The Night I Almost Came to Hate Music—What Saved Me When I Couldn't Sleep

The boundary between work and life disappeared

This is a story from when I was running a studio.

It was a time when my finances were at a standstill and my personal relationships were difficult. There was a place to nap in the studio, and I would sleep there when I had work scheduled.

But I couldn't manage the transition between work and my private life.

Even when I went to bed, I could only think about work—the schedule for tomorrow, organizing today's data, contacting clients. My eyes would just get wider and wider.

I started organizing the rest of my work while drinking, thinking of it as a nightcap. But my head just became even clearer.

As I repeated that, working while drinking every night became my daily routine.

I realized I had become dependent

By the time I realized it, I was in a state where I couldn't do anything without drinking.

I would drink, pass out for a bit, wake up, drink again, and pass out again—it was a cycle.

Sleep deprivation and alcohol dependency were overlapping.

On days when I didn't have studio work, I would spend my free time at home, naturally watching videos with a drink in my hand. I didn't even have the energy to go outside.

I started avoiding music

Around that time, I had started intentionally avoiding music.

That was because listening to music would lead me back to work.

Before I knew it, I was living a life where I didn't listen to music anymore. Even though I loved it so much. I stopped playing the guitar I used to play every day. I stopped creating music for work, too.

A sound creator had drifted away from music.

Encountering sleep videos

It was then that I learned about the existence of sleep videos.

At first, it was just curiosity. I felt something like, 'Sleep music? (lol)'.

I was playing a sleep video while drinking as I usually did. Then, something different happened.

I found myself relaxing.

Even though I usually felt wide awake and could only think about work when I drank, playing the sleep video made me start thinking about the past.

The time when I was desperate to create music. The days when I worked hard studying music. Time spent with my family.

I cried and then I slept

Before I realized it, tears were streaming down my face.

After crying my heart out, I felt refreshed.

And I slept soundly.

I slept more deeply than I had in I don't know how long.

Music had saved me. The music I had been avoiding had returned to me in a different form.

Music that drifts in

I realized something from this experience.

The music you listen to changes depending on where you stand. But "music that drifts in" is different.

It's not music you choose to listen to, but music that drifts in. It pierces your emotions and feelings directly.

I want to be a presence that can place such music that drifts in near someone.

I want to create music that I can gently place near you when you are struggling through a sleepless night.

That is the reason I started retronica.