Just to think you are cute
When I belittle myself, my partner says:
“Don’t speak ill of someone I love so much!”
I pause for a beat and say:
“That’s what I said to you. Please stop taking my lines.”
Why does this person take my words? I say them after putting in the effort to think. It is a serious problem. However, I feel that my partner sometimes says this not only when I am “belittling myself,” but also when I am “simply being humble.” Perhaps I should tell them, “I’m not belittling myself right now, I’m just being humble, so that’s not necessary.” It’s not that right now. It’s not needed right now. That’s not it.
If self-deprecation is demeaning oneself as a worthless existence, and humility is an attitude of accepting evaluations from others as they are, what a huge difference that is. Self-deprecation, which attacks oneself unfairly without accepting evaluations from others, is an attitude far removed from humility. When people are self-deprecating, they are not being humble. If one were truly humble, one could not be self-deprecating.
However, many people are self-deprecating while “trying to be humble.” If you, who cruelly carve yourself up with words, call that “humility,” then what were the feelings of the people who directed their affection and praise toward you? It is “self-deprecation” masquerading as humility that denies all of that affection.
Because I am a “humble” person who gratefully accepts evaluations and thoughts from others just as they are, I (almost) never belittle myself. It is difficult to cherish oneself in the same way one pays respect to others, but just as I learn manners toward others, I believe I can realize that I am a precious existence to someone and treat myself accordingly, and I am making an effort to do so. I am in the middle of learning how to receive affection. I feel like I can learn how to show affection.
The problem is the “people who don’t see” the affection around them.
That is often their fortress. The reason for turning one’s eyes away from affection and evaluation is no different from when one does so toward others. It is easy to decide that oneself and others are worthless existences. If you decide that you are “worthless,” you can treat yourself as carelessly as you like. —I suppose there is a kind of peace in that hell.
However, while showing a certain level of understanding for that, I have something I want to say to such people.
Don’t forget that you “made nothing of” the feelings I kept expressing—that you are precious, amazing, great, and cute. I’m angry. I’m fuming right now. It’s not that you have nothing. You threw away the feelings of the people around you. The last, meager treasure you had left. But that was something you should have cherished! That was the moment you needed to hold your ground!
Watching the back of someone walking away, you probably think, “As I thought.” As I thought, that person is gone too. As I thought, everyone is the same. As I thought, I have no value. As I thought, this world is hell. As I thought, ...that is how the prophecy is fulfilled, and you reclaim the hell you are used to living in. That’s right. It’s easy if you decide you have no value. You don’t have to fight. But I wanted you to fight. I wanted you to hold your ground. If I said that, you would probably think, “No, I am fighting!” but that is not fighting. You were the first to let go of the weapon I handed you.
Do you realize that I was hurt at that time? Can you not see that either?
The same goes for myself.
Please remember this. If I start saying to you, “No, no, I’m really no good, I’m like trash. I’m garbage! Not at all!” then it simply means I dislike you, I don’t want to be involved with you, that is all. I feel that any evaluation from you is meaningless, and I have no intention of listening.
My default is to squirm and say, “Please stop (I’m happy)” when praised by people I like. That is me. When praised by my partner, I am the type to reply with all my might, “Right! I knew it! I’m amazing!” Even if I look like a world-class idiot, I will not betray the feelings of the people who loved me.
Of course, just as Satomi Ishihara’s eyebrows eventually became thinner, there might come a time when even I can no longer see the affection from the people I cherish, forget the existence of those I held dear, and start saying “I am nothing” in earnest. If that happens, please enter a shelter. The day the world ends is near.
As I often feel, my partner does not deny me. When I am being stubborn, exclusionary, or showing prejudice, I get scolded quite harshly, but otherwise, I can say they are incredibly sweet. Like, “You cut your hair. Cute.” Or, “Your hair is growing out. Cute.” I am so spoiled that I feel like they would say it just for breathing. Having received such affection from them, should I belittle myself to the world? I should not.
Come to think of it, my mother was a person who would never say things like “my child is truly hopeless” or refer to me as a “foolish son.” I know the reason for this is that my mother herself was a “person raised by being compared to others,” which is heartbreaking, but she must have wanted to stop the bad traditions or cycles. Thanks to that, I think I was able to protect my absolute confidence rather than making relative evaluations of myself. For example, you might not be a handsome guy in relative terms, but to someone, you are absolutely a handsome guy. I want to act toward others in the same way my mother and partner did for me. While saying, “Don’t speak ill of someone I love so much!”
Could you please not deny even this feeling of mine, that I like you? This is my feeling. I just think you are a precious existence, and I use all my words because I want to give you strength.
Also, I think the top image for this post is quite good. I’m amazing.