#41 I want to throw everything away

I sometimes come across the term "relationship reset syndrome." As the name suggests, it is the desire to nullify all the relationships one has built up until now.
I, too, am sometimes driven by that impulse.
Not just relationships, but an impulse to throw absolutely everything away.

The sudden wave of dark history

There are times when embarrassing memories from the past suddenly race through my mind.

I said something like that.
I did something like this.
I embarrassed myself in front of a crowd.
I was (perhaps) thought of as a weirdo.

Looking back on my life, I have quite a lot of dark history.
For some reason, that dark history suddenly resurfaces in my brain, making me writhe in agony.
And then, I fall into self-loathing.
When I fall into self-loathing, the "desire to throw it all away" arises.

My own existence,
my relationships,
my current life,
I want to throw away my entire life, which is covered in this dark history.

When I enter self-loathing mode, such desires rage like a storm in my heart, and it becomes quite painful until it passes.

It is easy to throw away relationships

This also welled up when I developed an adjustment disorder, but one's own existence is not something that can be easily thrown away. That requires considerable courage.
And, at the stage of thinking this,perhaps I don't actually want to throw away my own existence.

However, relationships are relatively easy to throw away.
In today's world, if you throw away your smartphone and PC, you can discard most of your relationships.
Even people you met on SNS, including note, can have their relationships completely severed if you quit those platforms.
Even with real-life friends, since we often communicate through things like LINE these days, if you stop using them, you become unreachable, and it is easy to get close to severing the relationship.

Thinking about that,I always think that the relationships I have now are like being on thin ice.
Although it has become easy to build and connect with people through the internet,I feel that the bonds of those relationships have become considerably weaker.

Why do I want to throw away relationships?
Because relationships are troublesome. That is one reason.
In my case,it is because other people are always involved in any dark history.

If there were no other people, I wouldn't feel embarrassed.
If there were no other people, I wouldn't blame myself.

That is why I want to sever relationships, and every time I remember my dark history,"I am a person who is bad at interacting with others,"I subconsciously suggest that to myself.

But, in reality, I love interacting with others.
Otherwise, I wouldn't write that I am happy to interact here on note.

This is just my case, but
my dark history, and the times I want to throw everything away,
are when my need for approval is not being met, just as I desire.

What I really want to throw away is the need for approval

In the article above, I wrote that dependency is when the desire to have one's need for approval met by others becomes strong.
I analyzed that my dependent personality is also because my need for approval is strong, and I am unable to approve of myself.

So now, what I really want to throw away is not my life or my relationships.
It is my own overly strong need for approval.

Is my need for approval strong because I am an adult child?
I don't know the reason yet.
However, for now, I think it is enough to have realized the possibility that "I might have a stronger need for approval than others" and "I am still unable to approve of myself."

In "The Courage to Be Disliked," which is about Adlerian psychology,"You must not seek approval from others"was written.
That might be exactly right.
It is because we seek approval from others that life becomes difficult.

There is no need to throw away your life or your relationships.

What you should throw away is the desire for approval from others.

To discard that, and to become able to approve of myself, I am writing these words again today.