[Must-read for all husbands] Don't bundle up a whole year's worth. 'Thank you' isn't about grandeur, it's 100% about timing
Good evening.
Thank you for coming back again.
Thank you so much for all the empathetic responses to my last post about our 'complete meritocracy shift where we don't interfere in each other's areas of expertise'!
This year marks our 10th wedding anniversary.
Thanks to that, we are now a 'strongest team' that can rely on each other's support, laughing together every day while managing childcare and housework.
However, when I hear stories from other couples, I often hear things like this:
'My husband celebrates our anniversaries properly and expresses his gratitude in words... but for some reason, I still feel a lingering sense of dissatisfaction in our daily life.'
Actually, I used to feel the same way in the past.
And now, reaching our 10th anniversary, I clearly understand the source of that dissatisfaction.
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There is something I really want to convey to husbands out there.
'Thank you' is not about the frequency or the grandeur; it is 100% about 'timing'.
A beautiful bouquet and a letter saying 'thank you for everything' on an anniversary.
Of course, that makes me incredibly happy.
It's 100 times better than doing nothing.
But, fathers.
Please, never think, 'Alright! I celebrated properly on our anniversary and said thank you, so that covers the whole year!'
Are you satisfied with saying, 'Thank you for doing the childcare and housework. Let's keep it up,' on an anniversary?
That is wrong.
What we really want is not
that kind of 'bulk-washed' gratitude for the whole year.
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A thank you,
honestly, has no meaning unless it is said at the exact moment it needs to be said.
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Back when our daughters were small and I was most desperate with childcare, my husband would always say this in his'first words'when he opened the front door after coming home from work every day:
'I'm home. Thank you for today. Thanks for looking after our daughter.'
And when I put the dinner I had scrambled to prepare on the table,
'Thank you. Thanks for making dinner, too. It looks delicious!'
he would say it as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
You might think this is just a small thing.
But for me, worn down by fighting loneliness and anxiety while alone all day with a baby who couldn't communicate, this one word at the right time truly, unbelievably saved me.
Moreover, this 'thank you right after coming home' has a surprising effect that dramatically improves the relationship between a couple.
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Release from combat mode
When my husband first acknowledges me by saying, 'Thank you for looking after her today,' my 'mental guard (combat mode)' instantly dissolves.
That is why, the moment my husband comes home, I can naturally reply with a smile:
'Welcome home! Thank you for working hard today, too! You must be tired!'
Furthermore, even if there was something difficult or troublesome with childcare that day,
'And you know, actually today our daughter was...'
I can easily share it with my husband as a pure 'consultation' without any thorns.
If his first words had been, 'Ugh, I'm tired, what's for dinner?', my heart would have frozen instantly,
and I would have gone into full combat mode, thinking, 'I'm tired too, you know!?',and the difficulties of childcare would have just been vented as 'aggressive complaining'.
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Everything is about timing.
It's not about the broad category of 'always,' but whether you are looking at me 'now'.
The secret to making a couple's team last is not flashy performances for events, but increasing the 'resolution' of daily life.
Tonight, the moment your wife finishes a hectic day, lets out a sigh, and welcomes you home.
Fathers, instead of preparing a one-hit-kill letter, please try passing the ball to your wife right in front of you with a 'Thank you for today' at the perfect moment.
Just by doing that, the atmosphere in your home from tomorrow on should change to be surprisingly gentle and warm.
Thank you for your hard work today as well.
May words of gratitude reach moms all over the country at the perfect moment tonight!