Not Trying Too Hard in Private Relationships - Stopping the Struggle (Part 2) - 9

I also stopped trying too hard in my private interpersonal relationships.

After returning to society following the discovery of my HIV infection and the onset of AIDS, I cut off contact with my previous private friends and acquaintances, except for a few trusted individuals.

Even when I felt the desire to meet new people, I almost stopped going to gay bars as I had done before.

I didn't feel like seeking new encounters while hiding my illness.

The only places I personally went to meet people were meetings and study groups for organizations supporting people living with HIV.
This was because they always created a safe space there, and the participants agreed to that as well.

There, I could consult about things I didn't understand or was concerned about, ranging from knowledge about HIV and public support to daily life, romance, and sex.
Being able to talk with other HIV-positive people at that support group based on our respective experiences and gaining correct knowledge, I believe, liberated me from despair and isolation.

Regarding interpersonal relationships as well, this support group regularly held study sessions on communication.
Even in meetings, if a consultation regarding communication came up from a participant, we could hear personal experiences from other participants present, such as 'In my case, it was like this, I did this.'

Regarding HIV, progress has been made in the treatment of the disease, and I think concerns about treatment have been significantly reduced.

However, prejudice still remains in society, acting as a brake on the actions and psychology of HIV-positive people.
In relationships at work, with friends, family, at hospitals, or at government offices, we sometimes receive questions that are difficult to answer, or we may even feel hurt or angry at casual remarks.
That is how strongly we, as HIV-positive people, tend to feel the pressure of prejudice.

Also, among the causes of infection, there are cases where people become infected because they had sex without a condom because they could not say 'No.'

This organization taught me how to face people with a firm will of my own, and how to deal with situations when I have trouble communicating, including legal or ethical perspectives.

For me, participating in this support group gave me the knowledge and strength to avoid self-denial and guilt, as I chose a 'way of life without trying too hard' and decided to cherish my body and mind and live in my own way.

Thanks to the interactions and learning at such support groups, I regained my health and mental stability, and I was able to come out as HIV-positive to trusted friends whenever I found the opportunity.

I do not necessarily recommend coming out regarding sexuality or this infection.
This is because coming out also imposes a mental burden on the other person.
At the same time, it also forces that person to face their own thoughts and tolerance.

When I came out, I did so while confirming how I should talk to the other person, how to answer their questions, and how to be considerate.

For my part, I chose people whom I felt would accept my story and with whom I could continue a lasting friendship.
That is precisely why I also viewed them as trusted people, and I thought that no matter what reaction they had, I would not resent them or regret it.

That is why I can still interact with them as before, and I feel happy when I think of their existence.
I want to continue to value meeting such people, and I want to be that kind of person myself.

Rather than the number of people, I want to cherish each individual, and live in my own way while cherishing that time and that moment.

More than 10 years after the discovery of my HIV infection, I am grateful that I am able to write about my way of thinking like this, thanks to the warm involvement of support groups and senior HIV-positive people.

Human relationships differ depending on the environment, position, and the people involved.
What I have written here is what I have experienced, so it may not necessarily suit the person reading this document.
However, I have written what I have come to understand as the current me, having continued the 'way of life without trying too hard' that I chose for over 10 years, sometimes losing sight of it, and being swayed by environments and events.

The 'way of life without trying too hard' that I chose is not about living a lazy and selfish life.
It is an attitude of pursuing my own happy way of being from a medium- to long-term perspective, without just chasing immediate desires or being bound by the arbitrary values of third parties or society.

To do that, I believe I must not forget that I am a member of this world and a life living in this universe, connected to the outside of myself.

I believe that I am influenced not only by the people in front of me, but also by people, nature, and events all over the world, and that I am also connected to you who have looked at this text.