Funeral in Merry Christmas #PulpAdventCalendar2020

It was December, and note was wrapped in a somewhat flighty atmosphere, entering a season where red and green Christmas colors decorated every corner of the facility.

The location was the note Grand Plaza. It was a battlefield, much like the Mexican wilderness, where serious people visited with their own works in hand, trying to get others to read them by any means necessary.

A mysterious man wearing an aloha shirt and a tengu mask, known as Aloha Tengu, had also rented a corner of the rows of spaces to promote and sell his own serious work, but...

“Oh, it’s the guy from Demon Slay-!”
“Hahahaha, that’s not it, kiddo! But all tengu are good guys! Remember that!”
“Okay!”

Due to the influence of recent tengu mask character collages, he was mistaken for a cosplay of a completely different character, and because his genre was what is known as murder-punk—where many people die—rather than the sparkly essays sought after on note, he was struggling with sales.

“Ah... the internet won’t be connected until after the New Year, the cyberpunk game is getting a massive update patch, and there are no lewd doujinshi of that chubby, moist, introverted, socially awkward character coming out either. This year really sucks.”

He gulped down a CORONA.
Of course, the difficulty of promotion is a common problem for all creators, and it wasn't just him who was bearing the brunt of it. Everyone was struggling.

“I’ll take one.”
“Hey, thanks! ...Wait, it’s you?”

Standing before Aloha Tengu, who had stood up politely only to slump back down with a massive sigh, was Raven, a man who was a killing machine dressed in black, looking like something out of the movie Blade.

“Didn’t you already buy two copies? Well, if you say you’re buying, I’ll sell it to you.”
“It’s for proselytizing. I’m going to hand it to the head of the note Literature Club.”
“Seriously!? Wow, I appreciate it! But is there any demand for this in the Literature Club?”
“I don’t know about the others, but the head is actually into this kind of stuff. It’ll probably hit home, and since I’m paying out of my own pocket, no one loses anything.”
“Oh wow... you’ve got quite the connections... seriously, thanks!”
“Don’t mention it.”

Just as Raven turned away nonchalantly, it happened.
Five weirdos cosplaying as funeral Buddhist altar items pushed through the crowd and rushed into the center of the Grand Plaza. Then, the weirdos in funeral-essential costumes occupied the center of the note Grand Plaza, struck a pose, and loudly announced themselves!

“Creator Altar Black!”
“Creator Incense Blue!”
“Creator Mortuary Tablet Black!”
“Creator Coffin White!”
“Creator Wooden Fish Brown!”

“The five of us together...”

“The Funeral Sentai! Nanmaider!”

“Perverts!?”

Ignoring the two men’s unimpressed reactions, the Altar weirdo spoke.

“Our goal is one and only: to destroy Christmas! We will eliminate anyone who gets in our way!”
“And the reason for that is?”
“Normies... the six hours of intimacy... happy families... we will destroy it all together!”
“That’s too typical for a Christmas villain. Is this some kind of traditional event?”
“And for starters, at least color-code yourselves. Why are there two Blacks?”
“Yeah, yeah. And what’s with ‘Brown’? If it’s a Sentai show, at least use standard colors... why isn’t there a Red?”

To Raven’s interrogation, the Altar puffed out its chest and replied.

“Red is a Christmas color! Green is also a Christmas color, so the incense guy is Blue instead of Green!”
“Where is the logic in that? Where?!”
“Kuhahahaha! It’s too late to complain! The Grand Plaza has already become our funeral venue!”

Indeed, there was no longer any sign of the flighty Christmas atmosphere that people had been enjoying just moments ago. Everyone present, young and old, without exception, was prostrate on the ground, depressed and grieving! The venue’s color scheme was monochrome, the background music was the sound of a wooden fish and chanting, and one could say this place was now nothing but a funeral venue.

“Wha...t...”
“Did you see that! This is our power, ‘Funeral Mood’! Those who step into our territory will feel like they are at a funeral even if no one has died, they will become depressed... and lose all motivation to do anything!”
“Is that all?”
“That is all.”

The Tengu and the Crow shook their heads and sighed. They were dumbfounded.
Ignoring the two of them, the Funeral Squadron went on with high spirits!

“And as the funeral mood at the scene is created, the more intense that atmosphere becomes, the stronger our power grows. Eventually, we will cover Tokyo, Japan, and the entire world in a funeral mood, and force this year's Christmas to be canceled! You lot can just stand there and watch with your fingers in your mouths!”
“But didn't the UK already cancel Christmas for 2020?”
“Shut up! A single country abandoning Christmas is nowhere near our grand wish! Aim for a worldwide funeral mood! Perish, Santa Claus! Go, everyone! For starters, we shall conquer this entire Tokyo Mega-Float!”
“Roger!!”

