The Me Who Is Called 'Tough'

"You're tough."
"You've got a lot of stamina, don't you?"
I am often told this at work.

My job isn't desk work; it's a job that requires physical movement.
It's the people I work with who say that to me.

...Is that so??
I have never thought of myself as tough, nor have I ever thought I had much stamina.

Because if I run, I'm out of breath in ten seconds.
No joke. Seriously.

Besides, I have the impression that "tough people" are stricter with themselves. That's just my own assumption, though.
In contrast, I am easy on myself. Too easy.
I might even be self-sufficient in sugar.

And yet, why am I called "tough"?

I think it's probably because it doesn't show on my face.
Of course, there are times when I get tired.
But I don't think I show the feeling of "being tired" on my face.

A junior colleague once asked me, "Don't you get tired?"
I've also been told, "You have a poker face." Well, that was in a half-joking atmosphere, though.

On the other hand, it's a mystery to me that people close to me say, "Your feelings show on your face right away."
Apparently, my mood and emotions are immediately visible.
Why? That's just too childish.

I'm not good at showing people the side of me that's working hard.
The way I work hard, the expression I have when I'm working hard.
I like seeing other people working hard.
But I feel like I unconsciously hide the side of myself that is working hard.

Back in my student days, I hated "self-study" time.
I couldn't study in places where people could see me.
Even though I would do it at home.
...Maybe I liked the idea of "effort in the shadows."

That said, it is offensive—no, unpleasant—to be told by others that I have "no motivation" or am "not trying hard."
I'm a handful, even to myself.
Even though I'm the one acting in a way that makes people think that.

When I think about it carefully, there are parts of me where I think, "Maybe I don't get tired as easily as I thought."
I don't have physical stamina (like endurance).
I'm aware that I basically lead a very indulgent life, but maybe I have a tough side when it comes to things I'm serious about.

When it comes to things I truly want to do or have decided to do, I might be quite tough.
I'll do them even if it means cutting back on sleep or packing my schedule.
I've never given up on something because of reasons like "I have school" or "I have work."
Because I hate making excuses for not being able to do something I genuinely want to do.

I don't particularly want to do my current job, but I have at least enough motivation to think, "Let's do this," so I suppose I naturally take on a somewhat tough demeanor.

Conversely, it's a flaw that I can't get myself moving at all when I'm trying to force myself to do something while thinking, "I don't want to do this." I know that.
Once I genuinely think, "I don't want to do this," even if I'm passionately talking about my motivation, my true feelings easily leak out.
Even though that's something that shows on my face for anyone to see...

And so, my "mysteries" continue to grow.

One reason for my current job is that it allows me to keep "conversation," which is a weak point of mine, to a minimum.
"Conversation" is tiring. It drains energy.
The fact that I can keep it to a minimum is something I'm very grateful for.
Because on days when I talk a lot with others, I get tired enough to sleep for over ten hours without a problem.
When I feel "tired" at work, I usually look back and realize it was a day where I had to be careful about this "conversation."

In any case, I don't feel bad about being called "tough."
Looking back at myself like this, I've even started to feel that maybe I am tougher than I thought...
Thinking that way gives me a little bit of confidence in myself.
It's also important to believe in the evaluations of others.

Just because I can't run, I'll stop convincing myself that "I have no stamina..."

Today, too, I will go to work with a cool face.

I'll try not to worry about whether people close to me are thinking, "She's pretending that work is a breeze again..."

The end