#174 The Reason I Am Alive

What am I living for?

When I feel mentally down, I often think about this.
Work isn't going well.
I'm too tired to even immerse myself in my hobbies.
Living a daily life where I have nothingmakes me lose sight of the reason for my existence as a human being.

However, the reason for one's existence, the reason for living.
I wonder if only a very small number of people are born with these things.

What is the reason for living?

The time I searched for my reason for living the most was when I was a university student.
I didn't want to study. I didn't want to work part-time.
I just wanted to lie around at home, play games, read manga, and be lazy.
So, my days were just a commute between home and university. My days were also devoid of anything like romance.

But those around me were giving their all to their studies, club activities, circles, and romance.
When I compared myself to them, I couldn't help but deny myself.

What am I living for?,

Looking back now, I think I was desperate to find my reason for living.
I tried giving my all to academics, tried getting a job in a local area, and tried going to various places to expand my relationships.
Butthings didn't go well, and I often worried about my reason for living.

About 10 years have passed since those desperate days.
What is my reason for living now, really?
Working as a librarian while doing this note and creative work—
if I had to say what my reason for living is now, it might be that.

What am I living for?

This is a question that many people may have thought about.
As a result of thinking about various things in my current situation—
I have reached the conclusion that it is not something you can understand while you are alive.

I'm fine with finding it when I die.

If my reason for living right now is being a librarian and creative work,I think the reason for living is indeed a very fluid thing.When I was in my 20s, that wasn't my reason for living.
Sometimes it was academics. Sometimes it was entertainment. Sometimes it was relationships.

My reason for living was different at different times.

And often,when you are working hard at something, you don't really think about things like a reason for living.
Because you are desperate about something, you don't have time to think about such things.

I worked hard at something.
But for some reason, I let it go.
Or my heart drifted away from it—.

At times like that, I often think about what I am living for.
Having a consistent reason for living is a very difficult thing.
If you have one, you must be very lucky.

But by thinking about this, I was able to have one goal.
I wanted to have a life where, when I stand at the moment of death, I can think, 'I lived for this!'That is what I thought.

In other words, rather than a reason for living,I want to have a reason for having lived.
That is whyit's okay if I don't know my reason for living while I'm alive.

I want to know my reason for having lived when my life ends.
For that reason, I write today as well.