Holding my eldest son through his febrile delirium. It's all I can do, but even so.

Do you know what "febrile delirium" is?

Today, I will write at length about
my eldest son's febrile delirium,
the fear and anxiety,
and the realizations I've had from it!
(Just now, while he's calmed down and sleeping)

My eldest son's high fever has been continuing since yesterday.
It's only the second day of his fever, so it can't be helped, but
it looks so painful 🥺

The symptoms of febrile delirium
have occurred a total of three times between yesterday and today.

I think it was last year,
when he had a high fever just like this,

it was the first time these "febrile delirium" symptoms appeared,
and I was very scared.
Apparently, he doesn't remember any of it at all.

He looks like something is attacking him,
his eyes are unfocused and wide with fear,
he speaks words that have no connection to each other,
and he clings to me with a grip strength I've never felt before.

He suddenly tries to stand up and go somewhere,
he tries to grab things that aren't there,
and he shows me things even though he's holding nothing.
And then,
he desperately tries to dig a hole to hide something.

Every time, the symptoms vary,
and the speech, behavior, and intensity are all different.

In particular, when it comes to the timing of when it happens,
it often happens when he is sweating profusely and his high fever is about to drop sharply,
or when the fever-reducing medication takes effect and his temperature drops relatively quickly.
(It has never happened when his fever goes down gradually)

I've been scared and stopped the fever-reducing medication, but
if he eats or drinks while still having a high fever,
he vomits and becomes dehydrated,
so there have been times when we had to go for IV drips two days in a row,
which is also so sad for him...

Lowering the fever with medication
and trying to get him to eat while it's down
leads to febrile delirium... so
it has been a very difficult judgment to make 🥺

Just when I think he's sleeping quietly,
without any warning,
he suddenly starts making noise or talking,
and that state begins.

At times like that,
if I don't panic and don't deny what he's saying,
but instead go along with the conversation,
we can often have a normal conversation.
(Oh, I don't understand the meaning of the conversation at all)

Since he tries so hard to tell me to hide here,
if I hide, he's satisfied and goes back to sleep,
so I make sure not to deny him
or get flustered.
It's simply because I'm worried and scared too,
so it's also to keep myself calm.

When symptoms of fever delirium appear in the middle of the night,
my husband, who is sleeping next to him,
hugs our eldest son with all his might,
and I lean in to hug him too,
wiping his sweat and telling him it's okay,
holding his hand or stroking his hair.

Sometimes I feel scared,
and even though I feel like I might lose my composure,
I feel helpless
that all I can do is hold my eldest son
as he fights so hard against the fever.

The first time he had these symptoms,
it was so scary because it happened so many times,
I even went to the hospital
twice in a few days.

I'm grateful that they kindly told me to come in if I was worried,
and even though they examined him and found nothing wrong,

which was a relief,
I still couldn't help but worry, thinking, 'Are you sure?' 😭

Just worrying,
empathizing with how hard it is,
wishing for him to get better soon,
and holding him—

This is all I can do.

In the end, as humans, that's all we can do.
I can't even suffer through the delirium for him.

But,
I want to help. Is there anything I can do?
Is there anything you want me to do?
Thinking that I can at least do that, I desperately think,
and I just do whatever comes to mind.

I ask if he wants something to drink,
or offer to put a cold, damp hand towel on his forehead,
or ask if the blanket is too hot or too cold.

And at times like this,
I just wish he would stay alive,
is what I think.

I even reflect on why I forget
that kind of thing in my daily life 🥲

What makes my heart feel lighter
is when I have the doctor listen to me,
or the moments I can voice my anxieties
to my husband or my own parents.

It's important not to carry it all alone.

Even if I don't know the solution,
just having someone
say things like "That must be worrying,"
"That must have been scary,"
or "[Name], you're doing your best,"
is enough to
lighten the heart.

Besides,
by talking about the fact that
"these things happen,"
the person who hears it might tell someone else,
and it might help ease the heart of someone
who is feeling anxious about the same thing.

___

Not just today,
but I often think that
my posts on this note are driven by that same feeling, aren't they? ___

Like, hoping that even one person's heart feels lighter...
or hoping that even one person feels a little bit better...
that kind of thing.

At the same time,
by sharing these posts,
I'm able to organize my own thoughts
and make decisions,
which truly becomes a support for my heart.

Because there are people reading this,
I am able to keep going,
and while feeling that I am not alone,
I want to convey that you are not alone either.🌱

After all, everyone
is living life with all their might.

Thank you
so much, always.☺️

Even if
all I can do is
worry,
empathize,

and hold him,
I was reminded once again thatthat can sometimes become a great source of comfort, support, courage, and strength.

He might have symptoms again tonight,
but while keeping an eye on my eldest son,
praying for his quick recovery,
and sending him my strength,
I want to stay by his side.🌙