#34 I want to love my clown-like self

When I met an HSP person, he said this.

“When I learned about the HSP trait, I felt like I finally understood who I was. In that moment, I felt incredibly relieved.”

Perhaps humans are creatures that spend their lives searching for who they are.
I, too, felt incredibly relieved when I discovered my true identity.

My true identity wasa clown.

There was a name for the difficulty of living

There is a term I encountered when I was studying psychology.
It isAdult Child.

The term “difficulty in living” has become common to see recently.
I myself felt this difficulty even more when I was young, and I studied psychology to try and pinpoint the cause.

When I first encountered this term, I thought, “This has nothing to do with me.”
I was never abused by my parents, andif anything, I feel like I was raised with care.

There are various types of Adult Children.
The Hero, the Scapegoat, and so on.
The Clown is one of them.

There were checklists for each, and none of them resonated with me.
However, the items for the Clown were completely different.

“Wait, is this written about me??”
I thought, as the majority of the items applied to me.

I have to turn every day into a circus

In an article about HSP, I wrote that I dislike tense atmospheres.
I am terrified of any place where someone is angry.
If it means preventing that kind of atmosphere,I will put my body on the line as much as it takes to turn the situation into a laugh.

If I ama clown,then
I wouldn't be satisfied unless I constantly turned the place I was in into a circus.

Telling jokes to liven up the room.
Creating laughter by putting myself down.

Sometimes that feels fun.
But what happens when you keep desperately creating laughter to hide your cowardice?

Gradually, your mind and body become exhausted.

Thesmiling clownin front of everyoneis exhausted and crying when alone.
Why am I trying so hard?
Why am I putting my body on the line so much?
Why is it so hard to live?

Even now, I spend my days carrying that sense of difficulty in living.

But maybe it's okay to be a clown.

However, lately, I am starting to like this clownish version of myself. I
end up trying to play the role of a clown even in the workplace.This might just be part of my personality, so perhaps it can't be helped.

ButI think it's easier to work in a bright workplace than a gloomy one.
Making jokes to lighten the mood, or acting a little silly. Of course, I maintain a balance, but as a supervisor, I try to create an atmosphere that is easy to work in. I was able to feel the worth of that effort through a colleague's words.

“It’s become easier to work since you transferred here, Mr. Tate-take.”

It was just a small comment, so my colleague might not even remember it, but for me, it was truly, truly happy. It felt like my clownish self had been accepted.

It’s not good to sacrifice yourself to create laughter, but
I think I’ll continue to be a clown in moderation,that was the kind of comment that made me think so.