In response to the Buddhist altar's command, the four monsters—Incense Stick, Coffin, Wooden Fish, and Mortuary Tablet—rushed out toward the four cardinal directions. As the funeral monsters moved away, the people within their range began to lose their strength and collapse to the ground one after another!?

“It's over...”
“Why...”
“I don't have the energy to do anything today...”

Tokyo is in danger! Christmas is in danger! Is there nothing left to do but wait to be painted over by the funeral mood at the whim of the funeral Buddhist altar monsters!?

―――――

East from the grand plaza! As Mortuary Tablet Black rushed through, tablets sprouted from the ground, and the inside of the note was swallowed by a solemn atmosphere, like a graveyard with tombstones standing in rows. The red and green Christmas colors that had decorated the facility were replaced with monochrome, and people could only grieve in the gaps between the tablets...!

“I-hai-hai-hai-hai-ha! Easy! Fragile! Commoners who get excited about Christmas are no match for this Mortuary Tablet Black!”
“Wait just a minute!”
“Who goes there!”

Blocking the path of the excited Mortuary Tablet Black was a man with glasses and a relaxed, casual, gentle atmosphere! That person set his smartphone into his belt and shouted his signature line!

“Transform!”

Just as a magic circle was drawn at the man's feet, a fountain erupted as if a waterfall were flowing backward, covering his figure! When the water cleared, standing there was... the form of a silver wolf-themed tokusatsu hero!

“Grrr!? Who are you! State your name!”
“Pulp Slinger, Momono! And this is my new form!”

Momono flicked the smartphone on his belt, and an electronic announcement voice played from the speaker: “Da, da, da, daan... Orchestra Form, standby.” The smartphone glowed! In sync, the armor also shone brilliantly! Overflowing musical note effects!

And when the radiance subsided, standing there was the hero, his armor switched to a conductor-themed form!

“Orchestra Form! Let's do this!”
“How cheeky! Mortuary Tablet Funnel!”

Simultaneously with Mortuary Tablet Black's command, the tablets that had sprouted all around launched with rocket propulsion, moving in sharp trajectories through the air! Many tablets approached Momono, leaving jagged smoke trails from their geometric propulsion paths!

“Seiyaa!”

Momono... kicked the approaching tablets! He struck them with his baton! And then, a high kick followed by a flute shuriken throw! The tablets exploded just before impact! Momono dove through the flames of the explosion! A zero-inch close-quarters combat exchange with Mortuary Tablet Black!

“Bass Break!” The giant bass being swung around struck Mortuary Tablet Black!
“Gwaa!”
“Timpani Smash!” A falling timpani enveloped the tablet!
“Gwaa!?”
“Cymbal Slash!” A cymbal slash!
“Gwaa!”

Ihai Black staggers under the onslaught of the roaring musical instrument violence! Momono will not let this opening slip by!

"And this is the power of the instruments gathered... Orchestra Hit!"

Oh, behold! Towering and lined up in the air are... a group of orchestral instruments! The army of instruments crashes into Ihai Black one after another, playing a requiem with the sound of the collisions!

"Abargh! I've been... done in!"

Ihai Black explodes and scatters along with the instruments! All that remains at the site of the explosion is a single, lanky, board-like figure!

"Justice served!"

The crowd, released from the wake-like atmosphere, erupts at the sudden hero show!

―――――

West of the main plaza! In the wedding and funeral genre area, Kankoke White covers the innocent people considering funeral arrangements with a premonition of death! Coffins of all styles, both Japanese and Western, are springing up everywhere! Burial barrels! Black-lacquered coffins that look like vampire beds!

"Shishishishishishi... Christmas will not come for you, forever... Shishishishishishi"

Kankoke White continues the act of erecting coffins with an ominous chuckle! The moisture-absorbent paulownia wood coffins wrap up and capture the black-gal who didn't escape in time, the Jiro-otaku, and the Christmas cake part-time Santa girl! Is the event hall now nothing more than a morgue!? What atrocity!

Appearing there was... a middle-aged man in medieval doctor-like attire, wearing a wide-brimmed black hat!

