#0008 | Read in 3 minutes: Why I stay together even when my marriage isn't working
I will write this honestly.
■ My relationship with my wife is not going well
Right now, with my wife,
we clash as soon as we talk, so
I try to avoid interacting with her as much as possible. But at the same time, I want to cherish the time I spend with my children more than anything else. That is why the option of divorce is unthinkable to me right now. The body heat of a child innocently leaning against me on the sofa. The warmth when we get into the futon together. That overwhelming sense of happiness when I smell their hair. That is not something that can be created during 'visitation hours.' It is a time that exists precisely because it is woven into daily life.
■ To begin with, why did things get this complicated?
Over a decade ago, I was the one who said, 'Please marry me.' At the time, I definitely loved her, and I thought the future was bright. But now, I sometimes wonder. Is marriage really a system designed to make people happy? The moment you submit the paperwork, two people who were strangers become 'family.' But their lifestyles, values, and the environments they grew up in do not change immediately. Yet, for some reason, conversations begin with the assumption that 'because we are family.' I say things to my family that I would never say to people at work, simply because we are family. We stop being considerate.
Respect diminishes. But in reality, the other person is still 'someone who grew up in a different home.' The work of carefully unraveling that,
we were unable to do properly.
■ We haven't become close. But the friction has decreased
The turning point was something my wife said to me: 'Just being with you is a source of stress.' I was able to hear that calmly.
Because I knew it. And I felt the same way. So, let's reduce the time we spend interacting. Let's take turns watching the children. Let's not force ourselves to be in the same space. Let's not show the children our bad moods when we are both together for no reason. Even while clashing, our opinions were the same.
Let's go with this. We haven't become close. Things haven't improved dramatically. But the major cracks have decreased. At least, we have been able to reduce unnecessary friction.
■ The most important thing is the limited time spent with the children
What I want to protect is not an ideal image of a married couple. It is the time with my children. The casual interactions in the living room that will only last for a few more years. The sense of distance where they come to sit next to me without being called. To protect this, I have chosen this form for now.
■ And, one more thing I think about
However, I have been thinking lately. Instead of treating each other carelessly because 'we are family,' perhaps it is necessary to pay respect once again as 'people who were once strangers.' Saying 'good morning' when we pass each other in the morning. Saying 'welcome home' when one of us returns. Right now, we aren't doing that. Honestly, there are moments when I feel like it would be a 'loss' to be the first one to change. But if I think about the fact that my children are watching my back, maybe that is a good place to start. It doesn't have to be a dramatic improvement. It doesn't matter if we can't repair the relationship. Just reducing unnecessary friction. And protecting the time spent with the children. That is all I can do right now. Starting tomorrow morning, I think I will try saying 'good morning.'
■ Finally
In this way, I record the worries and realizations of a person in their 40s on an irregular basis.
I have compiled my previous records in a magazine. Please take a look.