A record of how I solved 'I have a sex drive, but I can't do it with my wife.' The cause of the sexless marriage wasn't my sex drive.

“I don't dislike my wife. I have a sex drive. And yet, for some reason, I ‘can't’—”

If you are feeling that way right now, I was the same.

Pretending to be asleep, or unconsciously keeping my distance due to awkwardness...

Turning down my wife's advances over and over again by saying, ‘I'm tired’...

But that is likely not because you ‘lack a sex drive.’

The real cause of this is,

in the ‘emotional distance’—I realized that through my own experience.

In this note, I will explain specifically what the ‘emotional distance’ I unconsciously created was,

and how I was able to close that distance and warm up my relationship with my wife once again.

I will write about that process and the insights I gained, based on my own personal experience.

Even I, who had once almost given up, thinking ‘it might be impossible,’ was able to rebuild our relationship little by little,

Now, I can interact with my wife at a natural pace, and I can feel the connection we had before.

It's not just that our physical relationship has returned,

for example, laughing together during casual conversations, or finding it comfortable to just sit next to each other on the sofa and spend time together.

Or perhaps being able to playfully interact even in front of our children in spontaneous moments.

It means that the warm, reassuring atmosphere we were once on the verge of losing has returned to our daily lives.

For men who feel, 'I don't dislike her, but for some reason, I avoid my wife,'

and who wish to 'properly face my wife once again.'

And it might also be a hint for partners to understand the other person's psychology.

If you are struggling in the same way, I hope this record will provide even a small hint.

Please feel free to read on.

Main Contents

• Why is it that 'I have sexual desire, but I can't be with my wife'?

• What is the 'unconscious rejection' I realized when I faced myself?

• Small actions that naturally changed the atmosphere with my wife

• The sense of security and connection I feel now that I have overcome the sexless period

Chapter 1: The first feeling that something was 'off'

I wonder when it started.

It wasn't like there was a definitive 'day it all changed' for me.

And of course, it wasn't that I had come to dislike my wife.

I still valued our time as a family just as much as I always had.

But before I knew it, something had started to change, little by little.

Looking back, several events had overlapped.

The long-term fertility treatment. At the time, it had become the 'goal,' and perhaps those nights that felt somewhat obligatory were weighing on my mind somewhere.

It was also the busiest time of my career, working until late every night and coming home exhausted every day.

The phrase 'I'm tired today' had eventually become a standard excuse.

And then, our long-awaited first child was born.

Our lives changed completely, and everything became centered around our children.

Along with the joy of having a new beloved presence in our lives, the time we had just for ourselves as a couple decreased dramatically, and our nights became a battle against sleep deprivation.

Both my wife and I were desperate to be good parents.

In the midst of those dizzying days, I began to feel a sense of 'Huh?' at unexpected moments.

For example, in the bedroom.

Even though we should have been able to touch each other naturally like before, somehow my body wouldn't move.

I realized that I was starting to feel an indescribable 'reluctance' toward being intimate with my wife.

'I should probably do it soon...' I thought in my head, but my feelings wouldn't follow.

In fact, I even started turning down my wife's advances...

That didn't happen just once or twice.

There were nights when my wife turned toward me, and I unconsciously turned my back on her.

Feeling her presence behind me, a sense of guilt and helpless anxiety welled up inside me.

Even I didn't know why I was avoiding her.

It wasn't that I didn't have a sex drive. I still took care of myself on my own.

And yet, when I was in front of my wife, my heart and my body would hit the brakes.

I might be hurting my wife.

I felt that guilt, but back then, I pretended not to notice it.

Why did it end up like this?

It would be a while before I started to face the reason for that little by little.

Chapter 2: Searching for the reason I 'can't': The mental walls that became visible

I felt guilty that I might be hurting my wife, but

I couldn't take action right away.

I had a desire to turn a blind eye to this awkward reality.

But perhaps because, contrary to that, there was a part of me that wanted to 'do things right',

I began to look into my own heart little by little.

The first excuse I used was 'fatigue'.

The busyness of work, the hectic nature of raising children.

That was true, and it was easy to tell myself, 'I can't do it because I'm tired today'.

In fact, there were many days when my body felt heavy.

But somewhere in my heart, I realized it. 'Fatigue' wasn't the only reason.

Even on days off, when I should have had the time and energy, I still found myself hesitating to touch my wife.

I was vaguely aware that I had started to feel like sex was something like a 'task to be completed'.

Setting the mood, waiting for the right timing... all of that felt incredibly tedious.

I wondered if there was something deeper hidden behind the convenient word 'tired'.

The next thing I realized was 'fear'.

What if I asked her and she said no? What if she gave me a strange look? Or what if it didn't go well...?

Thinking that way, the step of asking her suddenly felt heavy.

