#152 I want to have more conversations using words that come from my core
During Golden Week, my 1-year-old and 4-year-old nieces came to visit my parents' house. We spent a few lively days together, but I had a rare moment to leave the nieces with their grandparents and go out for tea with my sister, just the two of us. We had a chance to talk about my recent life and my future, and I would like to write about the sense of discomfort I felt during that conversation.
Superficial conversation and true feelings
When my sister asked me, "When are you going to start working?" and "Is your money okay?", I could only give very superficial, clichéd answers. I ended up muddling through with words like, "I still have some savings, so I think I'm okay," or "I'm not the type to plan that far ahead."
But in reality, my thoughts are much deeper. For about a year now, I have let go of my job and have been conducting a "human experiment" of living by doing what moves my heart. It is not simply that I am "not working because I have money," but rather a feeling that I am gradually getting closer to a world where abundance is circulated through joy.
However, I felt I couldn't express my true feelings, fearing that if I suddenly said such things, she would think, "What are you talking about?" Even if I said, "I live by circulating joy," I felt that if she asked, "What does that mean? What specifically are you going to do?", I would only be able to answer, "Whatever my heart is moved by at that moment."
The feeling of lying to myself
I felt a great sense of discomfort in having a conversation using words that did not come from my own heart. It was a feeling of lying to myself and suppressing myself. I think this was a habit I thought I had let go of, resurfacing.
What is strange is that I can speak with 100% pure words to people I have never met, like those here on Note or my podcast, but I cannot do it with my own family. I regret that if I had spoken more with words coming from within myself, we might have been able to understand each other a little better.
Two communication patterns
Looking back, I realized I had two communication patterns.
Trying to speak in expressions that the other person can understand as much as possible, standing from their perspective so that even those living "normally" can understand
When that becomes a hassle, conversely, I perform a "fluffy, vague self" more than necessary, giving the impression that I am just some strange person they don't quite understand, so that they don't pry too deeply
I realized that in both cases, I wasn't really having a conversation as "myself." I didn't know how to explain myself, so I think I was unconsciously acting out one or the other.
The phrase "It's like retirement"
Previously, when I talked about living in nature in the countryside, my sister once said to me, "It's like retirement." When I heard that, I felt, "Oh, only half of what I wanted to convey has been understood..."
It is true that I value living a leisurely, self-sufficient life in nature. That is the "static" part. But at the same time, there is a "dynamic" part; I engage with various things every day, face the confusion, irritation, and emotional turbulence that arise within me, and I am also actively moving within my own heart.
When I find what I am looking for, I move with agility and experience it for myself. That is how I am conducting this "human experiment" with my whole body. I think this "dynamic" part was not conveyed well.
Blood ties and the Earth family
My nieces are very precious to me, and I want to cherish them for the rest of my life. But the ideal world I am envisioning is an "Earth family" that transcends "blood ties." It is a world where, regardless of whether we are related by blood or not, we help each other like family with people who are truly connected by values and sensibilities, and live by circulating joy.
Perhaps in the future, there may come a time when I can no longer live facing the same direction as my nieces and my sister's family... That anxiety crossed my mind for a moment. But as I spoke, I realized something. Even if such a moment comes, rather than letting go with the intense pain of being separated from my nieces, perhaps in the coming era, we don't need to grow by overcoming painful experiences, but rather create our own ideal world through joy.
The importance of speaking from the heart
Today, I was glad I could put into words the sense of discomfort I felt during a conversation with my sister. I decided to speak using words that come from my core. Whether the other person understands or not, I want to properly express and convey the words that arise within me. By doing so, I believe I can live as my true self without lying to myself, without decorating, covering up, or acting.
And by speaking as that version of myself, perhaps the other person might also share their true feelings. If I could say, 'I am living with joy,' maybe my sister would have opened up and said, 'Actually, I've been having questions about myself too...'
Speaking heart to heart. Communicating as our authentic selves. Whether or not that is achieved, I first want to stop lying to myself and start expressing my true self.
It is not just about blood ties, but about being with people whose souls and sensibilities resonate with mine at any given time. Cherishing the important people right in front of me. I believe that is the path I want to follow.
▼ I talk about this in more detail on my podcast, so please feel free to listen to that as well.