3 Steps to Help Someone Who Says 'I Have No Confidence'

I have listed the methods I often use for people who say, 'I have no confidence...'

Ineffective methods

It is tempting to give advice like, 'It's okay, you can do this and you can do that,' but it is almost entirely ineffective. In fact, since you are directly contradicting the person who says they 'have no confidence,' the conversation itself often fails to go well.

The other person has gone out of their way to share their weakness because they want you to accept that vulnerable side of them. Therefore, first, simply accept them by saying, 'I see, so you don't have confidence...'

1. What is the impact of having no confidence?

After accepting them, try asking, 'What kind of impact does having no confidence have on you?' If they bring up specific issues, such as 'I can't speak well in meetings,' 'I don't see results even when I start studying,' or 'My work is slow and it's causing trouble for those around me,' then shift the conversation to those specific concerns.

By replacing the issue with a concrete task, you can avoid dealing with abstract problems that are difficult to handle, such as the state of 'having no confidence' or the underlying personal weaknesses. As a result, if that task can be solved, it might lead to confidence. Even if the problem-solving doesn't go perfectly on the first try, it is far more meaningful than rambling on about 'lack of confidence.'

2. Since when did you lose your confidence?

Unfortunately, if you fail to transition to a concrete task, there is absolutely no need to feel disappointed. Please have confidence in yourself.

Since no one is born without confidence, try asking, 'Since when did you lose your confidence?' By doing so, they will tell you about past episodes, which allows them to objectively compare their 'state of having had confidence in the past' with their 'current state of having no confidence.'

If they can gain an insight from that, then that is great. Even if they don't gain an insight, there will be some who feel somewhat relieved after finishing talking about the trigger that caused them to lose their past self.

3. Is there anything you are helped by because you have no confidence?

Even if you fail to hear about their past episodes, it is still too early to lose your own confidence.

Try asking, 'If there is anything you are helped by because you have no confidence, what would it be?' If the person is taking this seriously, they will think for a few seconds to a few dozen seconds. Wait patiently until the words come from them.

If they say things like, 'Because I have no confidence, I take the safer route,' or 'Because I have no confidence, I am able to be kind to people who are similar to me,' then accept it by saying, 'I see, so there are things you are helped by because of your lack of confidence...'

Since the 'lack of confidence' has already been transformed into something meaningful, you can continue the conversation by saying, 'Tell me more,' or 'Thinking about it that way, is there anything else you want to talk about?'

If it still doesn't go well

If you try these steps 1 through 3 and it still doesn't go well, it would be easy to lose your own confidence.

Perhaps in those moments, the other person might be in a state where they want to depend on those around them.

At such times, if both of you nurture the emotion of 'lack of confidence,' that emotion will grow, and there is a possibility that both the person and the listener will head in an undesirable direction.

Therefore, I think it is a good idea to wrap things up for now by saying something like, 'It seems I wasn't able to be of much help. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.' (Of course, if the person is extremely depressed due to some unfortunate event, I think that would be a different story...)

Summary

For those who lack confidence, I introduced three approaches: 1) having them look at the impact their lack of confidence has, 2) having them compare their current state to a time when they did have confidence, and 3) changing their perspective on their state of lacking confidence.

While this certainly cannot replace professional coaching or counseling, I have introduced these as simple ways that anyone can use to address the 'lack of confidence' that is so common in everyday life.