It's not like I've ever been rejected by my wife.

But at some point, the anxiety of 'what if it doesn't go well' started to keep me from taking action.

I thought it was better to do nothing at all than to fail.

Perhaps that cowardly calculation was working unconsciously.

There was probably also a desire to protect my pride.

By not asking, I was keeping myself away from the possibility of getting hurt.

And then, there was the change in how I 'viewed' my wife.

After our child was born, my wife became a 'mother.' She was a reliable partner who handled both housework and childcare perfectly.

I respected her, and I was grateful to her.

But before I knew it, her image as a 'mother' had become so strong that perhaps the switch in me that felt my wife as a 'woman' was no longer turning on properly.

At night, even when I look at my wife beside me, the feeling of 'Mom, thanks for all your hard work today' comes first.

Even though my wife hasn't changed at all, my own selfish perspective created a wall that separated the two of us.

To put it another way, 'a sense of security' also led to complacency.

My wife, who I have been with for many years, is naturally there beside me, and I feel at ease just having her there.

That should be a wonderful thing, but at some point, I had taken that sense of security for granted.

The feeling of 'It's fine even if we don't go out of our way to face each other in the form of sex' had emerged.

I had become complacent in our stable relationship and neglected to put in the effort.

As I traced the excuses, fears, and changes in my own heart one by one like this, I realized something important.

In the end, I realized that I had been 'trying to protect myself.'

From things that felt troublesome, and from the fear of failing and getting hurt.

From facing the fact that I couldn't see my wife as a 'woman'.

From the possibility that I might destroy the stable relationship we have now.

By choosing to 'not notice' and 'do nothing' about all of those things, I was trying to protect myself.

Avoiding it was an unconscious form of self-defense for me.

'I have a sex drive, but I can't be with my wife.'

This state wasn't a problem of sex drive at all, but rather due to the many layers of 'emotional walls' I had built up myself.

Because of that, I had been hurting my wife for a long time.

What should I do about this?

I still couldn't see a solution at all.

But at the very least, I might have taken one step out of the darkness of 'not knowing the reason.'

Chapter 3: The night I decided not to run away anymore

I now somewhat understood the reason why I had been unconsciously building walls and avoiding my wife.

Fatigue, fear, a change in how I view my wife,

and the feeling of wanting to protect myself...

I understood it vaguely in my head.

But then, what should I do? How can I break down that wall?

Time just kept passing without any answers.

Honestly, somewhere in my heart, I might have still been looking for excuses, thinking, 'Maybe it can't be helped if things stay this way...'

It was one night like that.

The children were asleep, and I was blankly watching TV in the living room.

My wife was next to me, as always.

We weren't really talking about anything, and time was just passing by.

Between us was the usual, slightly awkward, quiet atmosphere.

It was my wife who broke that silence.

Suddenly, without looking at me, she muttered,

'You haven't been sleeping with me lately, have you?'

...My heart skipped a beat.

I felt a sharp pang in my chest.

I couldn't find the right words,

and all I could manage was a small, '...Ah, yeah, that's right.'

I felt unbearably sorry, sensing that those few words were packed with the loneliness and questions my wife must have been feeling all this time.

So, she had noticed after all. That I was unconsciously avoiding it.

And perhaps, even if she didn't put it into words, she had been hurt.

Even so, my wife had never blamed me, always treating me with kindness and a smile.

The 'wall to protect myself' that I thought I understood.

Because I'm afraid of failing. Because I find it troublesome. Because I've started seeing my wife as a 'mother'.

Protecting myself in those ways was what made the person closest to me feel this way.

If things go on like this, it's going to be a problem.

The moment I thought that, the feelings deep in my heart that I had been pretending not to see until now emerged so clearly that I could no longer ignore them.

“Actually, I want to connect with her properly once more.”

That feeling had been inside me all along.

It was just that I was scared, it was a hassle, I lacked confidence, and I had kept it bottled up.

Of course, it is scary to face it now.
There is also the anxiety of not knowing what will happen.

But I thought that letting our hearts drift completely apart without doing anything about it was far, far scarier.

I'm going to stop making excuses.

I'm going to put an end to deceiving myself with words like “I'm tired” or “It can't be helped.”

I still have no idea what I should do.

But, regardless, I will try to face my wife properly once more. I will engage with her without running away.

That is what I decided in my heart.

Chapter 4: Starting with things other than sex. The small things I began.

I decided, 'I won't run away; I will face this.'

Even though I had decided that, honestly, I had no idea what I should actually do.

There was just one thing I had decided.

That was, 'not to aim for sex right away'.

To be honest, that felt a bit 'too high a hurdle' for me at the time.

With various emotional walls still standing there, I thought it would be impossible to aim for that right away.

More than that, I had to do something about myself, as I was avoiding my wife for some reason.

