What I want you to think about before whether you can do it or not

When I'm about to start something,
I notice the same question popping up in my head.

“Can I really do this?”
“Will I be able to keep it up?”
“What if I fail?”

It’s not like someone else is saying these things to me.
I’m probably saying them to myself.

They are logical, realistic,
and I don’t think they are wrong.

But when I start thinking those words,
for some reason, my body stops.
I felt a sense of exhaustion before I even took the first step.

In truth,
I felt there was something I could think about
before those questions.

“What do I want to do?”

Can I do it, or can't I?
Am I suited for it, or am I not?
While I was lining up conditions like that,
the feeling of “whether I want to do it or not”
was always being pushed to the back.

Born with a heart condition,
ever since I was a child,
I have heard the words
“You shouldn't push yourself”

many times.
I think that was correct.

I also think it was meant to protect me.
But at the same time,

somewhere in my heart, I also had these feelings.
“I want to decide for myself whether to do it or not.”“I don't want to let others' judgments be the final word on whether it's too much.”


I might not be able to do it.
I might quit halfway through.
My body might reach its limit first.

I knew that better than anyone.
Even so,
trying it and turning back,
and not being allowed to choose from the start,

were completely different things to me.
The world
tends to talk in terms of
“can do / cannot do,”
but in reality, there are

many choices in between.
You don't have to give it your all.
You can take a break in the middle.

You can get involved in a different way.
Whether to do it,
and whether to continue,

you were allowed to re-decide each time.
The act of “choosing”

doesn't have to be a one-time thing.
Looking back,
there are choices that didn't work out.

There are times I thought I shouldn't have done it.
Even so,“I chose this myself”
—that feeling alone

never faded.
More than whether I succeeded,
more than whether it was the right answer,
I feel that that sense

has supported me for a long time.
Even now, I get lost.
It's not that the fear has disappeared.

The anxiety is definitely there, too.
Even so, in the end,
what I ask myself
is not “can I do it,”but “is this what I want to do?”

If you are currently
hesitating,
thinking “can I do it?”
or “maybe it's too much.”

You don't have to come up with an answer right away.
You don't have to decide to keep going.

Just once,
“What do I want to do?”I want you to ask yourself that.
It's not too late

to decide whether you can do it later.
The act of choosing itself

will surely
quietly support you from here on out.

|Aki Reikawa