[Heartfelt Letters] Where is a 'Place Where One Can Feel at Ease'?

― Thinking about places where children can return

'Children need a place where they can feel at ease.'

This is a phrase often used in the fields of education, welfare, and psychological support.

Creating a place within schools.
Creating places in the community where children can gather.
Increasing the number of free schools, children's cafeterias, and learning support centers.

Various initiatives are being carried out to support children. These are very important movements.

However, as a psychologist working with children, one question arises.

While the number of places called 'safe havens' is increasing, why is it that even now,

'I have no place where I belong'

is a feeling shared by so many children?

They attend school.
They have a home.
They have friends.
They are connected to someone on social media.
They have companions within games.

From the outside, there are many places and relationships surrounding a child.

Yet, they feel alone in their hearts.

When thinking about this, we need to rethink whether the word 'place where one belongs' has become limited only to buildings and systems.

A place where one belongs is not simply a place where one can put their body.

I believe it is a relationship or a time where one can feel from the heart that 'it is okay for me to be here'that matters.

A place where one belongs is not something that is given

Adults, thinking of the children, sometimes say,

'This is your place.'

and convey that to them.

However, no matter how well-prepared the environment is, if the child themselves cannot feel at ease, it does not become a true place where they belong.

There is a clean room.
There is an understanding teacher.
There are children of the same age.
Professional support is available.

These conditions are important.

However, what determines whether a place becomes a true home is not the facilities or the name of the program.

It is about whether, when you are there,

you are not abandoned even if you fail.
you are not rushed even if you cannot speak well.
you are not blamed even if you are not feeling well.
your existence is acknowledged even if you do not produce results.

It is about whether you can feel that way.

People cannot truly rest in a place where they must constantly prove their worth.

Being useful.
Meeting expectations.
Fitting in with others.
Not causing problems.

A place where you can only stay if you meet such conditions may become a 'place to work hard,' but it is difficult for it to become a 'place to return to.'

Thinking about a 'secure base' from the perspective of psychology

In developmental psychology, there is the concept of a 'secure base'.

Children step out into the outside world while using adults or environments where they feel safe as their emotional anchor.

Taking on new challenges.
Interacting with strangers.
Experiencing failure and setbacks.
Thinking and choosing for oneself.

Such growth does not happen simply by pushing children out into the world.

Being able to return when feeling anxious.
Being able to rest when tired.
Being accepted even when you have failed.

It is precisely because of that sense of security that children can head back out into the world.

In other words, a place where one belongs is not a place that keeps children confined.

It is a place you can leave again because you know you can return..

However, in modern times, due to the impatience of thinking that 'children must be made independent,' there are cases where a child returning is perceived as a regression.

Taking a break from school.
Depending on parents.
Spending time in one's room.
Becoming unable to do things one could do before.

When adults see this kind of behavior, they become anxious.

However, a child temporarily retreating is not necessarily a failure of growth.

When their hearts are hurt or they have exhausted their strength in the outside world, they need time to return to a place where they feel safe and rebuild themselves.

Children who are not allowed to return cannot set off on their journey with peace of mind.

Can school continue to be a place where one feels at home?

For many children, school is the center of their lives.

It is not just a place for studying, but also a place to meet friends, learn social rules, and discover one's own strengths and weaknesses.

The experience of being recognized at school, and being accepted by teachers and friends, provides great support for a child's heart.

On the other hand, there is evaluation at school.

Test scores.
Report cards.
Assignments.
Group behavior.
Friendships.
Attitude during class.
Progress toward future goals.

While school is a place of learning, it is also a place where one is constantly being watched by others and is easily made aware of one's own position.

For children who can act naturally within a group, school can become an important place where they feel at home.

However, for children who are easily exhausted by the noise and atmosphere of a group, who fear failure intensely, or who are sensitive to changes in human relationships, just being at school can be a source of constant tension.

Entering the classroom.
Listening to the teacher.
Feeling the gaze of friends.
Spending time during breaks.