I thought I would start by regaining the more fundamental connection that we had lost.

So, I started with really small things.

For example, when sitting on the sofa, I would consciously try to sit just a little bit closer to my wife.

Before, I had been sitting with space between us without even thinking about it.

It wasn't about trying to touch her right away or anything like that.

It was just the feeling of 'I am properly here, right next to you.' I wanted to regain that for myself first.

I thought it was important to first just get used to 'being next to her'.

Instead of trying to jump over a high hurdle right away, it felt more like first leveling the ground.

After that, I made sure to properly say simple things like "thank you" and "thanks for your hard work."

I also made an effort to say "good morning," "have a good day," and "welcome home" in a slightly softer voice than before.

Because, due to being busy or my own awkwardness, I had neglected even that basic communication without realizing it.

This was also my own way of reflecting on the fact that I hadn't been properly seeing my wife as a woman.

Putting things into words, even if they are small, is a sign that you are truly caring for the other person.

As I continued with that awareness, the feeling of avoiding my wife faded just a little, and I began to be able to interact with her naturally...

That's what it felt like.

At the same time as facing my wife, I decided I wanted to properly rebuild myself as well.

Getting proper sleep. Eating as balanced a diet as possible.

Taking long baths. Moving my body, even if just a little.

It's nothing special. It's truly fundamental.

But just by being conscious of these things, I felt like energy was returning to my mind and body, little by little.

How should I put it? It wasn't anything grand like 'being a man,' but simply,a feeling of having a little more room within myself.

A sense that my feelings were becoming just a little more positive.

This was also incredibly important so that I wouldn't easily give in to the 'fatigue' I had been using as an excuse for so long.

Because when I don't have energy, I can't easily face difficult things or things that require a bit of courage. (Indeed, the high hurdle of sex was one of those things.)

In this way, I consciously continued to 'be by her side,' 'speak words to her,' and 'take care of myself' every day.

Of course, nothing changed dramatically right away.

It was truly, little by little.

When I said 'thank you,' my wife would smile, just like that, really naturally.

Even when we were sitting next to each other on the sofa, the strange tension from before had decreased a little.

I could feel that the time we spent laughing together about the kids was more genuinely fun than before.

Every time I felt such a truly small, yet certain change, I felt a gentle warmth spreading in my chest.

I felt a little relieved, thinking, 'Oh, maybe this is okay.'

The big hurdle (sex) was still right in front of me, and my anxiety hadn't disappeared either.

But I could feel a small sense of hope growing within me, thinking, 'Perhaps, if I keep going like this, someday...'

These steady, step-by-step efforts were surely leading to the future.

I had started to believe that.

Chapter 5: The night I 'made a move'

Accumulating small things.

It was one night, after continuing to do that.

That night, I could tell even myself that the atmosphere between my wife and me was different from before.

Even sitting next to each other in the living room, there was no strange tension.

We had time to talk about trivial things and laugh together naturally.

(Ah, maybe it was good that I kept at it...)

Interactions "other than" sex.

That is steadily, little by little, melting something that had been frozen inside me.

I could feel that response.

But, the hurdle I thought was the highest.

That one, I still haven't cleared.

I can't just stay like this forever.

I'm scared. Honestly, I'm terrified.

What if this atmosphere, which has finally improved a little, breaks again?

Excuses start spinning around in my head.

But if I don't make a move here, surely nothing will change.

Even if it does change, it will take much longer.

No, perhaps it might already be too late.

(...Alright.)

In my heart, I made a small, yet firm, resolution.

At a moment when the conversation suddenly paused, I took a deep breath.

Then, I looked properly at my wife, and though my voice might have trembled just a little, I said:

“...Hey, would you like to sleep together tonight?”

It was such a straightforward phrase that even I was surprised.

For a moment, my wife looked truly surprised.

Time seemed to flow very slowly.

And then, she nodded quietly, but clearly, saying, “...Yeah.”

At that moment, I felt as if all the strength had suddenly drained from my body.

We went to the bedroom, lay down side by side, and got under the covers.

For a while, there was silence.

But it wasn't an awkward silence.

I don't know how to describe it, but it was a time where we were both just confirming this situation.

I gently reached out and touched my wife's hand. It was warm.

My wife also gently squeezed my hand back.

My heart raced.

But it wasn't an unpleasant tension; it was a warm, long-forgotten feeling.

Maybe I should have said something clever.

But I still felt shy.

That night, for the first time in a very long time, we had sex.

Honestly, it was awkward.

We were both feeling our way through it, feeling shy, and we might have even laughed a little.

But that was fine.

It didn't have to be perfect; it was perfectly fine as it was.

What mattered wasn't 'doing it well.'

It was being able to touch each other again, share the same time, and feel like we were 'together.'

