I was too hard on myself
Recently, I have finally been able to
look at my own feelings a little more directly.
And, at a time like this, it suddenly occurred to me.
How hard have I been on myself?
Whenever something happens in life that shakes my emotions deeply,
I always, without fail,
think, "What was wrong with me?"
Even if something completely unreasonable happens,
I think, "Maybe I had some faults too."
Without realizing it, I have been
blaming myself.
When did I become so hard on myself?
"I have to do my best," "I have to be strong."
Perhaps it started back when I became a single mother.
I had to raise my two sons without relying on anyone.
Shouldering the roles of both a father and a mother, I lived
with a constant sense of tension.
"I have to be strong."
"I have to do my best."
That is how I kept myself going, just running forward blindly.
Looking back, even when I got divorced,
"It wasn't just the other person's fault."
That is what I thought.
I felt I was the one who couldn't support my ex-husband when his heart was weak.
Maybe there was something lacking in me, too.
Perhaps I had been unconsciously blaming myself all along.
I always put my own pain on the back burner
But I feel like there are many people in the world like me.
People who, whenever something happens, blame themselves first.
I have to be strong.
I have to do my best.
I have to keep looking forward.
People who cover up their own wounds and pain, putting them on the back burner.
That might be why, in a sudden moment, for no reason,
I sometimes cannot stop my tears.
Those tears were surely from another part of myself,
"It's okay to admit it hurts."
"You don't have to carry it all alone anymore."
"You've worked so hard."
They might have been tears telling me those things.
From now on,
I want to make myself happy
Until now, I have overcome many fierce storms.
And now, my sons are also walking their own paths in life.
So, I don't have to be so tense and
push myself so hard anymore.
I was too hard on myself.
So from now on, instead of aiming for a perfect score,
I want to spoil myself a little bit,
and before anyone else, I want to make
myself happy.
Thank you for reading.
I appreciate your likes and comments 😊🌸