The happiness of being told, 'You've been the biggest help. I'm glad.'

I am Saisakura.
Thank you for reading this article.

In March of this year, I left the company where I had worked for 35 years.
The direct reason for stopping was the recurrence of my breast cancer, but during the year I took off for treatment,
I was forced to face myself, think about my present and who I am, and decided to put an end to my life as a company employee.

I made the decision to quit based on my own thoughts and feelings.
Before reaching this decision, I had spoken to my family and old friends about my wavering feelings and my situation at the time,
sharing my thoughts and ideas in serious, yet not overly heavy, words.

After 35 years—a period that is by no means short—and with only a little time left until retirement, I suppose there was a way to keep working.
But I truly agonized over whether to spend the precious time left in my 50s before retirement 'as a company employee' or 'spending my time in a different way.'

The most important criterion for making my decision was,
whether I had the physical and mental strength to spend a fulfilling time if I were to stay at the company.


I loved the work I was doing. It was a place where the interpersonal relationships weren't bad either.
However, work inevitably involves a certain degree of 'battle' due to competition, differences in opinion, and differences in position.
It requires the strength, mental energy, and physical stamina to see a project through to the end.
And there is evaluation. Is there potential for growth? Is there any hope?

When I considered all of this, I realized that even if I staked my entire future life and living on returning to work,
I would not be able to gain the battle, the strength, or the evaluation. In such a state, is staking my life here
what living is for me? Is it necessary? Is it something I should do?
I asked myself over and over, embraced my wavering feelings, encouraged myself that I could still do it, or felt weak thinking I couldn't anymore,
looked back on everything up to now, reflected, regretted, spent many sleepless nights, and after thinking it through,
I made the decision to quit the company. It was a very, very big decision in my life.

Until then, my life had unfolded according to the company's schedule.
I did housework and childcare, but I was always moving with the thought of 'in order to go to work tomorrow...'
That was me, and I made the decision to quit after being convinced of the timing, the reason, and what would come next.

And I told my parents, who had always supported me while I worked, after I had made the decision.
If it weren't for my parents, I wouldn't have been able to work as a company employee this long.
I am clearly aware of that.

My parents, who always wished for the health and happiness of me and my children, and provided support
that matched my company life.

They would put the brakes on me when I tended to get too absorbed in work,
give me time and space to relax, and of course, they were a reliable ally I could always count on for picking up the children, meals, and care,
rushing over with just one phone call to help out.

This support from my parents saved me even when I was cornered by various things,
and even when I cornered myself, it was a place where I could rest.
I was able to raise my children while thinking of them as precious and adorable, without breaking my heart.

My parents and family knew that I valued my work.
They knew that not only did I do my duties properly, but I also did various studies and activities related to my work.
They also knew that I was always living on the edge, as if being chased by something.

That's why they thought I would work until the very end, until retirement, and even after the children grew up,
I would talk to them about everything—dealing with children in adolescence, health, entrance exams, troubles—and they would accept everything.

That is why I couldn't consult my parents about a single thing.
I couldn't talk to them while I was still wavering about whether to quit.
Even though we had spent so much time together, always, up until now.

I'm sure they would have been disappointed, and they would have tried to stop me.
Because, after all, for our generation, 'working until retirement' and 'completing your time at one company'
is undoubtedly one of the biggest goals as a company employee.

I didn't take the form of a consultation at all; I told them what I had decided.
'I'm quitting my job at the end of March.'

My parents' reactions were different.

My father, who was also a company employee, said, 'You're so close to retirement, why not just go? Maybe just take it a little easier.'
He gave me those words out of the thought that I had come this far, so it was a shame to stop.

In contrast, my mother said, 'Yeah, that's fine, isn't it? You can look after the kids or do whatever you like.'
These were words from someone who had always worried about my health and my children, and had accepted everything.

Because both of them knew my true situation and knew my feelings,
these were words from the heart, without any lies.

I told them both once more, 'Yeah, thank you. I've decided, so I'm quitting in March.'

'I see. 35 years, that's a long time. Thank you for your hard work.'

And, after I quit my job,
Neither of us had thought about it, but it coincided with the time my father was returning his driver's license,
and I started driving them to the hospital and accompanying them.

Then, pushed by the words of an acquaintance, 'You should apply for long-term care insurance soon; it'll be tough on your own if something happens,'
'If the city or public institutions have a record that an elderly person lives here, it'll be easier to get a quick response later on,'
I went ahead and applied for long-term care, even though I thought they were still fine.

As a result, they were certified as 'Support Required,' which is below the level of 'Long-Term Care,' and a care manager was assigned to us, and we started making arrangements for various support, such as renting an electric bed and having handrails installed,
and having home rehabilitation services come to the house.

However, there were quite a few procedures and communications involved in making these arrangements...
For me, it was nothing, but for my parents, it was a bit troublesome, felt complicated, or took time to understand.
So, I naturally started acting as an intermediary, adjusting schedules, explaining the details, and being present when people visited.

At first, I would think things like, 'I didn't quit my job to take care of my parents,' or 'I haven't even decided on my own future yet,' and I was involved with a somewhat conflicted feeling.

Then one day, my father suddenly said...
'You quitting your job is the biggest help to us. I'm glad,' he said to my mother.
My mother also said, 'Yeah, it's reassuring. Knowing you're always here.'

Hearing those words, my murky, conflicted feelings vanished instantly.
Of course, I received their gratitude just as they expressed it, but
I felt that I was 'useful' to these people and that 'my existence was needed.'
That feeling made me let my guard down completely.

Since quitting my job, I no longer go out to work, and I have no income or role in society,
I had decided in my heart to 'live my time for myself,' and I quit my job with my own conviction.
But deep down in my heart,
Am I not useful to anyone or for anything right now?
Is it okay to keep living like this?
Is this what it means to live?
I think I had those feelings.
I had been working all this time, had an income, and took pride in living on my own.
Once that was gone, it felt like my value had dropped, even though I knew that wasn't the case,
and even though I was determined to live as I pleased because it was my own life, I still felt that way.

My parents, who said 'I'm glad' to someone like me.
Thank you.

Somehow, I am still being saved and supported after all.
No matter how much time passes, no matter how old I get, I am still their child.

I always want to be acknowledged, I always want them to watch over me, and I want to be spoiled to my heart's content.

I don't know how many more years we can talk or how long we can be together from here on out.
I can't predict what will happen, but for now, I can spend this time together with them.

I can spend time with them.

'You're the biggest help. I'm glad.'
I've already received the best words.
Let's keep going together, okay!

Thank you.