I felt like I was being affirmed, including my past [#WritingClub]

Up until now, I often said I lacked confidence and backed away from many challenges.
I often let opportunities slip through my own fingers.

I believe I have lived each moment with my feet firmly on the ground, and there is no lie or falsehood in that.

From the outside, people might have thought, 'I wish they would just try a little harder...'

But if I were to make a judgment now,
I lacked effort.

The effort to be honest with myself.

There is a phrase like this in the lyrics of a certain band's song.

When I encountered this phrase, I felt as if I had finally woken up.

I think I was a child with strong feelings of anxiety from a young age.

Though I say it myself, the foundation of who I was never really settled, and I felt adrift.

I think that sense of being adrift sometimes manifested as a strength, but I always considered it a problem that the anxiety I had felt until now was quite vague.

Why was it so vague?

It was because I didn't know myself.

If anything, the fear of knowing myself was stronger, and I couldn't look at myself directly.

I think I was always looking for answers that would please someone other than myself.

I blamed the passage of time and external factors, and stopped my own growth.

I was not being honest with my own way of life, my own existence.

Even though the roots that support me are what matter most, I was only trying to make the tree part look big and impressive.

Where in this situation could I find any hope?

Where would confidence come from?

I had to find the trigger, the reason to believe in myself, through my own strength.

There wasn't a single element I could feel confident about.

The trial God gave to someone like me was to be the manager of a project forced into a new organizational structure.

My responsibilities and what I needed to do became clear.

Until my mind and body got used to it, I fell ill many times.

Even though I was only given a one-year period.
Yes, I was always feeling impatient.

From around this time, I started to become very conscious of my own position.

I couldn't ask for advice, nor could I decide who to consult, unless I understood where I was stumbling.

I had no choice but to turn the vector toward myself.

There were no answers within me, but I found an ideal I wanted to aim for.
There were also colleagues heading toward that same goal.

There were many things that didn't go well, but thanks to the position I was given, I was able to persevere.

Even when there were difficulties, to stay standing stubbornly.
To think about what I could do to get closer to my ideal, and to take action.
To continue for a certain period of time.

Because of that experience, I have come to believe that I am where I am today.

Even though I'm still not quite up to the task in my new job, I can believe that there are things that will surely become clear through persistence.

Being able to have expectations for myself.

Listening while thinking about the lyrics, I realized that my own experiences had gained weight.

It was all me.

If I had just let myself be swept along and spent my days aimlessly, I think I would never have been able to realize this.

I took many detours.
I also tried to run away.
Strong headwinds blew many times, and I almost gave up.
Even including the jobs I had before being entrusted with this project, there were countless days when I was filled with tears.
Compared to those around me, there were plenty of times I felt self-loathing (no, that still happens even as I write this article).

The reason I can stand on my own two feet now and think about continuing to walk forward is...
The reason I've become able to have expectations for myself is...

Because I know the joy of having overcome things.

Because I've learned that no matter what kind of person I am, I have strong allies watching over me.

You wouldn't encounter anxiety if you didn't have expectations
Expectations only sprout from the seeds of self-confidence
That self-confidence is proof of the experience of not giving up

This phrase I mentioned earlier is concluded with the following words.

There are many kinds of tears, but the tears I shed when my boss said "Good work" after I had seen something through to the end still support my heart today.

In my job, there are many times when I cannot feel a sense of accomplishment. I feel isolated, and I also feel my own inadequacy.

There are times when I want to cry.
There are also times when I don't know what I'm living for.

Even so, the reason I can think about living in the present without giving up is because
I have come to believe that I am who I am precisely because of my past experiences
.

When I was able to connect the meaning of these lyrics to my own past, I felt like my slow-paced journey—including the past where I couldn't hold onto a sense of self (my roots) at all—was being affirmed.

Feeling like I was being told, "That's okay," I was able to lift my gaze, which had been cast downward, and look forward.

Although results are often demanded or emphasized, the process leading up to them is important.
Perhaps the reason I think this way is that it connects to points of self-affirmation.

Every day is a waypoint.
I want to live each and every day with care.

~ Afterword ~

#WritingClub
When I learned the project was being held, I
was unsure what to post at first,
but I managed to write it all out.

The theme this time was
"The lyrics that struck me! A phrase that hit home."
.

Despite saying things like this,
there are still times when my indecisiveness shows.

That is when eating out with my in-laws.

I can't decide what to eat or what I want to eat.
My thinking stops completely.
Sensing that, my husband quickly orders for me. lol

To put it negatively, I am dependent on my husband.

It gives a glimpse into how little I made my own choices in childhood,
and how I would read the intentions of those around me
and make that my own answer.

While writing this article,
I remembered my past articles,
so I'll post the links here.

This is for my own records.

#WritingClub
#TheseLyricsStruckMe

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