It's okay if it doesn't last, or if you quit [Parenting Worries]

When parents have their children start something, they tend to have certain expectations.
This applies to lessons, studying, sports, and everything else.
Since they went to the trouble of starting, you want them to keep going.
You've paid the tuition, bought the equipment, and the child was motivated at the beginning, too.
If possible, you want them to continue for a long time.

As parents, that is how we feel.

But recently, I've started to think a little differently.
Maybe it's okay if it doesn't last, or if they quit.

Of course, this doesn't mean it's okay to just give up on everything immediately.
It also doesn't mean quitting everything the moment it gets a little unpleasant.

But perhaps there is no need to force them to continue something that just doesn't suit them.

After all, there are plenty of things that adults don't stick with either.

Adults don't stick with things either

Adults tell children:

"Finish what you started."
"You shouldn't quit right away."
"Persistence is important."

Certainly, persistence is important.
There are views you can only see because you kept going.

Sometimes you can't do something at first, but you become able to do it by trying repeatedly.

But what about the adults who say these things?

Have the exercise routines they started actually continued?
Have they finished reading all the books they bought?
English study, diaries, household accounts, muscle training, waking up early, tidying up.

There are countless things we started with the intention of continuing, only to quit before we knew it.

I myself cannot proudly say, "I have kept up with everything."
And yet, I still end up telling my child, "You must keep going."

I think that's a bit selfish.

Both the "power to continue" and the "power to quit" are important

The power to continue is important.
But I think the "power to quit" is just as important.

Realizing that something doesn't suit you.
Noticing that something is too much for you right now.
Finding something else you want to do.
Stepping away before you push yourself too hard.

I believe these are also necessary skills for living.
If only continuing is considered the right answer, children might end up suffering.

Quitting is a bad thing.
I am weak for quitting halfway.
I will disappoint my parents.

When you think that way, you become unable to speak up even when you are truly struggling.
I don't want that to happen to my child.

"It's tough."
"It's not a good fit."
"I want to quit now."

I think being able to say those things is also important.

Parents feel it's a waste

When a child says they want to quit something, parents may not be able to accept it right away.

"You just started."
"Why don't you try a little harder?"
"We even bought the equipment."

Honestly, I do have those feelings.

Parents also spend time and money.
There is also the driving back and forth.
There is also the preparation.

That is why it bothers me when they say "I want to quit" so easily.
But that feeling of "it's a waste" is also a matter of the parent's convenience.

It might be a bit wrong to make a child continue something that doesn't suit them just because the money already paid would be wasted.

It's not just money that is wasted.

The time a child spends feeling miserable is also a waste.
The heart that keeps enduring without being able to tell the parent is also a waste.

Thinking about it that way, I feel that quitting is not necessarily a waste.

The experience of quitting also remains

Just because you quit something doesn't mean everything was a waste.

It is precisely because you tried it that
"This didn't suit me"
you can understand.

It wasn't as fun as I thought.
I like moving my body, but I wasn't good at competition.
I like music, but practicing every day was tough.
It's fun if I'm with friends, but I was anxious about going alone.

Just understanding those things has meaning.

There are many things children cannot know unless they try.
Even if a parent thinks it's suitable, it might be different for the child themselves.
Therefore, there is meaning in starting as well.

And there is meaning in quitting, too.

Instead of "quitting means failure," I want to be a parent who sees it as "I learned something because I tried."

I want to hear the reason before quitting

However, I don't think it means you should immediately say "okay" the moment your child says they want to quit.

First, listen. What is it they dislike? Since when have they disliked it? Is the teacher scary? Is it about their relationship with friends? Is the practice too hard? Is it painful because they can't do it well? Or are they just tired?

Depending on the reason, what you can do changes. Sometimes, a little rest is all they need to go back.

Sometimes, changing the day is enough to keep going. Sometimes, talking to the teacher can make things easier.

But after listening, if it's still too much, it's okay to quit.

I think the important thing is that the parent doesn't unilaterally decide whether to continue or quit.

I want to be a parent who can say "It's okay to quit"

Children need a place where they can safely say they want to quit.

If they think they will be scolded, disappointed, or blamed for saying they want to quit, they will start hiding their true feelings.

They will start hiding their true feelings.

They continue even though it's actually painful. They don't speak up even though they are actually scared. They watch their parents' expressions even though they don't actually want to go.

That is a bit painful.

As a parent, I want my child to do their best. I want them to be persistent. I want them to be a child who doesn't run away easily.

I have those feelings, too.

But there are times when it's okay to run away. There are places that are better to leave.

Sometimes, it's precisely because you quit that you can move on to the next thing.

That is why, when my child seems truly overwhelmed, I want to be a parent who can say, "It's okay to quit."

Before forcing your child, remember yourself

When you feel like telling your child to "keep going," I want you to remember your own experiences.

You have also had times when you couldn't keep going.
You have also had times when you quit halfway through.
You have also had times when you walked away from a place that didn't suit you.

And yet, here you are, managing to live your life.
Everything didn't fall apart just because you quit.

The experience of not being able to continue has also become material for understanding yourself.
A child's life is not so small that it is determined by a single choice.

The experience of continuing is important.
But the experience of quitting is also important.

I believe both are practice for that child to choose their own life.

If it doesn't last, you can just think about it again.
It's okay to quit.
It's okay to take a break.
It's okay to look for something else.
After all, even adults have times when they can't keep going.

I want to try not to demand perfect persistence from my child alone.