A Formula for Increasing Self-Acceptance
In this article, I will introduce a formula that, once known, naturally improves self-acceptance. This formula is quoted from Shunsaku Noda's book, 'Personality Can Be Changed'.
A world that tells us to have high ideals and goals
We spend our lives being told at home, at school, and at work to 'have high ideals and goals.' It is fine as long as those goals are within reach, but eventually, we start setting goals so high that they become unattainable.
After spending years like this, it becomes normal to be a 'self that cannot achieve goals,' and our senses become numbed. We stop questioning why we must continue to aim for heights that we can never reach.
Eventually, we start to think that perhaps we are no good because we haven't reached our ideals. 'Personality Can Be Changed' (Shunsaku Noda) suggests that this may be the starting point for a lack of self-acceptance.
(Ideal Self) - (Real Self) = ?
The following is what the book says about this formula.
Well, I personally believe that life goals are actually a lie. If you think about such things, you cannot be happy. If you set up an ideal self and then subtract your real self from that ideal to grade yourself, you will only feel miserable. There is no such thing as an ideal self anywhere. Except in your own head, that is. You should forget about such a person as soon as possible.
I see. Since the state of our real self does not change, the further away our ideal 'must-be' self is, the more we perceive ourselves as being in a miserable state.
On the other hand, the author does not say that discarding ideals is the right thing to do. He states that having ideals is a tool, and that it is not a problem as long as one is clearly assessing reality. The following is the relevant passage.
Ideals are our tools; we are not the tools of our ideals. I am not saying to discard ideals. I am only saying not to take them seriously. If you clearly distinguish between what is reality and what is fantasy, having ideals as fantasies is a wonderful thing. Therefore, self-acceptance is not about discarding ideals, but about distinguishing between reality and fantasy, and learning to like your real self before your fantasies.
How to increase self-acceptance
Thinking about it this way, as long as you are chasing an ideal (fantasy) self, feelings of inferiority will only accumulate, and self-acceptance will not easily improve. The author explains that the first step to self-acceptance is to accept your current, imperfect self, rather than an ideal self.
The only thing that exists is this 'me' right here, right now. If I don't learn to like this 'me,' no one else will like me either. Only those who can say 'my dear self' can be told 'my dear you' by others, and only they have the right to say 'my dear you' to others. First, no matter what, you must learn to like yourself as you are. Everything starts from there. For that purpose, ideas like self-ideals or life goals are just obstacles.
It is also written that it is important to decide to make do with who you are now.
As long as you are asking the question, 'How can I replace this self with an ideal self?', you will never get the right answer. You must ask, 'How can I use this self to live as well as possible?'
Summary
I introduced Shunsaku Noda's theory that the cause of difficulty in self-acceptance lies in comparing one's ideal self with one's current self, which leads to feelings of inferiority and misery.
The important point here is not to force a comparison between your ideal and real self, but to first accept your real self. Specifically, how about keeping the following actions in mind?
Acknowledge your small daily achievements.
Use your ideals as a tool, and do not chase them obsessively.
Develop the habit of speaking kindly to yourself.
I have read several books on self-acceptance, and I feel that this explanation is the simplest and most convincing.