Even things that seem routine to adults can sometimes consume a great deal of a child's emotional energy.

When it comes to children who refuse to go to school, we often find ourselves thinking,

'What can we do to get them back to school?'

we think.

Of course, being able to attend school again can sometimes lead to the child's own hopes and growth.

But before that,

We need to ask ourselves, 'Was school a safe place for this child?'

It is necessary to think about this.

A child who can no longer go to school has not necessarily lost the desire to learn.

They may have exhausted their strength to protect themselves within a group and are temporarily distancing themselves from a place where they do not feel safe.

Before rushing to get them back to school, it is important to carefully examine what was painful for them at school and what kind of environment would make them feel safe.

Can home be a place where one is 'not judged'?

Home is the first place a child encounters.

Young children develop a sense of being protected and being okay just as they are through their parents' expressions, voices, and the sensation of being held.

'I am protected'

'It is okay for me to be here'

They cultivate these feelings.

However, as children grow, the words exchanged at home also change.

'Have you finished your homework?'

'How did you do on the test?'

'You need to start thinking about your future path soon.'

'How long are you going to keep playing games?'

Many of these words are born out of parental concern.

Because parents care deeply about their child's future, there are things that must be communicated regarding daily life and studies.

However, if a child who is already being evaluated at school, worrying about friendships, and working hard in the outside world continues to receive evaluation and guidance at home, they may lose their place to rest their heart.

For a child, home does not need to be a place where nothing is expected of them.

Teaching social rules and daily habits is also an important role for parents.

However, at the foundation of that,

the feeling that "whether you can do it or not, your value remains unchanged"

is necessary.

What is important for a home to be a place where one can feel at ease is not always being calm, nor is it that parents and children can talk about everything.

There are times when you fight.
There are times when words are misunderstood.
There are times when a child shuts themselves in their room.

Even so, the relationship must not be severed.

Even if there are times when things do not go well, the possibility of talking again must remain.

The sense of security in a home is not fostered by the absence of problems, but by the fact thatone can return even if problems occur.

Children for whom cram schools and extracurricular activities are a place where they feel at ease

Cram schools and extracurricular activities are often thought of as places that demand results.

Improving grades.
Acquiring skills.
Aiming for tournaments or recitals.

However, being able to spend time in human relationships that are different from those at school can sometimes support a child's heart.

A child who has lost confidence at school may enjoy small-group interactions with a teacher at a cram school.

A child who is not noticeable in the classroom may be able to express their true self in sports, music, or art.

They may be able to talk to friends they met at extracurricular activities about things they cannot tell their school friends.

A child's place where they feel at ease is not necessarily limited to home and school.

Rather, having multiple worlds becomes a support when things become difficult in one place.

However, if cram schools and extracurricular activities also start demanding only results, they will no longer be places where one can feel at ease.

It is important to look not only at what the child has achieved, but also at what kind of expression they have in that place, and who they are connecting with and how.

Are social media platforms about connection, or are they about loneliness?

Social media has significantly changed the nature of children's relationships.

Even after leaving school, they can stay connected with friends and meet people who share the same worries or interests.

Even if they are in the minority in their real-life environment, they can find people with similar experiences in the online world.

For children who struggle to speak directly, expressing themselves through text or images can be a valuable outlet.

In that sense, social media has the potential to become an important place where children can feel at home.

On the other hand, because social media makes connections with others constantly visible,

Feeling left out of an invitation. Feeling like your posts get little reaction. Seeing friends having fun with others. Seeing someone else's life looking more fulfilling than your own.

Experiences like these can intensify feelings of loneliness and anxiety.

Even if you are connected on social media, if you cannot show your true self, your heart remains lonely.

The cheerful self. The fun-loving self. The self that is liked by those around you.

In relationships where you only show those sides of yourself, you may seem connected, but you cannot truly rest.

Whether social media becomes a place of comfort cannot be judged by usage time alone.

We need to observe whether the child feels at ease in that space, or whether they are suffering from comparison and tension.

