Nice to meet you. I've decided to start a note.
"I never thought I would suffer from a mental illness."
This is still the first thing I think about even now.
I am in my 20s and work in education.
Until a little while ago, I would work, hang out with friends, go home, eat dinner, and sleep as usual.
I spent every day like that, taking it for granted.
Then one day, I was suddenly struck by a sense of anxiety I had never felt before.
I had heart palpitations, felt like I couldn't breathe, and lost my appetite.
"I wonder if I'm going to lose my mind like this."
I started to seriously think things like that.
After that, I had to face anxiety disorder and panic disorder.
The time leading up to going to the hospital.
The time I was diagnosed.
Being afraid of having an attack and becoming unable to do things I used to do normally.
The fact that it was hard for those around me to understand.
Looking back now, so many things have happened.
And now, I am trying to conceive.
Trying to conceive is also much harder than I thought it would be before I started.
Going to the hospital, measuring my basal body temperature, using ovulation test kits.
Getting my hopes up, feeling down, and then getting my hopes up again.
I keep repeating that cycle.
I think I live my life thinking about many more things than I realized.
But when I keep everything in my head, sometimes I just get more and more anxious.
So, I decided to try and write things down little by little from now on.
In this note,
About anxiety disorder and panic disorder. About trying to conceive. About my marriage. About my casual daily life.
I want to write about what I feel at each moment, without any pretense.
Even if an event is nothing to someone else, it might be a big deal to me.
I hope to record even those small things in my own words.
And if someone who is struggling with similar things reads this note and thinks,
"I wasn't the only one,"
then I feel like that alone makes it worth writing.
I'm not used to writing yet, but
first, I'll go at my own pace.
I'm going to start here.
I look forward to sharing this journey with you🌿