【April 4th is Living Alone Anniversary】 2024/04/07 #070

I was convinced that I could never stand on my own.
I was someone with a dependent personality.
After turning 50, I decided for the first time to become independent.

This week, I celebrated my third living alone anniversary.

The luggage I had when I left home consisted only of personal belongings that could fit in a car, and the only large items in the room were a set of futons and a full-length mirror my daughter used to use.
Since I moved in without being able to view the room, I didn't know the size of the windows and hadn't prepared curtains.
That day, I used masking tape to connect newspapers and covered the windows to block them from being seen from the outside.
My memory of the first day of living alone is of a hollow room and newspaper on the windows.

It's only been three years, but when I think about the changes since then, it feels like a long time ago.

Because it was my first time living alone in my life, I think I was very motivated and always tense in the beginning.
Every morning, I would tidy up the room (it was easy because there was nothing there) before going to work.
I thought that if I died in some accident or something, someone would enter this room to clean it up, so I would be embarrassed if it wasn't tidy.
It makes me laugh now, but back then, I had too many assumptions about how things 'should be' or 'must be,' and I hated deviating from them, so I was tying myself down.

I was living a hard life back then, wasn't I?

And was getting a divorce really the right thing to do?
I kept agonizing over whether I, who had always been protected, could ever be financially and mentally independent.
Even though I decided to be independent, I was incredibly anxious because I had never stood on my own before.

To motivate myself, I wrote down words I found on Instagram, stuck them where I could see them, and recited them like a spell every day.
I used those words to build a barrier around myself every morning and get through each day.

I recited them with all my might, telling myself over and over, and kept reciting them until I could truly and sincerely believe those words that hadn't yet become a part of me.
Three years of trying to change like that—I still have many worries, but at least for these three years, I have been standing on my own.

This is everything.

I can't acknowledge my own worth, and even now I don't think 'I'm the best!', but I think I've been able to gradually let go of the fixed ideas and assumptions of 'how things should be' that were binding me, and shift my feelings toward things I want to do and things I find fun.

From now on, I want to be useful to others.
I want to be there for people who are hurt.
I want to become someone who can reach out and offer love to others.

Right now, I'm thinking about running a candy shop that could be a place for children to hang out, or a children's cafeteria.

By organizing my thoughts like this, I have decided once again to do what I truly want to do from the heart.

This was a note reflecting on my living alone anniversary.

I wrote today's note at Omi Island's "Hashidate of Waves."
The weather was nice, so please take a look at the aerial photos of the "Hashidate of Waves."
Thank you for reading until the end.
I would be happy if you could leave a like or a comment.

#ReflectionNote