The Day I Threw Away My Black, Peat-Like Diaries: I Felt Like I Could Finally Face the Monster I Had Defeated with My Eyes Closed

*This is a rewritten version of “The Day I Threw Away My Diaries”*

It was about 20 years ago.
My parents' house in Sendai was going to be rebuilt.

Because of that, I had to organize everything I still had at my parents' house, including my old study desk, books, and notebooks.

In any case, I was terrible at throwing things away.
So, I had kept everything neatly, from my elementary school notebooks to my university ones.
Paperbacks, cassette tapes, and videos were all still there, too.

I managed to get permission to store things I couldn't bring back to my home in Tokyo in the storage room at my parents' house, but I really had to throw away the notebooks...

Even as I thought that, flipping through the pages brought back so many memories.
I ended up bringing home the notebooks from my university days because the lecture content was interesting.
I also tore out and kept the poems and drawings I had secretly written during class if they were good.
I couldn't bring myself to throw away the bundle of letters I had received either, so I put them in a cardboard box to enjoy in my old age...

In the midst of this, I found several diaries from the back of my desk.
Come to think of it, I used to love keeping a diary.
There were ones with beautiful covers and ones with locks.
I even found the nostalgic exchange diary I kept with my best friend in junior high school.

Once I started reading, I couldn't stop.
I could read the exchange diary with my friend with a smile, but when I read my own “personal diary,” I was stunned.

Inside it, something black, black, like peat, from within me was packed tightly.

Of course, it also contained the heart-pounding memories of my first love and records of fun trips.
However, the majority of it was peat... in other words, gossip about others and dilemmas about myself.
Dissatisfaction with my parents.
In the worst pages, intense words like

“I hope you all die!”

were scribbled down.I was in total shock.I threw them away without hesitation. All of them.
After all, I had already parted ways with that version of myself.

But by reading those diaries, I felt like I had seen my “true self,” which I was supposed to have parted ways with, for the first time.
It was like... finally seeing and touching the monster I had defeated with my eyes closed for the first time.


It wasn't until I became able to accept things naturally that I felt I could truly understand this.
Even so, I didn't change in an instant.

When something inconvenient happened to me, thinking,

“Could the cause be within me too?”

was very difficult for me at the time.
After all, I had lived most of my life until then blaming other people and the world.
In that life of mine, there was a major turning point.
An event that could be called a major wound carved into my heart.At that time, I made my important points, but I never blamed anyone else.
I admitted that everything was caused by my own actions and choices, and I said so honestly.

Then,

things began to move in the direction I had hoped for, surprisingly.

It's true that not everyone was left unhurt, but it brought about a peaceful outcome that had never existed in my life before.
When you trace back the things that happened to you very slowly, at the start of the cause, there is often a small mistake of your own.
Maybe at the time, you thought it was the “right” thing to do.
However, as a result, you might have hurt someone, hurt yourself, or told a lie.
“It's your fault!” someone says.
Even if it was someone you were actually planning to apologize to, when you are attacked like that, you end up retorting with,

“Isn't that because of what you did before?”
in a tit-for-tat exchange.But if you could say,

“I'm sorry. Things didn't go well, did they?” from your side.The other person's attitude might soften, saying, “

No, no, it's my fault too.
”From there, a conversation begins, and understanding deepens.
The other person won't necessarily give you the answer you expected.If you know even that from the start, human relationships will go well.And you don't have to be close with everyone.It's just that if you become hostile, nothing will be born from that.
Ah, I think I've become a slightly better adult than when I was writing those diaries...
Sometimes, I have to praise myself (laughs).



“Throwing away”

is truly an important thing, I realize.
If you don't clear up space, new good things won't come in.
I have to delete the old apps and data inside me that I no longer use and fill up the empty space in my heart.

It's easy to cut off relationships with people, but throwing away the “peat-like, muddy self”
inside you is very difficult.
Because you are fond of yourself.
Because it's hard to see yourself objectively.
As I stuffed my old diaries into a burnable trash bag, I thought, “Ah, has this added one more piece of new empty space to my heart?”


For some reason, I was very happy.
It was the first time in my life that I felt so refreshed and happy after throwing things away.
჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻Today will be a good day, too.
You are a precious person, the only one in the world.
First, give yourself a big hug.

I, too, will cherish myself and put my honest feelings into my songs.
Thank you for meeting me.

჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