Analysis: The lives of wounded people diverge based on the direction of their anger

Watching the Netflix series 'Hellbound' gave me a strange feeling.

It is not that I admired the person Kazuko Hosoki.

But as I watched the drama, I thought about it many times.

If the target of my anger had been different, perhaps I could have ended up like this too.

That was the feeling I had.

■ The common starting point was irrationality

While watching this drama, I thought many times, 'This is not someone else's problem.'

Of course, the era and environment in which we lived are different.

Even so,

the scenery at the starting point of life somehow seemed to overlap with my own.

Hardships in childhood.

Being used by adults precisely because I was innocent.

Being deceived by men.

Carrying debt.

Being caught up in the irrationality of society and the greed of others.

'Why do I have to go through something like this?'

I felt a strange sense of commonality in the time I spent living with such questions.
I felt a strange sense of commonality.

What left a particularly strong impression on me was how the family was depicted.

Kazuko Hosoki's mother was portrayed as a woman who endured great hardship, raising her children single-handedly amidst the chaos of the post-war period.

There were moments where she appeared to be worrying about and supporting her daughter, so she was by no means depicted as a bad mother.

However, at the same time, there were many scenes where she would interject every time Kazuko made a decision, intruding into her life.

That sense of distance reminded me of my own mother.

It was not out of malice.

But she also could not trust her daughter as an individual and leave things to her.

I felt a sense of déjà vu regarding that suffocating feeling.
I felt a sense of déjà vu.

And the relationship with her siblings also stayed with me.

While Kazuko was earning money and supporting the family, they would enjoy the benefits.

However, once their dissatisfaction piled up, they would suddenly turn around and become the ones blaming Kazuko.

Of course, Kazuko herself likely had her own issues.

But to me, it appeared that her family was also dependent on her, and while they received benefits within that relationship, they shifted all the responsibility onto her alone the moment the relationship fell apart.

That dynamic looked just like my own family relationships.

Until now, I have never been able to think of family as an entity that is unconditionally on your side.

They rely on you when they need to, and blame you when it becomes inconvenient for them.

Because I grew up in that kind of relationship.

That is why my eyes were drawn not to the strong woman the public saw as "Kazuko Hosoki," but to the person deep inside who was an isolated individual understood by no one—I felt strongly drawn to her.

■ That is where we diverged

But, what came after was different.

The Kazuko Hosoki in "You're Going to Hell" was,

"If that's the case, I'll devour this whole world."

With that kind of momentum, she directed her anger outward.

The anger of being hurt.

The anger of being robbed.

The anger of being looked down upon.

A life that had been unreasonably trampled upon,

and the obsession that "I won't let it end like this."

Using that anger as a weapon, she climbed her way to the top over others.

I believe she was someone who lived with anger as her fuel.

On the other hand, I was the opposite.

I could not direct my anger outward.

Even when something unreasonable happens,

"Isn't it my fault?"

"Isn't it that I'm not trying hard enough?"

"If I just work harder, they will surely understand."

That is how I always looked for the
cause within myself.

Instead of blaming others, I blamed myself.

Instead of hurting others, I wore myself down.

Before I knew it, that way of living had become second nature.

That is why I couldn't get angry even when people took advantage of me.
Even when I was deceived, I blamed myself.

Even when I was hurt,
I tried to convince myself that "it was my fault."

It wasn't that I was a person who didn't feel anger.
I hadn't even allowed myself to feel it.

That is why I think.

It is not a matter of which one is correct.

People who direct their anger outward. People who direct their anger inward.

Perhaps that was the only difference.

Both are methods acquired to survive.

However, that method significantly diverged the path of my life thereafter.

■ I felt like I was looking at my future self

In the past, I didn't like a person named Kazuko Hosoki.

When I was a child, she was just a strong-willed and scary person.

That was the only image I had of her.

But watching the drama this time, I realized something.

What I was looking at was
not just a "scary person."

It was a longing to "have wanted to live strongly like this"

And a fear that "if I made one mistake, I might end up like this too"

It was both of those things.

If I had directed my anger outward.

If I had chosen a way of life where I protected myself by hurting others before I got hurt.

My life might have looked like a different landscape.

And,
lately, I have been gradually regaining my sense of self.

I have acknowledged the anger I had suppressed until now,
learned to say "I don't like this,"
and have also become able to set my own boundaries.

That is recovery.

But at the same time, it is also a period where I am dealing with the emotion of anger properly for the first time.

That is why I became a little scared.

What if I turned this anger into a force to hurt someone?

What if I started brandishing righteousness and cutting others off to protect myself?

Perhaps the scenery that lies ahead is one that overlaps with Kazuko Hosoki in the drama.

It felt as if I were being shown such a future.

Therefore, the lesson I took away was,

not to deny anger, but not to be consumed by it.

That was what remained most strongly in my heart after watching this work.

■ In conclusion

What I empathized with was not the Kazuko Hosoki seen on TV, nor the successful Kazuko Hosoki.

It was a young girl who was hurt, tossed about by the unreasonable, and yet struggling desperately to survive.

And the way of life that girl chose was also a great
lesson for me.

Anger is,

• a great force

• it can move people

• it can influence society

Sometimes, that anger can even become the driving force that carves out a life.

But because that power is too strong, it doesn't just burn the other person; it
burns yourself as well.

I felt like I saw that in the life of Kazuko Hosoki.

Therefore, I do not mean to deny anger.

There were moments when I was able to protect myself precisely because I had anger.

There were also times when I was able to call out injustice as "wrong" precisely because I had anger.

But I do not want to live my life using only anger as fuel.

What I aim for is not a life of winning against others, nor a life of proving others wrong.

It is a life where I accept my unreasonable past, my sadness, my wounds, and my regrets as part of my own life, and live authentically on top of that.

Without denying the past, without being consumed by anger, I want to embrace those experiences and move forward.

I want to choose that way of living.

That was the lesson I received most strongly from watching this work.