The evaluations parents make can sometimes bind their children

Parents say many different things to their children.

"You're cute."
"You're smart."
"You're good at drawing."
"You're athletic."

None of these are bad words.
In fact, as parents, we intend them as praise.

We want to make our children happy.
We want them to have confidence.
We want to tell them that we are truly watching them.

These are the thoughts behind the words we say.

But recently, I have started to think a little differently.
Could it be that the casual evaluations parents make sometimes bind their children?

This is not limited to negative words.
It applies even to positive words.

"You're cute" is nice. But if that's all there is, it can be stifling.

I think it is natural to tell a child, "You're cute."
I say it too.

My own child is truly cute.

The way they look when choosing clothes, the way they eat with messy hair, the way they talk so earnestly—it's all cute.

But if a parent keeps saying "You're cute" all the time, the child might feel expected to always be cute.
I must not make an ugly face.

I must not get angry.
I must not cry or throw a tantrum.

I must remain a cute child that is convenient for my parents.
Perhaps they might interpret it that way.

Of course, parents don't think that far when they say it.
But children listen closely to their parents' words.

What makes their parents happy?
What do they praise?

What kind of person should I be to make my parents look happy?
I feel that children are sensitive to these things.

"You're smart" can also become a pressure.

"You're smart."
This is also a common compliment.

When they learn something quickly.
When they accomplish something difficult.
When they say something that surprises adults.

It is tempting to say it.

However, a child who is constantly told "you're smart" might eventually become afraid of making mistakes.

I have to stay smart.
If I say I don't know, they might be disappointed.
I don't want to show where I'm struggling.

They might end up thinking that way.

In reality, encountering things you don't understand is important.
Children learn by failing, rethinking, and making mistakes.

But when they carry the label of being a "smart child," they may feel that making a mistake lowers their own value.
Even though it was meant as a compliment, it can end up making the child feel restricted before they know it.

I think that is a bit scary.

Negative evaluations leave a deeper mark

Conversely, negative evaluations leave an even deeper mark.

"You're not good at studying."
"You're not good at sports."
"You're shy."
"You're not very efficient."
"You cry easily."

As a parent, you might have just said it lightly.
You might have just intended to state a fact based on what you saw at the time.

But for the child, that can become their instruction manual.

I am a child who isn't good at studying.
I am not good at sports.
I am a child who can't speak in front of others.
I am a crybaby.

Once they believe that, they may give up before they even try.

I can't do it anyway.
That's just the type of person I am.
Because that's what my parents say, too.

Children come to know themselves through their parents' words.
That is why a parent's evaluation is so powerful.

I believe those words can sometimes narrow a child's potential.

Children are still a work in progress

Children are still a work in progress.
Even if there is a period where they seem bad at studying, it doesn't mean they will always be bad at it.
Even if they aren't good at sports, there might be a time when they figure out how to use their body.
Even if they seem shy, they might talk a lot in a place where they feel safe.
A child who cries easily might just be a child who feels emotions deeply.

It is too early to define a child based only on what you see right now.

But parents often end up saying these things without thinking.

“This child is just like this,”
“My child isn't good at this,”
“My child has always been this way.”

They say it so casually.

But children are actually listening to those words more than you might think.

The version of themselves that their parents describe to others.
The version of themselves that their parents have decided upon.

They start to accept that little by little.

That is why I want to pause for a moment before declaring, “This child is just like this.”

Perhaps that is just how they appear right now.
Perhaps that was just how they were today.

Perhaps they are still in the process of changing.
I want to leave room to think that way.

Rather than evaluating, I want to share what I see

So, how should we say it?

Lately, I have been thinking that it might be better to share what I see rather than to evaluate.

Instead of “You're smart,” say,
“You thought about that carefully,”
“You listened until the end,”
“You tried the part you didn't understand one more time.”

Instead of just “You're cute,” say,
“You chose that outfit yourself,”
“You look so happy,”
“You wanted to wear your hair like that today, didn't you?”

Instead of “You're not good at sports,” say,
“You were able to run this far today,”
“You did it a little longer than before,”
“It was scary, but you tried it once.”

Look at the process, not the evaluation.
Look at how they are that day, not at your assumptions.

If we do that, we might be able to avoid trapping our children in a single label.

A child is not just a “smart kid” or a “kid who isn't good at sports,” but a person who is in the middle of trying something new today as well.

I want to be a parent who can see that.

Parents, too, have lived their lives being evaluated

When I think about things like this, I realize that I myself have been evaluated a great deal.

"You're serious, aren't you?"
"You're quiet, aren't you?"
"You're not good at sports, are you?"
"You're good at studying, aren't you?"
"You're not very efficient, are you?"

I have received such words somewhere along the way.
And without knowing it, there are things that remain within me.

I am this kind of person.
I am good at this.
I am bad at this.
This does not suit me.

Even now, I feel that there are parts of me living within those evaluations.

That is precisely why I want to pass them on to my child as lightly as possible.
I want to pass on words that see their current self, not heavy labels.

So that my child will not someday
"Because I am this kind of child"
narrow themselves down too much.

"I'm not good at it now, but it might change"
"There are days when I can't do it, but it's okay to try"

I want to leave room for them to think that way.

I want to keep watching my child without jumping to conclusions.

A parent's words reach their child.
They reach them more deeply, much more deeply, than one might think.

That is why it is scary.

But that is also why it is important.

It is not that I want to stop praising my child.

I want to say "You're cute."
I want to say "That's amazing."
I want to say "You did a good job."

I just want to avoid defining my child solely by those things.

There are days when they are cute.
There are days when they are angry.
There are days when they do well.
There are days when they cannot do well.

Things that look like strengths or weaknesses might still be in progress.

Children are changing little by little every day.
So that yesterday's evaluation does not bind the child of today.
So that a parent's words do not shrink the child's potential too much.

I want to try to see the person in front of me properly before I pass any judgment.

Instead of deciding "this child is this kind of person," I want to be a parent who sees them as,
"right now, this is what my child is doing."
That is how I want to be seen.

Before my child starts labeling themselves, I want to make sure that I, as their parent, do not label them too much.