That made me happy.

Afterward, as I watched my wife's face as she began to breathe peacefully in her sleep beside me, I was simply enveloped in a deep sense of relief.

(Thank goodness...)

From the bottom of my heart, that's what I thought.

It doesn't mean everything is back to normal in one go.

But, I was able to overcome the wall I thought was high, by gathering my courage, and together with my wife.

That was, above all else, a big, certain step forward.

And, that night, I realized it clearly once again.

My problem wasn't the fact that I 'couldn't' have sex itself.

It was that I had 'become unable to face' my wife properly.

That I had finally been able to start breaking down that wall.

In the next chapter, I will talk about how we gradually returned to our daily lives from there.

I will write about the changes in our hearts that occurred after we decided to 'face each other'.綴っていきます。

Chapter 6: How to Create a New 'Normal'

That night. After that night when we connected again.

Everything didn't immediately go back to normal like magic! ...Of course, that didn't happen.

The gap that had formed over many years cannot be filled so easily.

But something had definitely changed.

Sex, too, didn't immediately go back to how it was before after that night.

I think there was still awkwardness and embarrassment.

But it wasn't about the frequency or the time; we became able to honestly cherish the warmth of simply being able to touch each other and be together.

That was a definite continuation of the feelings I felt that night.

I feel like our daily conversations also changed, little by little.

Before, we could only talk about harmless small talk or messages about the children,

but now, for example, I've become able to talk about things that didn't go well at work as a little bit of a complaint,

and my wife has started to vent a little about her part-time job.

Those kinds of interactions, which might seem like nothing to others, felt incredibly precious to me.

Now, I can just sit next to her and spend time together peacefully. That is no longer a burden.

I thought that maybe 'being truly connected' lies in the accumulation of these small, daily moments.

Of course, it's still not perfect even now.

There are days when we are tired and neither of us has any energy left, and there are times when we clash over trivial things. That's only natural.

But the difference is that in those moments, we no longer immediately close ourselves off or silently avoid each other.

We've started to look at our own states objectively first,

and we've become able to honestly say, 'I'm sorry, I don't have much energy right now.'

When we do that, strangely enough, the other person doesn't get emotional either.

Perhaps we have both become able to wait just a little bit longer.

I think that's because, after that night, a sense of security—the feeling that 'it's okay, this relationship won't break easily'—was truly born at the root of our connection.

It's completely different from a relationship that is passionate and lovey-dovey.

But it's quieter, calmer, and deeper, the kind where you can naturally think, 'Ah, I'm going to keep living life with this person.'

That kind of sense of security and trust.

That has become our new 'normal' now.

Looking back, the most important thing I learned from this experience.

It wasn't about rushing to fix only the 'visible problem' of a sexless marriage,

but about noticing the 'emotional distance' and the 'self that cannot face things' hidden underneath—in other words,the emotional walls I had unconsciously built—and not running away from them.

And,the things I have been steadily continuing since those days, the truly small, perhaps even plain-seeming things, without giving up and thinking 'it won't change anyway,' just simply continuing them.

There was no need for any big leaps.

Step by step, carefully rebuilding the foundation that had broken down, once again.

In the end, I think that was the only way.

Finally, to you

Thank you so much for reading this far.

If you are currently feeling like you are in a dark tunnel, just as I once did, thinking 'I don't know what to do' or 'it might be impossible now.'

Now that I have come out of this long tunnel, let me tell you the one thing I feel most strongly.

It is that, rather than rushing to 'get sex back' or 'solve the problem' and trying to face a huge wall all of a sudden,

even if it might seem like a detour at first, changing the very 'atmosphere between the two of you' little by little,

is, in the end, the shortest path.

I, too, used to think only about 'frontal attacks,' like 'we have to talk it out properly' or 'I have to be the one to initiate.'

But what really started to move our relationship out of that cold atmosphere was

the more modest, more fundamental work of picking up, one by one, the 'things that were obvious but had been lost.'

A kind word. Five minutes sitting next to each other. Saying 'thank you.' And taking just a little better care of your own heart and body.

It might sound silly.

But for me, this accumulation of 'small things' was what really melted the wall of my heart that had been frozen solid.

So, if you feel like you are standing helplessly in front of a wall that is too big right now, please, do not lose hope.

The tiny action you can take today.

I want to convey, through my own experience filled with detours, that there is more power in that 'small step' than you might think.

If this personal story can light a small spark of hope at the end of your tunnel, there is nothing that would make me happier.

Thank you so, so much for reading until the end.

I sincerely hope that your days ahead will be even a little bit warmer.

※ 'If this article resonated with you even a little, it would encourage me if you could press the Like (♡) button.'

※ 'If you are wondering, "What exactly should I do?", please feel free to check out this note as well.'