Instead of "letting go," just "setting aside"
Lately, whenever I post on social media or my blog,
I find myself thinking,
It's embarrassing, but to be honest,
I find it hard to let go of the desire
to be praised and recognized.
Whether it's due to long-standing feelings of emptiness
or various other things, this is my true feeling.
I think it's amazing to be able to write things that help others,
and I wish I could be like that too,
but for now, it doesn't seem like I can.
But I seriously wondered,
is this desire for approval
really impossible to let go of?
And then, one idea came to mind:
what if I did the opposite of "letting go"?
It might sound strange, but hear me out.
The more I pressure myself by saying,
"I want to let go, I must let go,"
the more I end up obsessing over letting go,
I suddenly thought.
It's paradoxical to obsess over wanting to let go,
but I think that's actually the case.
The opposite of "letting go" is "keeping it at hand."
I thought maybe I could just set it aside for now.
Decide that it's okay not to force myself to get rid of it.
Just "set it aside."
It's like what they call in decluttering
a "temporary storage box."
A box where you put things on hold
when you can't decide whether to throw them away or keep them.
When that feeling comes up again,
I'll just put it in the box for now.
Not throwing it away, not taking it out.
It's like what's known as "shelving it."
I'll put it in the box and decide it's "okay to leave it there."
But just leave it in there. Let it be. Just acknowledge, "Oh, I put it in there."
I'm the type of person who tends to be logical
and isn't satisfied unless I can see things in black and white,
but by accepting that it's okay to have a part of me that can't let go,
and by not pushing myself too hard and keeping things a bit loose,
I might be able to distance myself
from the desire to be praised and recognized, little by little.
When such feelings arise,
for now, put them in a box and leave them be.
I think I'll try that for a while. Being kind to myself.