Accepting My Emotions - "Guest House"

I had a match yesterday.
Though, it wasn't as a spectator; it was my own match.

It had been a while since my last match.
It was a ward tournament that we were finally able to enter because we had enough people.
It was a very laid-back match.

Everyone kept saying,
"Let's make sure not to get injured. Let's enjoy it with a smile."
We participated with the feeling that winning or losing was secondary.

In the tournament, you play at least two matches.

In the first match, the opponent wasn't that strong, but we lost the first set after a comeback, then won the next two sets to win 2-1.

In that second set, it was 1-1 and it became my turn to serve.

And surprisingly, I continued to serve until the very end.
21-1.
It was a landslide victory.

My serve isn't an amazing serve or anything; it's the kind where even I don't know where it's going to fly.

Sometimes it goes forward, sometimes backward.
Anyway, I was just hitting it with about 60% power to get it in.

However, halfway through, I realized the opponent couldn't pick up short balls, so when I hit,
"Drop in front like Ai-chan's serve,"
there were serves I hit with that thought in mind.
Perhaps my wish was granted, as it dropped properly and I scored an ace.

After that, the other side made spike errors on their own, and our spikes landed, so it felt like I had just been serving the whole time before I knew it.

I don't think I had a single amazing service ace.
My teammates said,
"Isn't this a first? That's amazing."
I was happy, but it felt more like, well, these things happen sometimes.

More than that, I felt relieved that I had managed to do my job in the next set without making any mistakes.

Then, in the next match, the opponent was an incredibly strong team.

I was on the bench for the first set, and we lost it in the blink of an eye.

No one was calling out, so I tried desperately to call out from the bench, but there was only about one person on the court calling out, and the atmosphere was gloomy.

I went in for the second set determined to call out, but I couldn't receive at all.

I was properly in the path of the ball and it hit my hands, but it just deflected off.
I thought I could pick it up, and I told myself I would definitely pick it up, but I couldn't, and that was frustrating.

My family had come to watch that match, and I was only able to show them my pathetic self, which was very disappointing, and it was also disappointing that I couldn't contribute to the team.
More than anything, I was disappointed in myself.

The good feeling from the first match plummeted all at once.

I thought of various excuses, like 'I wish it had been the other way around...' or 'It's because I served too much in the first match and got tired.'
But the feeling of frustration just wouldn't go away.

I tried to think it through in my head to get rid of this unpleasant feeling, but everything I thought of just felt like an excuse, and I couldn't feel clear-headed at all.

That feeling dragged on until this morning.

I thought about just leaving it alone, thinking I would forget it as time passed.
But the frustration remained, and the unpleasant feeling persisted.

I even thought, 'If I'm going to feel like this, I don't want to play in matches anymore.'
That's how far it went.

Then, this morning, while I was watching TV without much thought, Remi Hirano's cooking show was on.
I love Remi-san, who is always energetic and cheerful. After she finished making her quick recipe as usual, the announcer asked her at the end,
'Remi-san, what color would you say represents your feelings right now?'
And when she replied,
'Well, I am supported by everyone, so my life is rose-colored,' and sang the chanson 'La Vie en Rose.'

As she was singing that, the staff around the studio were shown working busily, and for some reason, tears started to come to my eyes.

'Ah, everyone is truly living.'
I thought.
And then it suddenly occurred to me.

'To live is to fully experience the emotions that well up within you.'

This is something I have written about in this note several times.

Then, I realized that the feeling of 'frustration'—which I had been trying to get rid of or wishing would go away—is something I can only feel because I am alive.

It has been a long time since I felt this frustrated.
I had been thinking that I needed to accept it, but I just couldn't.

The 'frustration' was hanging in limbo and wouldn't settle inside me.

Ah, I realized I had been trying to exclude my own emotions!

Then, I felt that perhaps this feeling of frustration was also something important.

I decided to experience it fully.
I decided to let it into myself.

'The Guest House'
I posted this on my note before, but I realized that accepting any emotion is not something you can do right away, and it's easy to forget.

Frustration is an unpleasant emotion.
But this emotion only emerged because I wanted to do something and couldn't; it wouldn't have appeared if I didn't have that desire.

I didn't just play the match aimlessly. I was trying to face it properly. And I thought I could do it.
The feeling of 'frustration' emerged because I couldn't achieve that, and I realized that the reason it wouldn't go away was because that desire was quite strong.

That is why I wanted to treat that feeling of 'frustration' with care.
That unpleasant emotion came about because I play volleyball, and it also came about because I have been continuing to do it for so long.

'Not being able to do something' is by no means a bad thing. Trying to do it is what is important.

I wrote before that 'results will follow,' but sometimes the results might be bad.
However, if you keep going, those things happen.
Because it's not always going to be good results.
I think accepting bad results is very difficult.
But that, too, is an important emotion of mine.

I feel much calmer now.
It feels like I have finally been able to welcome it into the guest house.

Then, I was even able to think that "scoring 20 points by continuing to serve," which I had thought was no big deal, was
actually pretty impressive, wasn't it?
My shoulder hurts, and I think my body worked really hard.
I decided once again that I would take proper care of it when I take a bath later.

I don't know how long I'll be able to do this, but I hope to enjoy playing volleyball as much as I can.

Thank you for reading until the end.