What are children seeking in the world of gaming?

In consultations regarding gaming, I sometimes hear phrases like:

"They are escaping from reality."

"They are playing games all day long."

I hear these kinds of words.

Certainly, if everything in life revolves around gaming and it is having a major impact on sleep, meals, and relationships with family, careful support is necessary.

However, there is something to consider before taking away their games.

Why do children continue to stay in that world?

In games, the results of one's efforts are returned in an easy-to-understand way.

Even if you fail, you can try again.

Even if they have lost confidence in their real-life school life, they may be needed by their peers within the game.

Even children who struggle with conversation may be able to interact naturally with peers who share the same goals.

What they are gaining in games is not just stimulation or fun.

A sense of accomplishment.
A role.
Connection with peers.
A sense of being able to choose and act for oneself.
The security of knowing you can try again even if you fail.

It is possible that they are gaining these things.

Simply making them stop playing games may cause them to lose the very place they found within the game.

What is needed is to gradually increase their sense of security, accomplishment, and connection in reality outside of games as well.

Instead of forcibly pulling them away from games, understanding what the child is seeking in those games is the starting point for support.

Free schools are not a substitute for school

Free schools are sometimes spoken of as places for children who refuse to attend school to go instead of school.

However, their true role is not merely to conduct school learning in a different location.

A place where children who were tense at school can spend time at their own pace.

A place where they can interact with others regardless of age or grade level.

A place where their existence is acknowledged before they have to achieve anything.

Free schools have a role as an intermediate space for children to reconnect with people and society once again.

They are not required to return to school immediately.
They are not rushed to get better.
Even on days when they cannot do anything, they are accepted.

During such times, children gradually regain their sense of self.

What is important is not to make the free school a place where they must adapt in a new way.

If we demand the same level of participation and growth from a child who could not adapt to school in a different environment, they will only suffer again.

For a free school to become a place where they feel at home, it is necessary for the child to be able to choose their distance from others at their own pace.

A psychological counseling room is not just a place to solve problems.

Regarding psychological counseling rooms,

'a place for people with serious problems to go'

'a place for people who have become ill to use'

Some people have these impressions.

However, the role of a psychological counseling room is not limited to diagnosis or problem-solving.

I cannot talk at school.
I do not want to worry my parents at home.
I do not want my friends to think I am heavy.

It is also a place where children holding such feelings can put their thoughts into words without having to accommodate anyone else.

It is fine if you cannot talk right away.

It is fine to remain silent, or to talk only about your hobbies.

What is important in psychological support is not to make the child talk, but to...

'It is okay to be here just as I am right now'

create a relationship where they can feel that.

Only within a relationship where they feel safe can a child begin to look at their own pain little by little.

A psychological counseling room is not a place that replaces home or school.

Standing between home, school, medical care, and the community, it is another small place where children can ensure they do not lose their connection to society.

You don't have to have just one place where you belong.

When we think about places for children to belong, we tend to think,

"We must find one place where they can feel safe."

We end up thinking that.

However, there is no need to demand that one place fulfill every role.

At home, they rest their bodies. At school, they learn and connect with friends. At cram school or extracurricular activities, they discover what they are good at. In games, they experience a sense of accomplishment and cooperation with others. On social media, they connect with people like themselves. At a free school, they regain their own pace. At a counseling office, they sort out feelings that are hard to put into words.

It is perfectly fine for each place to have a slightly different role.

What supports a child's heart is not one perfect place to belong.

It is having many small comforts that are connected without interruption.is what it is.

Even if they stumble in one place, they can return to another.

If school is difficult, they have home. If they cannot talk at home, there is someone they can consult. Even if they are tired of real-life relationships, they have friends who share their hobbies.

Having multiple places to belong does not mean distancing the child from society.

Rather, by not letting one world become everything, a child's heart can maintain its resilience.

Adults should not decide too much on where a child belongs.

The place adults think is safe is not necessarily the same place where a child feels safe.

