What are success and failure in parenting?

What is success in parenting?

Getting into a school with high deviation scores.
Being good at studying.
Having many friends.
Getting results in extracurricular activities.
Getting a job at a large company.
Becoming independent and able to live a proper life.

Those are the kinds of things that come to mind.
I don't think any of them are wrong.

So that the child won't have trouble in the future.
So that they can have as many options as possible.

It is natural for a parent to wish for these things.

But I also feel it is scary to define the success of parenting solely by those things.

Then, what is failure in parenting?

Being bad at studying.
Becoming a truant.
Stumbling in friendships.
Rebelling against parents.
Not following the path one expected.

I feel that these cannot be called failures either.
Rather, such things happen all the time while a child is growing up.

Should we really call it a failure when a child does not grow up exactly as the parent intended?

Lately, I have been thinking about such things.

Parents tend to look at results

When watching children, I inevitably become concerned with results.

Did it.
Couldn't do it.

Was chosen.
Was not chosen.

Was praised.
Was scolded.

Kept it up.
Quit.

Numbers and results are easy to understand.
They are also easy for parents to feel reassured by.

Got a good score on a test.
Was able to continue an extracurricular activity.
Did well at a recital.
Played well with friends.

Seeing such things makes me feel relieved.

Conversely, when things don't go well, we feel anxious.

Will things be okay like this?
Was my way of interacting with them wrong?

Should I have done something sooner?
Sometimes, before we know it, we start to feel as if our child's results are our own report card.

But a child is not a parent's creation.
They are not a parent's evaluation sheet either.

Even when we think we understand this, we find ourselves looking through our child's behavior to see if our parenting was right or wrong.

I think that is the difficulty of being a parent.

Success or failure cannot be known immediately

The scary thing about parenting is that you don't know the results right away.

How will the words I said today remain with my child?
How will the way I interact with them now affect their future?
Was this choice good or bad?

We don't know immediately.

Being strict might turn into a strength for the child later on.
Conversely, words meant for the best might end up hurting the child.
What I thought was spoiling them might actually lead to a sense of security.
What I intended as encouragement might actually be cornering them.

Parents are always moving forward without being able to check their answers.
That is why we feel anxious.

Is this okay?
Am I making a mistake?
What is the right answer for the child?

But in parenting, there is no answer sheet that gets marked on the spot.
Sometimes, it is only after many years that things become a little clearer.
Perhaps there are things we will never know until the very end.

That is why I think we cannot easily call things a success or a failure.

Things not going as a parent expects is not a failure

Children do not grow up exactly as their parents expect.
They don't always like what we want them to like.
They don't always become good at what we want them to be good at.
They don't always choose the path that gives their parents peace of mind.

Conversely, they might become obsessed with things their parents never imagined.
They might choose a path that looks like a detour from a parent's perspective.

That is unsettling.

But if we call that a failure, I feel like we are denying the child's own life.

Failure because they deviated from the parent's ideal.
Failure because they are different from those around them.
Failure because the expected results were not achieved.
Deciding that is a bit harsh.

Children have their own lives.
I think it is part of growing up for them to proceed in ways parents did not anticipate.

Of course, as a parent, I worry.
If possible, I don't want them to get hurt.
I don't want them to struggle.

But parents cannot get ahead of things and erase every failure.
Rather, it may be that their individuality emerges precisely where things do not go as the parent expects.

If there is a failure, it might be losing sight of the child.

So, if there is such a thing as failure in parenting, what is it?

I don't know for sure.

But one thing I think is that it might be losing sight of the child themselves.

Looking only at results.
Comparing them to others.
Imposing the parent's ideals.
Not listening to the child's voice.
Prioritizing social appearances over the child's pain.
Acting for the parent's own peace of mind while claiming it is for the child.

When things like that continue, I feel like I stop seeing the child right in front of me.

What is the child feeling?
What are they afraid of?
What are they struggling with?
What do they value?

Trying to put them on a path that seems correct without looking at those things.
That, perhaps, might be close to failure.

But I cannot say this in a self-righteous way.
I am sure I lose sight of them many times, too.

Busy days.
Days when I have no room to spare.
Days when I feel impatient comparing them to others.
Days when I prioritize my schedule over the child's feelings.

Those days happen.

So, what is important might not be never losing sight of them, but trying to return when you do.

Can you be a place where the child can return?

If I think of only one thing as success in parenting.
It is being a place where the child can return when they are in trouble.

For now, I feel that is close to it.

When they fail at something.
When they are hurt.
When they cannot proceed on the path they thought they would.
When they have something they cannot tell anyone else.

My parents' faces come to mind.
I might get scolded.
But in the end, they will listen to me.
I want to be a place where they can think that.

Children do not need to stay by their parents' side forever.
In fact, they will eventually leave.

They will have their own world, build their own relationships, and live their own lives.

And that is fine.

But when they feel like they have nowhere else to turn,
I want to be a place where they feel
they can come home,
and they can talk to me.

Perhaps that is one form of success in parenting.

Not a perfect parent, but a parent they can return to

As a parent, I don't want to fail.

I don't want to hurt my child.
I don't want to have regrets.
I want to raise them properly.

But it is probably impossible to be a perfect parent.

There are days when I say too much.
There are days when I cannot wait.
There are days when I am tired and careless.
There are days when I cannot properly listen to what my child has to say.

I am sure there will be many times when I reflect on things later.
Even so, I want to be a parent who can apologize when I make a mistake.
I want to be a parent who can say, "I said too much earlier."
I want to be a parent who can listen to my child again.
I want to be a parent who can try to reconnect even after things have gone wrong.

I don't think success in parenting means never failing.

Both parents and children make mistakes many times.
There are days when things don't go well.

But each time, we make small adjustments.
We fix our relationship.

Perhaps the important things in parenting lie within that accumulation of efforts.

Not about success or failure

When you are raising children, you inevitably feel anxious.

Is this the right way?
Am I making a mistake?
Will my child be okay in the future?
Am I doing a good job as a parent?

But I don't think parenting is something that can be easily divided into success or failure.

Success because the child went to a good school.
Success because the child grew up to be obedient.
Success because the child followed the path the parents envisioned.

It is not that simple.

Conversely, failure because they stumbled.
Failure because they rebelled.
Failure because they took a detour.

That is not right either.

For the child to live their own life.
To be able to ask for help when they are in trouble.
To be able to express their feelings in words little by little.
For the parent to be able to face the child again when they have made a mistake.

I believe such small, steady steps are surely what matters most.

What is success in parenting?

I still do not know.

I am sure I will continue to struggle with this question without ever finding the answer.
But at the very least, it is not about fitting the child into the parent's definition of success.
It is not about gaining validation for oneself through the child.
It is about not losing sight of the child in front of you, and finding your way back if you do.

And, when the child eventually walks their own path in life,
for them to be able to think,
"There is a place I can return to if anything happens."

To me, that feels closest to what success in parenting is.