When "nothing" turns into "something."

At the start of the week, a few hectic days followed one after another.

When I lose my peace of mind, I become much more prone to being negative toward myself and feeling extremely anxious about missing or overlooking tasks.

"I wanted to finish that task today, but I couldn't do it again."

"Wait. Did I put the file I used back properly?"

"I'm not even sure if I clocked out..."

Even after leaving the workplace, I often find myself retracing my steps because of things like that. It might just be that I'm clumsy, but a lack of composure invites a state of being "absent-minded."

Around such days, my sleep becomes unstable, and I notice an increased frequency of physical ailments like headaches or stomachaches, so my mood is far from calm.

By this point, the word "nothing" is constantly circling in my brain.

I haven't done it. This, that, I still haven't done any of it.

There isn't a moment where I don't feel anxious, and a swarm of voices reinforcing my negativity, saying "What a useless person you are," approaches me.

On holidays that come during such times, I have a mountain of desire to just sleep in.

But, instead of staying in bed, I gather the courage to move just a little, prepare a notebook and pen, and for now, scribble down whatever is in my brain at that moment.

Once I've exhausted all the negative things, things I actually managed to do start to surface in my mind as well.

When I write them out, I realize how many various things I had actually done, even though I thought I hadn't done anything at all.

Looking at the page filled with writing, finally, I

"You really did your best. Good job."

You will be able to say these kind words to yourself.

...

Even if you think you "haven't done this" or "haven't achieved that," you have actually accomplished many things.

In the first place, just by breathing and living, you have likely cleared the biggest task of all.

Once you achieve one thing, you might want to paint expectations and ideals for yourself, thinking, "Next, I'll do this and that...!"

If you look at yourself from the perspective of an ant, you realize that the version of yourself you want to be is actually surprisingly close.

Since I am naturally quite a perfectionist, what I demand of myself is likely not life-sized, but rather something highly elevated.

Certainly,

• I might not be performing at the 100% level that others expect.

• My thoughts and actions might not always be considerate down to the smallest detail.

There are days when I feel like being cynical toward myself for that.

Even so...

• I have a home to return to every day.

• I have someone to eat dinner with. (If I were alone, I would tend to choose not to eat dinner because it's too much trouble.)

• I can get into bed and (even if it takes some time) fall asleep.

• I receive an income, and I can even make plans to support my favorite idols.

“A daily life where I've accomplished nothing” even if I think that,
in reality, I am able to go about my daily life calmly and steadily.

At this very moment, could it be that there is no other word to describe it than "happiness"?

There is a proverb, "people often fail to notice what is right in front of them," which means "it is darkest under the lighthouse," but in all the time I've lived, I had never truly realized it for myself.

On a certain holiday morning, I felt—with a level of detachment that was almost rude—that old sayings are really well-crafted.

Because at this point, I have already achieved more than enough.

I just wish I could be a little kinder to myself.