Having a disability is not your parents' fault

This is my third year of receiving counseling

I am aiming to become a counselor

My name is Rin Koshiba

To those meeting me for the first time

And to those who always read my articles

Thank you for finding your way to my article

Thank you so much💕

Today,

might be a slightly deep topic

but for those who need it

I hope this story will make your heart feel lighter😌💓

My youngest child was diagnosed as being on the borderline of developmental disabilities.

I was blessed with three children and gave birth to them.

It just so happened that my youngest was that way.

At first, it was just something trivial.

Is it a bit difficult to raise?

The night crying is severe

They fuss if I don't hold them all the time

But, if this had been my first child,

I might not have even felt that anything was wrong.

"Is this just how babies are?"

That is what I thought.

My youngest child was attending daycare, but

at first, they would repeatedly get a fever after being dropped off,

and they were even hospitalized with pneumonia.

The fever might have been a coincidence, but

what left an impression on me was that their "fixations"

were very strong.

"They wouldn't be satisfied unless we arrived by a certain time"

"It had to be this specific route"

"They would only wear clothes they liked"

These were things I hadn't experienced with my older children, and at the time, I felt,

"This is such a hassle."

I felt that way.

Actually, when I got divorced,

I made the decision not to take custody of this youngest child,

but to entrust them to my ex-husband.

There were,

backgrounds and circumstances that words cannot fully express.

The desire of,

"not wanting to separate the siblings."

And,

the desire to respect the children's own wishes.

When I decided to leave home,

I spoke with each of my children individually.

The older children said they wanted to stay here,

and I respected their wishes.

My youngest child said,

"I'll go with you, Mom."

However, remembering how my youngest child,

who is extremely sensitive to changes in environment,

cried through the night for a whole week

before starting elementary school,

I made a painful decision.

"I must not pull this child away from their current stable environment."

There have been times when my children

have thrown accusatory words at me.

They might think it's my ego,

or just my own selfish convenience.

I myself have blamed myself,

and spent many sleepless nights.

But now, what has become

of that youngest child?

My youngest child, whom I worried about so much,

now energetically rides a bicycle

to high school.

Even trains and buses, which they struggled with,

they can now ride alone

when necessary.

Ignoring my parental worries of,

"Will they be okay for high school entrance exams?"

they successfully passed both

their safety-net private school

and their first-choice public high school.

Now,

they are working hard on their own

toward the next goal of university entrance exams.

I have also written about experiences with my youngest in this article as well.
Please take a look at this article too.

Back when they were 8 years old,

I was told they only had the understanding of a 5-year-old,

and I was that person who felt pessimistic about the future.

That was me back then.

I want to tell you that.

“It's okay.
Even if you are apart,
this child will be able to
walk on their own two feet” and.

Mothers raising children born with disabilities.

Or,

mothers who are living apart from their children

for some reason.

Are you blaming yourself,

saying it's your fault?

“It is not your fault.”

I am sure you have heard these words

many times before.

Even so, in a fleeting moment,

you might blame yourself,

or look at your child's future

pessimistically....

You might still be in the midst of

a suffering with no exit.

“Developmental disabilities,” which have become

quite well-known now, and

other conditions.

A disability that manifests in a visible way.

That is,

by no means anyone's fault.

To put it bluntly,

it is something that happened "by chance."

The possibility of being born with a disability

or the possibility of conceiving one

is something that humans cannot control,

a matter of the "realm known only to God,"

is it not?

Therefore, you have done nothing wrong.

No one is to blame.

Of course,

there are many lives saved through fertility treatment,

and I myself had my eldest child

through fertility treatment.

However,

even with modern medicine,

it is impossible to completely

control disabilities.

Is it really possible to select

only embryos without disabilities?

I feel that this is still

a realm beyond human reach.

Whether through fertility treatment

or natural conception,

the form in which a life is born

is something no one can control.

That is precisely why,

instead of blaming someone for what has happened,

the "capacity" to accept it

might be what is being asked of

us as parents.

You,

have done enough until today. You don't need to blame yourself anymore.

What parents can do for their children is,

perhaps,

to help them find a place where they can feel secure.

Theoretically,

parents pass away before their children.

After the parents are gone,

where is a place where the child can live with peace of mind?

Where is a place that will accept the child?

A place where the child themselves can feel satisfied,

and a path for their future life

that they can walk happily,

finding and exploring that together.

That, I believe,

is the true duty of a parent.

That is what I think.

Back then,

I lived in such anxiety and guilt, wondering, "What will happen to this child's future?" and "Was my choice wrong?"

But now, looking at my youngest child, I think this.

Children are stronger than parents think.
And they have the power to grow even when their parents are not by their side.

Of course, I think there was loneliness. I think there was anger, too. There must have been days when they screamed in their heart, "Why isn't Mom here?"

Even so, this child stood on their own two feet, walked, and kept moving forward despite stumbling.

Through three years of counseling, I became convinced of one thing.

A parent's guilt is nothing more than proof that they loved their child.

The reason you feel guilt is because you have loved your child with all your heart.

And the child has truly received that love.

Whether you are apart or together, the bond between parent and child is never broken.

In fact, it can sometimes take time to slowly
grow into a true parent-child relationship.

So, please do not blame yourself.

Everything you have done up until today
has become a source of strength for your child.

And from now on, your presence will continue to support your child.

If you are currently feeling anxious about your child,

or if you are holding onto feelings you cannot tell anyone else,

please let me listen to you quietly.

I am currently accepting email counseling.

You can apply using this form.