5 Steps to Active Listening Anyone Can Do

I often hear people say, "Active listening is difficult" or "There are so many techniques that I get confused."

However, if you master simple active listening skills that anyone can do, the quality of your communication will improve significantly. Here, I will introduce five steps that combine "simplicity" and "reproducibility," which I practice in my own coaching and 1-on-1 sessions.

1. Clarify the purpose of active listening

By clarifying the purpose of "active listening" for each individual conversation, you can prepare your mindset as a listener. For example:

• You want to empathize and make the speaker feel at ease

• You want to understand the speaker's background and move the dialogue forward through suggestions or exchanging opinions

• You want to deeply understand the other person's values or reasons

The purpose changes depending on the background and circumstances of the conversation, but in any case, there is a common goal of "creating an atmosphere where the speaker feels comfortable talking" and "properly accepting what the other person says."

2. The listener should relax themselves

If the listener is restless and not calm, the speaker will also find it difficult to be calm. It is often said that "the speaker should be prioritized in important conversations," but at the same time, it is important to create an environment where the listener can also relax.

• Are your sitting posture and facial expression natural?

  • Some people feel more relaxed sitting deeply, while others find it easier to concentrate with their back straight; everyone is different

• Is your relaxed expression being conveyed to the other person?

  • A serious look is fine, or you can slightly raise the corners of your mouth, but either way, "natural" is the key

3. Keep your gaze relaxed and take in the whole speaker

Many people feel it is difficult to talk when they are stared at intently. On the other hand, if you don't make eye contact at all, they might feel anxious, wondering, "Are you listening?"

• While sending a moderate amount of eye contact, pay attention to their face and gestures as well

  • Sometimes look vaguely at their nose or mouth area

  • If the speaker is looking up and thinking, the listener should also direct their gaze there

• It is important to have a "relaxed gaze"

  • Avoid intense, fixed staring

  • Pay attention to gestures and link them to the content of the conversation

4. Simple backchanneling that doesn't interrupt the speaker

While techniques like "parroting" and "summarizing to confirm understanding" can be effective, doing them too frequently can disrupt the speaker's pace. It is best to start by keeping your backchanneling simple.

• Modest volume & natural backchanneling

  • Use phrases you normally use when you are relaxed, such as "I see," "Hmm," or "Is that so?"

• Use parroting only at key points

  • Pick up keywords briefly (e.g., "So, about [Name]...")

  • When the conversation reaches a natural break, briefly summarize by saying things like "So that's what happened" or "That's what you're thinking."

• Do not force yourself to summarize

  • If the listener thinks too much about "how to summarize next," it drains their concentration and prevents them from relaxing.

  • The speaker does not always want you to summarize, either.

5. Visualize the content of the conversation in your mind

　By visualizing the speaker's content in your brain, you become less likely to get caught up in judgments or distractions. Furthermore, it has the benefit of making it easier to understand the other person's situation.

The relationship between Emotion → Thought → Action (verbal/non-verbal expression)

• Emotion

  • When a listener listens to the speaker's story, emotions arise regardless of whether they are positive or negative.

• Thought

  • Influenced by emotions, judgments are easily formed, such as "This person's way of thinking is strange" or "If it were me, I would do this..."

• Action

  • When judgments intensify, the listener's tone of voice and facial expressions change, which risks making the other person feel like they are not being heard.

Benefits of visualization

• Use your brain's processing power for "visualization"

  • By picturing specific scenes, you reduce the capacity to judge and naturally enter listening mode

• Asking questions is smoother if there is a lack of understanding

  • You can naturally confirm details, such as "Where did that trouble happen?" or "Who were you with?"

• Emotions are easier to share

  • Through visual imagery, it becomes easier to empathize with the situation the speaker is in

Summary

　We have introduced the points of active listening that anyone can do, divided into 5 steps.

1. Clarify the purpose of listening

2. The listener should relax themselves

3. Keep your gaze relaxed and take in the speaker as a whole

4. Use simple backchanneling that does not interrupt the speaker

5. Visualize the content of the conversation in your mind

At first, you might find the visualization in step (5) a bit difficult, but once you get used to it, the act of "listening" itself should become enjoyable. Half of any dialogue is "listening time." Please incorporate these five steps and enjoy the comfort of active listening.

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