.

'What was the trigger for your interest?', 'What do you think is the most attractive part?', 'How is it different from other things?'—you can expand the conversation indefinitely depending on the listener.

Therefore, I want you to think of conversation not as something you talk in, but as something you let the other person talk in.

If you make yourself the protagonist, the conversation will stop if the listener doesn't ask questions.
Conversely, if you can make the other person the protagonist, the conversation can go on forever depending on your listening skills.

In fact, I have talked on the phone for half a day myself, and I have accepted requests to listen to half a day's worth of complaints many times.
I am not good at conversation.
In fact, I hardly talk about myself at all.

I just handed the role of protagonist to the other person.

Characteristics of a man who makes himself the protagonist

Having read this far, I want those who thought 'I'm fine' to double-check.

I'll list three things, so look at them while thinking back on your own dates.
・The moment silence falls, you start talking.
・While the other person is talking, you are thinking about what to say next.
・After the date, you know almost nothing about what the other person likes.

If even one of these applies to you, you are making yourself the protagonist of the conversation.
I think many people do the second one in particular.
You might look like you're listening, but in your head, you're busy preparing what you're going to say next.

Women can tell when this is happening.
The reason they often feel like 'he isn't really seeing me at all' stems from this.

Just listening isn't enough either.

After reading this far, you might think, 'So I should just keep asking questions,' but that's not right either.
If you just keep firing questions, it becomes an interrogation, not a conversation.
Besides, a woman won't feel comfortable talking to a man who doesn't share anything about himself.

If she thinks, 'I have no idea what this guy is thinking,' you'll never close the distance, and it won't lead to a second date.
Keep the other person as the protagonist, but share a little bit about yourself too.

There are tricks to getting someone to talk, too.

Before you polish your conversational skills

Let me summarize today's points.
The reason conversations don't last isn't because you lack topics.

It's because you are making yourself the protagonist of the conversation.
Stop searching for topics and hand the protagonist role over to the other person.
Just doing this will change the conversation itself.

Whether you want to enjoy being the protagonist in a conversation or make the other person the protagonist to be more attractive is up to you.
Now, I'll touch on the 'tricks' I mentioned earlier.

How to get them to talk, how much of yourself to reveal and when, and how far you can push.
If I write it here, it'll just turn back into a discussion about talk techniques, so I've compiled everything into a separate article.

I've explained everything in depth, from how to get them to start talking on their own, how to self-disclose, signs of how far you can push, and even real-life examples, so please take a look if you'd like.

If you want to solve all your conversation worries at once, check out the all-inclusive 'Dating Textbook Vol. 2: Conversation Masterclass'.

Finally, I'll say it one more time.
It's not that your conversation is boring.
It's just a matter of who is the protagonist.

On your next date, try to get the other person to talk for two hours.
The level of interest they show when you part ways and the warmth you feel when you ask for a second date will be completely different.

Thank you for reading until the end.
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Sakura | Translator of Female Psychology