Even if parents think returning to school is the safe path, it might be a time when the child needs to spend time at home.

Even if adults see gaming as an escape, for the child, it might be the only place where they can interact with people naturally.

Even if you recommend a free school, it may be that just going out is difficult for them right now.

The more adults think of the child, the more they try to take them to a 'better' place.

However, a sense of security cannot be given from the outside.

The right to decide which place is safe also belongs to the child.

What adults can do is provide options.

And to accept that there are times when they cannot choose.

Waiting for a child to start moving is not the same as doing nothing.

It means protecting a place they can return to, while keeping the thin thread to the outside world from breaking.

Summer vacation is a time to rethink where one belongs

During summer vacation, children are temporarily separated from the daily routine of school.

Some children feel energized by being freed from school, while others lose their rhythm of life and become unstable.

As the time spent at home increases, the distance between parent and child may shrink, or the tension between them may rise.

Summer vacation is also a time when a child's state of mind, which is usually hard to see, tends to surface.

If they feel better without school, perhaps that child was using a lot of their energy at school.

If their time on games or social media increases, it may not just be because they are bored, but because they are seeking connection and comfort.

If they avoid conversation with family, they may not be rebelling, but rather protecting a fatigue they cannot put into words.

There is no need to make summer vacation just a period for children to recover for the second term.

First of all,

'Where does this child feel a little at ease?'

Why not make it a time to observe that?

Toward a society where children can return

What is needed from now on is not to seek a perfect place to belong.

It is to connect each of those places together.

Home.
School.
The community.
Cram schools or extracurricular activities.
Medical care.
Alternative schools.
Counseling offices.
And, the online world.

Instead of declaring one place as the only correct place to belong and rejecting the others, we need to consider what role each place plays in a child's heart.

A child cannot be supported within just one system.

We cannot place the responsibility solely on the home, nor can we expect everything from the school alone.

Children grow through connections with multiple people and places.

What is important is that they feel:

'Even if I cannot return to school, my connection to society is not lost.'

'Even if I cannot talk well at home, there is a place where I can seek advice.'

'Even if I am standing still right now, there is a place left for me where I can start moving again.'

It is about being able to feel these things.

A place to belong is not a place to enclose a child.

It is a place where they can safely recharge their strength until they are ready to head out into the world on their own.

Keep telling them, 'It is okay to be here.'

Where can a safe place to belong be found?

It might be school.
It might be home.
It might be a cram school or an extracurricular activity.
It might be on social media or in a game.
It might be an alternative school or a counseling office.

Or perhaps, it has not been found anywhere yet.

However, not having found a place to belong is not the same as the child having no place to belong.

As long as adults do not cut off the relationship,

'You can talk when you feel ready to talk.'

'When you feel ready to move, let's think about it together.'

'It is okay for you to be here, just as you are right now.'

Keep conveying that message.

Those words and that gaze will eventually create a place for them within the child's heart.

What a child is looking for is not a place where everything is permitted.

It is a place where, even if they show their vulnerable, lost, or struggling self, the relationship will not end.

Because there is a place to return to, people can start walking again.

What we adults must protect is not just taking children to the right place.

No matter where they stop along the way,

'There is a place here, too, where you can return.'

Isn't it about creating a society that can convey that message?

Author Profile

Hirofumi Koide
Youth Development Support Nagoya Psychological Counseling Office
Licensed Psychologist / Clinical Developmental Psychologist

I provide consultations and counseling in person, by phone, and via Zoom, focusing on issues such as school non-attendance, adolescent mental health, developmental characteristics, smartphone/game addiction, and parent-child relationships.

'I don't know if things are okay as they are.'
'It's not quite at the level of needing medical attention, but I'm a little concerned.'

Please feel free to consult with me even at such a stage.

While connecting schools, families, medical institutions, and the community, I value providing support as a 'family psychologist' where children and parents can feel at ease when they need to pause.

Consultations and Inquiries
https://nagoya-sinri.com/