"Heh heh heh, this year's Christmas terrorist is a bit on the naughty side, isn't he?"
"Death-shishishi... do you want to be entombed too...?"
"No way, I'm a doctor. It's my duty to make sure I don't end up needing his services. Come on, you muscles! Do you want to shrink down and fit into a coffin!?"

"Sir! No! Sir!"

The ones who burst in from behind the old doctor, marching in formation without a single break, are muscles. An army of muscles, without a single thread of disorder, is marching through the aisle in a sleigh formation! Towering muscles! Lined-up pectorals! The male-to-female ratio is half-and-half, with perfect consideration for gender!

"Shishi... even if you train, the destination is the same... Shishargh!"

The coffins caught in a poltergeist phenomenon assault the muscle parade! Are they also destined to become prisoners of the coffins!? No, that is not the case! The military of muscles is actually... carrying the flying coffins on their shoulders... and welcoming them!? Yes, it is the Dancing Pallbearers act. The coffin-dancing muscle corps closes in on Kankoke White!

"Proportions!"
"Gwargh!"
"Double Biceps!"
"Gwargh!"
"Side Chest!"
"Gwargh!"
"Most Muscular!"
"Gwargh!"

What a flowing display of muscle appeal! The people who had been depressed by the premonition of death are now swept up in the heat of the overflowing muscles and cheering!

"That's great!"
"You guys are the best!"
"Show us the Abdominal and Thigh next!"

Coffin White, helpless and being kneaded by the torrent of overflowing muscles!

“Alright, you guys are great! Nice bulk! Finish it!”
“SIR! YES! SIR!”

The muscle legion surrounded Coffin White to the last man and struck a pose in unison!

“One Muscle!”

“Abargh! I’ve been defeated!”

At the bottom of the muscle mortar, Coffin White exploded into pieces! What was rolling in the center of the muscle was... a gloomy, bean-sprout girl!

“Haa-haa! Merry Christmas!”

The crowd goes wild for the Die-Hard Muscle Show!

―――――

South of the grand plaza! The open food court! An outdoor dining space overlooking the blue sky! Appearing there was... Incense Blue!
Incense Blue pulls pole-like incense sticks from his own body at the speed of a high-speed rice-planting machine and plants them into the tables! The incense ignites! The food court is enveloped in the somber scent of incense, creating an atmosphere that encourages modest behavior!

At the drifting scent of incense, the faces of the spectators who were enjoying the Christmas special menu clouded over in an instant, turning into the depressed expressions of a funeral wake even though no one had died, and they even stopped eating...! What a heinous and wicked act!

“...Weak! Fragile! Feeble! You are!”

Just as Incense Blue raised the incense sticks like dual blades and was about to stab them into the roasted turkey!

A silver flash of a blade flickered nine times, dividing Incense Blue’s incense sticks into ten pieces, and the turkey’s peace was preserved.

“It is not good to waste food, yes.”

The silver stream that sliced the incense clicked its leather heels loudly and was sheathed into the hand of the suited gentleman who had revealed himself.

“Domo, I am Editor-in-Chief Kido. Pleased to meet you.”
“...Are you also going to hinder our deeds?”
“Yes, yes. Everyone is looking forward to Christmas, after all.”
“Then die!”

Incense Blue’s incense sticks blur. Kido dodges the thrust incense with a seamless sway and slide! The incense is not pulled back, but falls apart and scatters. Incense Blue pulls new incense sticks from his own body. However.

“...Hmm? Hmm-hmm-hmm?”

Incense Blue’s limbs were severed, fell to the ground in pieces, and then exploded into nothingness. All that remained in his place was a toned, muscular man with a braided ponytail.

“Pardon me, you were wide open.”

The powdered snow that began to fall at the same moment as the incense-blue explosion-scattering was welcomed with cheers by the crowd, who had regained their sanity.

―――――

North from the grand plaza! Music genre!
Mokugyo Brown charges forward with the mass of a charging, trampling hippo! With every step, the sound of wooden fish and sutra chanting flows out, overwriting rock and roll, classical music, and game music!

The passion and impulse of the music wither and shrink before their eyes, and those present collapse, their gazes fixed on the floor! And gradually, the music ceases, and the wooden fish and sutra chanting cover the entire area...

“POK-POK-POK-POK-POK-POK!! This is the power of a funeral that surpasses even music! With this momentum, I’ll turn Tokyo, and Japan, into a funeral... Gyaaa!”

BOKUBOKUBOKUBOKUBOKU!

The storm of bullets raining down from above literally beats Mokugyo Brown like a wooden fish! An aggressive wooden fish beat!

