"I can't do anything." The words asked of me in the silent examination room.
The doctor's gentle question, and my true feelings that came pouring out
The person who welcomed me in the examination room was a female doctor slightly older than me.
※I apologize, I don't remember her name, but I do remember her face.
“Father. Is there anything about your child's development that concerns you?”
As if prompted by that gentle voice, the "sense of unease" that had been building up inside me came pouring out like a dam breaking.
They don't really make eye contact🥲
Even when I call their name, they basically don't turn around🥲
They don't point at things, nor do they imitate others🥲
They don't seem to care at all even if we aren't there...🥲
Even when other children of the same age are around, they don't care and stay in their own world the whole time🥲
And as for meaningful speech, for now...💧
The doctor listened quietly to each and every one of those things. And she empathized gently with each one. Honestly, I remember that just that alone made me feel much more at ease😌
The cruel "lack of response"
“Let's try a test for now.” The developmental test that began with those words...
Yes. Honestly, I pretty much knew the results. But it's also true that there was a part of me that was holding onto the hope that "maybe, just a little bit..."
Building blocks: There's no way she's going to stack them. It's just repeating holding them in her hand and tossing them... (For some reason, she's been super good at throwing things since around this time😂)
"Which one is the doggy?": The question just passed by my daughter's ears and vanished... I mean, maybe for my daughter, it's at the level of "What's a doggy?" and "What do you want from me?"
"Can you move it over here?": My daughter is just immersed in her own world... I don't think anyone is even in her field of vision anymore, lol
I can't do anything.
I had that faint hope that since we practiced so much, she could at least do the building blocks...🥲
The time during the examination, where it felt like an "X" was being marked on every single item, felt like an eternity😞
The doctor quietly opens her mouth
After finishing the series of tests, an indescribable atmosphere filled the room.
(Perhaps that's just my own impression, and in reality, no such atmosphere existed, haha.)
My daughter, as always, had no idea of my inner conflict and was wandering around at her own pace...
The doctor finished the examination and quietly opened his mouth...
"Father, is raising a child fun?"
(To be continued in the next installment: "The Doctor's Words" and "Memories of the Way Home")
#18monthcheckup #AutismSpectrumDisorder #DevelopmentalDisability #ParentingDiary #DadParenting #42yearolddad #MemoriesOfThatDay #SevereIntellectualDisability