When looking for a job, I think about 'whether I can do it' first

When looking for a job,
before thinking about 'whether I want to do it',
I think about 'whether I can do it'.

I can't explain it well,
but I think there are people for whom that order has become the norm.

While going to the public employment office,
or looking at job sites,

I think about what kind of work I would be able to do.

I do have a desire to try things.
But before that, my physical condition always comes to mind.

I was born with a heart condition.

My physical strength fluctuates,
and there are days when I can't do what I could do yesterday.

That is why,thinking about 'whether I can do it' first
was also a way to protect myself.

Torn between employment for people with disabilities and general employment

If it's employment for people with disabilities, I can feel a little more at ease.

Because there are accommodations,
and there is a possibility that I can work without pushing myself too hard.

But on the other hand,

when I think about my salary and my future life,
I also think, 'Wouldn't it be better to work in a general position?'

Whichever I choose,
I felt like I was letting something go.

The desire to feel secure and the feeling of self-reproach

To be honest,

when something happens,
I had a part of me that wanted to be in a situation
where I could feel at least a little secure, both for the company and for myself.

I also thought that an environment where I don't have to push myself too hard,
or a situation where things are understood in advance,
would be easier to continue in the long run.

But right after that, another voice comes up.

Will I be able to keep going like this?
What about my life with my family?

Both were my honest feelings, and
neither could be easily dismissed.

The slight sense of discomfort after telling them

In interviews, I have
always made sure to tell them about my physical condition.

The option of not saying anything
never existed for me.

However, the atmosphere sometimes changes slightly after I tell them.

It's not something I can clearly identify.
But there are moments when the conversation becomes somewhat formal,

and at those times, I somehow feel it.

Ah, it might be over here, I think.

Even though the interview is continuing,
I have the feeling that it's already over for me.

I have to tell them.
But it might be over because I told them.

I never got used to that fear, no matter how many times I experienced it.

Even so, the times I was accepted

Of course,
there were times I was accepted.

After telling them about my illness,
they still said they wanted to work with me.

At those times, I was just happy.

Truly, that alone was enough.

I still haven't found the answer

This is a story from when I was looking for a job.

Now, I am not
continuing to look for a job like I was back then.

I have stopped once,
and I am in the process of re-evaluating how I work itself.

However,

The hesitation and anxiety I felt back then have not,
simply come to a clean end.

Is employment for people with disabilities better,
or is working in a general position better?

How much I should disclose is also,
honestly, something I still don't know for sure.

Although the form has changed,
I feel that the act of continuing to think about it hasn't changed much.

But now,
I think it's okay not to decide in a rush.

I've come to be able to think that way, but,
in sudden moments,
there are days when I feel anxious, wondering, 'Is it okay to stay like this?'

Both my health and my life,
are important, which is why,
I don't think it's something I can easily find an answer to.

Even so, what I believe is

that there is surely a place somewhere that will accept me.

Experiences that make me think so,
have also been increasing little by little.

The answer has not come out yet.

What I will do from here on,
honestly, I haven't been able to decide clearly.

However,

rather than forcing myself to choose one or the other,
I want to find a way to choose that doesn't push my current self too hardis what I think.

The part of me that thinks about whether I can do it,
and the part of me that wants to try,
I feel like I don't have to erase either of them.

Perhaps I have no choice but to keep holding onto them as they are,
and make choices little by little.

If there is time spent thinking,
while standing still in the same way.

I believe that time is surely not wasted.

I feel that there is a form,
that doesn't need to be rushed, somewhere.

|Aki Reikawa