Landing before Mokugyo Brown, who is dancing the beehive dance from the hits, is... a figure with disheveled black hair and gothic lolita attire, gender unknown, holding not flowers in their hands, but guns! A combination of an assault rifle and a shotgun!

“Hi, I’m Badpool. You can call me Bap-chin if you want to be friendly.”

To Badpool, who delivers the greeting with plenty of composure, Mokugyo Brown beats out an angry wooden fish beat!

“What do you mean, Bap-chin! Shall I turn you into a funeral too!”
“Oh shit, I’m not in the mood for that today! It’s Christmas, after all!”

Badpool shoots at the small wooden fish that Mokugyo Brown throws around like hand grenades! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Small explosions color the music area red! The bullets pierce through the flames of the explosions and strike Mokugyo Brown hard!

“Si-lent Ni-ght, Ho-ly Ni-ght♪”
“GWA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-!?”

A hellish rock and roll where Mokugyo Brown’s screams and wooden fish beats mingle with the humming of a Christmas carol! The music-lovers who had been lying on the floor also regain their heat from the extreme beat!

“Yeahhhhhhhhhhh! Let’s get this party started!!”

Throwing away the two guns, what Badpool brandishes next is... a rocket launcher! The warhead of the rocket launcher pierces straight into Mokugyo Brown, who is reeling and unsteady from the storm of bullets!

Kabooooooooooom!!!

Explosion-scattering! All that remained was a barrel-like hundred-kan girl lying charred on the ground.

“Come on, don’t be so gloomy, you guys! Because today is a fun Christmas!”

The venue went wild with the heat-filled gun beats of the gunfire! Those who had been hanging their heads regained their instruments and began to play Christmas!

―――――

The perspective returns to the center of the note plaza, where a swarm of wooden fish grenades flies toward the black-clad figure!

“Namu, disperse!”

The long kukri wielded by Raven, a cross-slashing wave from his dual machetes, sweeps the swarm of wooden fish back into a Buddhist altar black! A flower of explosions covers the center of the plaza! Yet, from within those crimson petals, incense sticks strike with the force of a needle phalanx! The black man defends against this with a rotating Gelgoog naginata!

“You’re surprisingly strong for a template Christmas monster with such a ridiculous appearance...”
“Ku-hahahahaha! As the leader of the Namu-da, I am strengthened by the depth of the funeral mood in the area! Having already plunged a massive number of people into a funeral mood, I am now invincible!”
“I appreciate the courtesy!”

Throw! The Buddhist altar black defends against the mountain sword, which strikes with the sharpness of a bird of prey, with a perfect Kannon-opening defense! The next moment, Raven, having closed the distance, unleashes a fist strike that breaks the sound barrier! The altar retreats with a bursting sound! But there isn't a single scratch on its surface! What a synchronization pressure enhancement effect from the funeral mood!

“Tch, you really are a sturdy one.”
“Hey, hey, is that all your power? Just hurry up and finish it.”
“Alright.”

Responding arrogantly to the Tengu’s cheering, the crow reaches for the hilt of the red-black great sword at his waist and draws it. As he grips the hilt, Raven’s silhouette shimmers with sword energy like an ink wash painting infused with blood, and the blade of the great sword shines as if it were forged iron!

“Ah! It’s a pillar!”
“Eh, was there a person like that?”
“It must be a pillar that hasn't appeared yet!”
“Amazing! Is that so!? Which pillar is it!?”

Raven drops his shoulders slightly at the children’s innocent misunderstanding, but as a proper adult, he avoids harshly denying such pure misconceptions and takes a blue-eyed stance. However, the target of the Buddhist altar black at that moment was... none other than those little ones! Flying mortuary tablet funnel missiles!

“Swiftly!”

A sword flash! The red-black helmet-splitter strikes down the mortuary tablet missiles without fail, and with the returning blade, he strikes the fragments of the missiles away into the distance even faster than they could detonate! Crimson lotus flowers bloomed in the air without reaching their targets! At the moment of the interrupt, the children get excited, and the Buddhist altar black suffers in agony! The Tengu realizes!

“Oh, so that’s the trick! In that case, I’ll help you out a bit!”

The Tengu, eyeing Raven who is interrupting every one of the Buddhist altar black’s fierce attacks, dashes toward the children with a mountain of his own stock! He then hands out his self-made works with good rhythm!

“Alright, kids! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime request from your friend Uroko-san’s friend, Uncle Tengu. Could you take the books I just gave you, hand them to your moms, dads, and older siblings, and have them read them right now?”
“Okay!”

