[Short Story] I Just Want to Be Alone

As a kindergartner, I was led by the hand by my mother toward the park.

Worried that I was always alone, my mother said she would help me make my park debut. However, for someone like me who wanted to spend time alone, it was a truly unwelcome favor.

At the park, I could tell that my mother, who was chatting with the neighborhood wives, would occasionally cast a glance in my direction.

If I was alone at those times, I would be nagged about it later. I pretended to play with everyone only when my mother was watching. As soon as she looked away, I immediately returned to being alone.

It was like the reverse version of 'Red Light, Green Light,' where you move when the 'it' person isn't looking and stop when they are.

◇

'I don't want to move, and I don't want to play. I just want to be alone.'

That was my only wish.

When I was asked about my 'future dream' in kindergarten, I answered with pride.

'I want to be a plant.'

If I became a plant, I wouldn't have to move, and I wouldn't have to play with anyone.

'A child's job is to play.'

People often say that. For me, playing was truly grueling forced labor.

◇

I eventually grew up and got a job at a company. It was a dull job I didn't want to do, but I had no choice if I wanted to eat.

At the workplace, a 'ski trip' was always planned in the winter, and new employees in particular were semi-forced to participate.

Shivering in the cold, I would slide around looking like I was having fun only when my boss was watching. No, to be precise, I slid reluctantly and then fell. Seeing me fall so clumsily, my boss and the female employees held their stomachs and let out cruel laughter.

When my boss's gaze shifted elsewhere, I stopped sliding and falling, and killed time by making a snowman alone in the shadow of the ski lift.

◇

"The child is father of the man."

As an old person, at the day service center or perhaps at the nursing home, I pretended to play with the other elderly people only when the staff was watching.

The reverse version of "Red Light, Green Light" follows me everywhere.

◇

Finally, my time to pass away arrived. Lying on my back in bed, my hands and feet were tied with restraint belts to prevent me from thrashing about.

My limbs ached a little, but I endured it. Because, far greater than that pain, I felt a sense of comfort.

"Now, at last, I don't have to play with anyone anymore."

I reached the end of my life and departed for heaven.

However, in heaven, to my surprise, there was a guardian angel watching to see if I was playing properly.

Once upon a time, a song went, "Heaven is a good place, come anytime." In such a heaven, I never imagined I would be forced to play the reverse version of "Red Light, Green Light"...

I screamed.

"This place isn't heaven at all, it's just hell!"