Is Self-Esteem the Secret to Beauty? 82 Books Read in February <Fixed-Point Observation of Reading>

When I read many books on the same theme, I consider the points that appear in multiple books to be the "essence" of that theme.
I read a dizzying number of books in February. 82 of them. The fact that I had a period of heavy reading early on, and that themes like "fashion" and "makeup" contain many photos and diagrams, allowed me to read through them quickly in one go.

At first, I was focusing on "techniques." However, the ones I read in the latter half felt more like "self-help books for beauty."

Of the books I read this February, those I didn't borrow from the library were e-books, not paper. Books I purchased, re-reads of books I bought in the past, and Kindle Unlimited...

As I continued reading, the unread books recommended to me changed.
I realized this as I kept digging deeper into them.

It was that there is a keyword common to many of the books.

These two keep coming up no matter what.
At first, I had the impression that "you can't become beautiful just by your feelings."
However, the more I read, the more they appeared.

In terms of context, this is the image.

I also read books from 10 to 20 years ago, but these themes were not very prominent there.
It was a trend that became more visible in more recent books.

Certainly, in recent years, there has been an increase in makeup styles like "making the most of your natural features" or "making it look like you were beautiful to begin with."
I felt that these two concepts are likely involved there as well.

However, as I have written before, I have been told my whole life that I am "plain," so I cannot just be told to "learn to love your face" and suddenly start loving it.

This is a story I have written about many times before.
There are still plenty more episodes I could share.

For example, when I was in the second year of junior high school, we were given an assignment in class to 'draw a self-portrait at age twenty'.

I looked at the mirror I was given and, on the face I had drawn, I lightly applied makeup with paint. I used eyeshadow to deepen my features. I drew eyeliner along the edges of my eyes. I made my eyebrows a little thinner. In reality, I wouldn't know how to do it and would be afraid of failing, but in a painting, I could.

Then, the teacher who came around burst out laughing.

'Why are you beautifying yourself? There's no way you could ever become a beauty like this. Draw yourself as you are.'

It's true that my desires might have been reflected in it. But was it necessary to be told that much?

I had almost no interaction with that teacher. Yet, for some reason, he was strangely cold toward me.

On another occasion, we each had to take turns modeling for a drawing, and the pose I was made to do was like a bodybuilder's. None of the other girls were made to do such a strange pose.

I was taken to the center as if to be highlighted. When I said I was too embarrassed to do it, the teacher touched my arms and shaped me into that pose. The sound of snickering echoed around me.

I held back tears while the class's gaze pierced through me—I still cannot forget that moment.

For a long time in my life, I was treated as someone who could be treated in such a way.

That is precisely why, if the secret to beauty is self-esteem, a fear crossed my mind that perhaps I might never be able to possess it.

Of course, there are makeup, fashion, and hairstyles as tools to make oneself look beautiful, and I want to continue researching those, but...

At the end of February, I will face 'beauty and self-esteem' once again.

Even if I'm told to love myself, it's just impossible.
I can only think of experiences where I was mocked by someone, just like I wrote above.

However, while I was feeling uneasy like that, I suddenly had a thought.

I have a huge collection of "moments when I was belittled" inside me.
So, I started to think that maybe I should cherish the "experiences where someone complimented me" instead. Enough to overwrite my collection of being belittled.

I have a mom friend who always tells me, "Ricchan, you're cute," every time we meet.

While I thought it was just flattery, I had almost never been told I was cute even as flattery, so it was more than enough to make me happy, but...

One day, that mom friend said something like this.

"I love looking at beautiful people. At kindergarten, it's you, Ricchan, and [Name]'s mom. Both of you are beautiful. I love your faces."

I might have been told for the first time in my life that someone loves my face.

And that felt somehow more genuine than just being told I was "cute," and it made me hundreds of times happier.
Because "I love your face" is subjective.

I might not be able to become a beauty by general standards.
However, if someone thinks of me that way, it made me feel like I want to try harder with my makeup.

Even if it is difficult for me to like myself, perhaps if I can always keep in my heart the kind of words someone gave me that make my heart feel warm and fuzzy, my self-affirmation might grow.

That is what I thought in February.