They work fast! And perhaps because it was the Tengu’s request, the children immediately run to their slumped guardians and beg them to read the pulp novels they were entrusted with! Giving in to the children’s begging, which ignored the funeral mood, they began to read the pulp novels they were handed...!

“The Yagyu Calendar year 37564!?”
“The greatest demon cave in the Orient, Machida!?”
“Sen no Rikyu, a living severed head swearing revenge on the Yagyu clan!?”
“Who is Yagyu Vader!?”
“Eighty percent of the residents died instantly upon stepping into Machida with the first sword stroke!?”

Surprisingly, the funeral mood in the plaza clears up in the blink of an eye, and the guardians present begin to read the distributed pulp novels intently alongside the children! The Buddhist altar black spills out groans and screams!

“Gwaaaaaaaaaaa!!! The atmosphere! The atmosphere is changing!? Wh-what on earth are you doing!”
“Hehe... of course, it’s my masterpiece of masterpieces... this one!”

Aloha Tengu held up a pulp novel, thick as a dictionary!

"It's 'Yagyu Jubei is Coming, Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!'! It's finished! A masterpiece that even has a physical book release!"

"Wh-what... how could a novel like that break our funeral mood...!"
"Too bad for you."

A man in black stood over the prostrate Butsudan Black like an executioner. His hands held a great sword high, poised to deliver the final blow!

"And this is my Christmas present for you. Merry Christmas Slash!"
"A-Abaaa! I-I-I've been got!"

Severed. The single strike, wreathed in red-black scorching flames, did not miss, splitting Butsudan Black in two and causing him to explode into scattered pieces. All that remained was a man who could only be described as a mob character, lying there charred.

"Namu Amida Butsu... hurry up and go home, cry your eyes out, and go to sleep."
"D-damn it... to guys who look like they couldn't get a date even if they tried... I won't give up... next year, I will definitely have a Christmas..."
"Papa~♪"
"Papa?"

As the two looked down at the former Butsudan Black—or more accurately, as Aloha Tengu looked down—a precocious little child came running over with a pitter-patter and leaped onto his leg.

"Oh~♪ What's wrong, Babe-chan? We promised that since Papa is working, you'd be a good girl at home, right?"
"Pick me up!"
"Oh my, Papa is so happy~, then let's go buy a cake on the way home!"

Seeing Aloha Tengu show a doting side so different from a moment ago, the former Butsudan Black turned toward Raven with movements as stiff as a robot running out of oil.

"...Your own child?"
"That's right."
"...And a wife?"
"I have one."

Faced with the cruel reality, the former Butsudan Black struck a pose reminiscent of The Scream... then turned into pure white ash and scattered into the twilight sky, *snuuuuh*...
No one knows what became of him after that.

【The End】

This work is a surprise entry for #PulpAdventCalendar2020.

What is this?

This is something that was originally a plot prepared for the Pulp Advent Calendar 2020, quickly polished into something nice, and intended as a small gift for Mr. Aloha Tengu, who seems to be having a really tough time at the end of this year.

The fact that it has such a cheap atmosphere is like the vibe of the Boobs who promote Ninja Slayer, and it is largely intentional, so please forgive me.

And the work advertised in the story, 'Yagyu Jubei is Coming, Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!', actually exists and can be read on note. You can read the first chapter below.

It is a novel with enough power that I went out of my way to write an 8,000-character-plus bizarre pulp novel to support it, and it can be called one of the masterpieces that represents note... (though it's also on Kakuyomu). So, for the brave souls who have read this far, please at least remember its existence, and if you're lucky, read at least the first chapter. You won't regret it, seriously.

I'll also leave Mr. Nozomizuki's review here for you.

And here are the Pulp Advent Calendar 2020 works by the Pulp Slingers who appeared in the story!

This is how I keep my guard up while promoting others and showing consideration, that's the plan...!

Q. Why aren't all the Advent Calendar participants appearing?
A. I didn't have enough resources...

This is seriously the case; I only had the energy to include those whose character images were firmly established. It took 8,000 characters just to feature six people, so I really couldn't manage to create roles for 24 people during the year-end season. I am truly sorry.

If you are brave enough to say, 'Make me a joke too!', let me know separately and I might write something again. Or I might not.

So that's it for this time, see you later!
Merry Christmas!

Currently serializing the following works!

My account posts are updated every day at 6:00 PM!
I'm providing content where robots appear and fight!

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