Lately, I think I might be afraid of making mistakes. My daughter, and me too.

There is a phrase my daughter has been saying a lot lately.

Is this right?
Am I doing it wrong?
What if I can't do it?

When writing hiragana.
When choosing clothes.
When folding origami.

Until a little while ago, she would do those things without worrying about such things.

Even if the lines went outside the lines, the colors mixed, or the origami tore halfway through.

I'll do it again.

She would say, and start over while laughing.

But lately, she has been stopping her hands more often.

I don't want to make a mistake.
I don't want to fail.

I feel like those feelings are starting to emerge little by little.

It's not that she hates not being able to do something,

One day, I was doing a simple maze with my daughter.

She held the pencil and drew the first line.

After moving a little bit, my daughter stopped.

What if this is the wrong path?

I answered,

If you make a mistake, you can just erase it.

I replied.

After hesitating for a while, my daughter drew a small line.

But the moment she reached a dead end, she immediately put down the eraser.

"I'm quitting."

I don't think it was that she hated not being able to do it.

Perhaps she hated finding out she was wrong.

Maybe she was a little afraid of seeing "the version of herself that couldn't do it."

Parents are often in a hurry for the right answer without realizing it

I sometimes find myself saying to my daughter,

"That's wrong."
"Not that way."
"This way is faster."

I say these things.

So she won't have trouble.
So she can do it.
So it won't take time.

That is why I think that way.

But I wondered how it must have sounded to my daughter.

If you make a mistake, you get corrected.
If you fail, you are taught the right way.

If that continues, she might start thinking, "I have to get the right answer from the start."

I thought I was stepping in to keep my daughter from making mistakes.

But in reality, I might have been gradually reducing the time she had to feel that it's okay to make mistakes.

It's not just my daughter; I am also afraid of making mistakes

Every time my daughter asks, "Is this right?", I only saw her anxiety.

But, in truth, I think I am afraid, too.

Of my daughter making a mistake.

Of her taking the long way around.

Being troubled by someone.

And, at that moment, making the mistake of interacting with them in the wrong way as a parent.

Maybe I intervened too much.
Conversely, maybe I didn't help enough.
Maybe I should have said something different at that time.

Just as children want to hear the right answer, parents might also be searching for the right way to raise their children.

That is why, when my daughter is hesitant, I want to give her the answer quickly.

It may be for my daughter's sake, but it might also be because I don't want to think that I have 'made a mistake as a parent'.

What to look at after making a mistake

When a child makes a mistake, parents tend to look at the result.

Did they do it?
Did they fail to do it?
Was it correct?
Was it wrong?

But what my daughter might be looking at is my face after she makes a mistake.

Did I sigh?
Did I rush to fix it?
Did I say, 'That's why I told you so'?

It may be that how a child is treated by their parent after a failure stays with them more than the failure itself.

When we hit a dead end in a maze, in truth,

'It's amazing you made it this far.'
'I wonder where we went wrong.'
'Shall we try looking for a different path once more?'

I should have looked at it together with her like that.

I think I should have properly accepted the time spent making mistakes before teaching her the right answer.

Making mistakes is not just a child's job

Children make many mistakes every day.

Putting shoes on the wrong feet.
Putting clothes on backward.
Using the wrong words.
Misjudging the distance with friends.

But parents are the same.

I rush too much.
I say too much.
I regret not being able to wait.
I offer logical arguments in situations where I should have just said, "It's okay."
And so on.

Children learn to think for themselves while making mistakes.

I think parents also learn how to interact with their children while making mistakes.

I also think that what is important is not avoiding mistakes, but being able to start over after making one.

"I said too much earlier. I'm sorry."
"Daddy didn't know either."
"Shall we think about it together one more time?"

Showing such a side of myself might also be important for my child.

When asked, "Is this right?"

Lately, when my daughter asks, "Is this right?", I try not to answer immediately.

Of course, I help when she is truly struggling.

But when it seems like she could decide for herself if she thought about it a little,

"What do you think?"
"What part were you concerned about?"
"Which one do you think is better?"

I try to ask these things.

At first,

"I don't know."

My daughter, who used to say that, sometimes thinks for a moment and then says,

"Maybe this one."

She says.

Her voice is not yet full of confidence.

But it is a voice that she chose herself.

Not rushing that small voice might be what is important right now.

Even if you make a mistake, it's okay to be here.

I think confidence doesn't grow just by being told "it's okay" over and over again.

I wasn't laughed at when I made a mistake.
I wasn't immediately scolded when I failed.
Even when I couldn't do something well, I was told, "Let's try again."

As those experiences accumulate, "it's okay" gradually grows.

What parents can do is not just teach the path that avoids mistakes.

It is to be a place where a child can feel it's okay to be here, even after they have made a mistake.

And for parents themselves, it is to stop and reflect when they make a mistake, while remaining imperfect.

When my daughter asks, "Is this wrong?"

I want to avoid rushing to an answer, and instead first look at her face and properly receive what lies beneath that anxiety.

And when I make a mistake myself, I want to be a parent who can say so without hiding it.

"Daddy made a mistake, too."
"Shall we try it one more time?"

I hope that both my daughter and I can move forward while making mistakes.