I am too naive to cry over BUMP

When I look at the vast world and feel despair,
I return to “Sainounin Ouenka” (Anthem for the Talented and Troubled).

Since I was a child, I haven't had confidence in my looks. It's not that anyone ever explicitly called me ugly, but every time I looked at the group photos from school events, I would compare myself to the person next to me and spend my time thinking, 'Ah, I'm ugly.'

It was such a vague sense of inferiority. The phrase 'It's not about your looks, it's about what's on the inside' is nothing more than consolation. Even though I knew in my head that this inferiority complex and jealousy were only making me look uglier, I couldn't stop it. Even back then, I was strangely self-deprecating.

Since I couldn't do anything about the looks I was born with, I decided I would at least try to be good at studying. That's what I thought, so I worked hard at my studies. As a young child, I had no concept of makeup or plastic surgery.

Having not spent my middle school years very well, I wanted to go to a school where no one knew me, so I chose a high school a little further away from home. My mock exam results were on the borderline, but I wanted to go so badly that I did my best. I was desperate.

Once I actually enrolled, there were tons of kids who had gotten in as a 'safety school' or who had lowered their expectations to get in within the safe zone. There were so many people who could easily leap over the things I had worked so hard to build up one by one. I felt dizzy at that fact.

I wasn't cute, I wasn't particularly good at studying, and sports were out of the question. What value did I have? Shortly after entering the high school I had longed for, I felt like I had been thrown into the depths of hell. That's just how the values of high school students are.

It was while I was spending my high school life carrying that light despair that I encountered BUMP OF CHICKEN. I had known 'Tentai Kansoku' before that, but I only recognized it as 'that song in Taiko no Tatsujin'.

It's popular, so I should try listening to it properly. That's what I thought when I picked up their 3rd album, “orbital period”. It's the album that includes 'Karma,' the theme song for the PS2 game 'Tales of the Abyss'.

One of the songs included on this album, “Sainounin Ouenka”, struck a chord with me at the time.

I mistook it for a song about me. I was instantly captivated by this song.

Even now, I think these lyrics are quite provocative.

I don't have any outstanding talent.
There are countless people better than me.
It wouldn't make a difference whether I am in this world or not.

Even as an adult, I still think about things like this. Honestly, I haven't grown at all. I've only added years to my age, while my inner self remains stuck in adolescence.

A 'do your best' from a respectable neighbor is sometimes unbearably painful.

It's painful, but I just struggle and can't do anything.
It's frustrating that I can't even give up on everything.
I hate myself for being so half-hearted about both effort and giving up.

It would be easier if I could just put a lid on everything,
but I keep spilling out words again.

Even so, I still find myself wanting to live. I find myself wanting to give shape to the words that spill out. Even though I'm so pathetic.

That's right.

Without being swayed by the voices around me.
Without holding onto goals that are too big.

I will give shape to the words I want to express, just as I envision them.
Not for a crowd of 'someone's,' but for 'just one person.'

That is fine. Because that is the starting point of my writing.

Ah. As I thought, this song is a song of salvation.

In order for me to be my true self.
Today, too, I listen to this song and shed tears.

My starting point